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(11/05/08 6:00am)
When I was in eighth grade, our class had a mock presidential
election and being an attention-starved ham, I wanted more than
anything to be the next President of the United States. The year
before, I had lost the election for class president to a boy who
stuttered through his entire speech. I guess my Have a Bash Vote
for Ash"" slogan didn't really resonate with my conservative
Catholic audience.
(10/29/08 6:00am)
My version of hell used to be an eternally cheeseless existence
in a blistering Mexican desert with no sunscreen, water or amusing
tour guide with a thick moustache. That's until I watched a 17 Kids
and Counting"" marathon.
(10/22/08 6:00am)
Are you at least 18 years of age, semi-abnormal and looking for
a place to live next semester? If not, do you know someone who fits
that description?
(10/15/08 6:00am)
When it comes to global issues, I know what's important, where I
stand and if it matters to key men I'm interested in, but I won't
actually get involved. That requires a personal sense of
responsibility that I just don't have. You won't find me protesting
immigration policy clutching a messenger bag decorated with pins.
And being that I am a cheapass, I will definitely not be giving
anyone a donation - whether it's for a noble cause, such as saving
the rainforest, or for something outrageous like fighting the war
against hot air ballooning.
(10/08/08 6:00am)
My Big Toe and I have been through so much together - ice
skating lessons, ballet recitals and impromptu pick-up basketball
games at the park in junior high (when I had some cooked-up notion
that guys liked butch girls who were good at sports and wore
knee-length Bulls jerseys). The love my Big Toe and I have for each
other is strong, unconditional. He helps me walk, and I give him
love by occasionally washing him or having some weird lady rub him
at the salon.
(10/01/08 6:00am)
Post Ann Arbor trip, I'm sitting on my couch in my underwear,
waiting for Desperate Housewives"" to come on, and feeling
completely uninspired and too tired to write anything worth
reading. That's about all the energy I have to type right now,
reader, as I feel as useless as Charter. But I thought I would
share with you something that I read recently that I loved from an
new up-coming literary talent. Whitney Newman, one of my best
friends, just wrote a poem, documenting our great nights in Madison
and the only stable thing in our collegiate lives: post-night out
runs to McDonalds for a Large-and-in-Charge Diet Coke, a remedy I
am quite sure cures hangovers. So please, dear reader, accept this
as a token of my appreciation, and expect bigger and better things
from me next week after a quiet weekend in Madison, keeping it low
key for the Ohio State game... wink.
(09/24/08 6:00am)
If you're a girl and you visit Perez Hilton in class, on the
toilet, in the morning, after lunch, when you're watching 90210 or
only every 10 minutes, then I'm sure you've heard about the DJ AM,
Travis Barker plane crash. Obvi. It's been like, four whole days.
The sad thing is four people actually died. The funny thing is we
would never have heard about that crash if famous people weren't
involved.
(09/18/08 6:00am)
Some seniors might vaguely recall being a newly braces-free
freshman, walking past University Square and staring longingly at
the 21+ crowd who packed Madhatters every Friday afternoon for
their famed Friday After Class drink special.
(09/17/08 6:00am)
The strongest people learn to survive. If a plane ever crashes
in the middle of a deserted island you must learn to drink your own
pee, eat little animals' insides, or, if you're lucky, join the
cast of Lost.
(09/10/08 6:00am)
Guess where I'm sitting right now, writing this column? Yeah,
that's me, hunched over the computer on the third floor of College
Library, nearly crying due to my recent misfortune. The computer
lab is largely empty because it's still syllabus week, and only
serious people with serious majors are thinking about serious
things like term papers. Unless you're like me and are in big
trouble and you're seriously thinking about being robbed - because
you have been.
(09/03/08 6:00am)
When I was in high school, I remember mentally tallying the days
until I would be free from the death grip of my parents and move
into my dorm. I salivated at the thought of living two and a half
hours away - away from all of the annoyances that come with living
at home with your family - the fights about having to eat the dry
chicken mom slaved all day cooking, who will pick up the dog shit,
whose turn it was to drive grandma to get her hair done and listen
to her whine about the appliances that don't work in her condo (all
of which really do).
(05/07/08 6:00am)
As the semester comes to a close, now is the time we are forced
to reflect on what we've learned in the past year - or at least
find a way to bullshit the essays we'll have to write come exam
week. But before we all go lock ourselves in the stacks at Memorial
Library, with little more than our books, caffeine pills and
illegally obtained study drugs, we have to remember that there's
more to life than memorizing algorithms, scribbling terms on flash
cards and writing research papers - there's the things we discover
in between learning - real life lessons.
(04/29/08 6:00am)
Let's face it. If you're reading this, you're probably not
expecting to read about the United States' foreign policy, a better
understanding of quantum physics or find stock tips. Odds are you
think waterboarding is some sort of awesome extreme sport (or sex
position), you spend most of your time contemplating the shape of
your belly button and you can barely even read, let alone grasp the
aforementioned concepts.
(04/23/08 6:00am)
I've sunk to a new low. No, I haven't done anything lately
that's degrading. In fact, I've been tallying the slightly mature
things I've done lately.
(04/15/08 6:00am)
My roommate goes home almost every weekend. She says it's not me
- I don't develop mind-numbing body odor, I don't cook naked and I
don't judge her when she does either of these aforementioned
things.
(04/09/08 6:00am)
Man-up: verb
(04/02/08 6:00am)
I was staring at that sentence on my computer, my mouse hovering
over the edit button, deciding what to do.
(03/26/08 6:00am)
Six days, seven nights at a luxury resort on a gorgeous beach in
Florida. Sure, it sounds like a peaceful Spring Break, but if
you're part of the Spencer family, there is no such thing as
peace.
(03/12/08 6:00am)
One of my friends, whose ego is almost as big as his head (which
doesn't fit in most standard hats) and who not-so-modestly claims
to be a top student,"" is applying for one of the same internships
as me. The only difference being he has a better shot at getting
it.
(03/05/08 6:00am)
I have a date tonight.