Denver, CO 2023 – Reports from across the state confirm that hundreds of autonomous vehicles are barreling across the canyons and plains of the wild, wild west, causing damage and turmoil and every juncture.
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“I just really want to be an inspiration for all girls that will follow in my footsteps,” UW student Sarah Johnson triumphantly captioned her most recent photo of her and her ridiculously hot friends at the Women’s March.
“Why are kids so mean mom?” Paul Ryan said, calling his Mom Wednesday night, crying. Elizabeth Ryan tried to console her distressed son.
Paul Ryan isn't crying. He doesn't know why you would think that. You jerk.
Two Thursdays ago, Vince Staples came out in an all black outfit and a Kevlar vest, prepared to entertain a roaring crowd.
In the wake of United’s latest predictable scandal, passengers on United flight 42069 staged a protest Monday afternoon; at approximately 12:49pm Central Time, passengers rose from their seats, formed a single-file line (picket signs in hand) and shuffled to the emergency exit doors, and, with the help of those seated in the exit row, opened the emergency doors and inevitably plunged to their deaths below.
Evidence recovered by UWPD from the scene revealed the true life of living in Lakeshore.
Ah, the Pentagon Papers. Every high school learns about them in the shittiest and shortest way possible to ensure that every student can act like they know what they are, but, in reality, have absolutely no idea. They talked about one of the wars…. there was a court case I think…. it had to do with a newspaper, right?
Amazon has decided to step up their game in predicting the interests of their customers. Already known for using past searches and accessing its customers’ internet history to target ads, Amazon now believes that, with their newest algorithm, they can predict people’s tastes enough to actually begin purchasing items for them.
The death of Vine meant the death of life as we know it.
Spielberg the Great needs your praise to survive. It makes him stronger.
A proposed logo for Amazon’s latest surveillance technolo- oops, we mean, Amazon’s latest convenience service.
“Vines that keep me from ending it all,” “Vines that cured my depression” and “Vines that really butter my crispy flake:” the threads of six-second videos of pure glee and bliss can be found on nearly every form of social media. When it was announced on Jan. 17, 2017, that the iconic video application was going to be laid to rest, hearts were broken worldwide. While millions of people were now able to escape the vomit-inducing ignorance of individuals such as Logan Paul, Nash Grier and Jacob Sartorius with much more ease, the detrimental effects of the death of Vine left no part of our earth untouched.
For those of you who are not familiar with Short Stack Eatery (sucks for you), you may not be aware of how convoluted their hours are. The popular breakfast spot is closed Mondays and Tuesdays. Wednesdays, your window of opportunity briefly opens from 6 a.m. to 3 p.m. On Thursdays and Fridays, you can treat yourself from 6 a.m. until midnight. Finally, SSE serves delicious dishes from 6 a.m. on Saturday to 9 p.m. on Sunday (yes, the whole time). As confusing as this is, one student saw opportunity amid the chaos.
One of the most noteworthy developments of the last week is the smelliest kid on your floor has finally succumbed to his own stench and decided to take a shower for the first time this semester.
The new UW dining plan is engineered to exclude several students.
The UW Housing directorate announced early last week that the options available to students have expanded with the addition of the “Opulence” plan to the UW dining halls. The plan, long lobbied by students and parents, includes caviar and foie gras, along with fresh-baked baguettes unavailable to students participating in the typical meal plans.
This past weekend, Kylie Jenner, another indistinguishable member of the Kardashian Kult, announced her intent to devote all of her spare time to the care of her newborn child. The decision to abstain from excessing posting exemplified unprecedented consideration and maturity, especially from someone whose worth has repeatedly been determined by how her butt looks in any given mirror selfie.
Reports that Mother Earth has been planning to oust the human race have been appearing more and more frequently in The Daily Cardinal office. Upon hearing these outlandish claims, Cardinal correspondents were sent to the International Space Station to request a comment from our home planet.