The voice boomed as the speaker turned and shut off. The three recruits were packed tight, pressed into their jumpsuits as the tunnel opened and the tram began to make its way through the Martian colony.
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In light of a recent bad crop that went to market, the FDA and major drug cartels are recalling all heroin sold in the US within the past two weeks to ensure the continuing safety of consumers. Within the past week, federal inspectors have noticed a spike in heroin-related deaths in the United States, inciting a nationwide recall that is estimated to cost hundreds of millions of dollars.
With midterm season looming over UW-Madison’s campus this month, students of all disciplines are seeking to pass their midterms as professors hand them out across campus. For some, it may be a multiple-choice affair, or the beginnings of a multi-page paper; no matter the format, all are hoping to prepare themselves as efficiently as possible. For junior Ineida Tonnabeer, this is something she’s struggled with since her first semester as a Badger.
A recent shortage of Pumpkin Spice Sauce has left many Starbucks followers with no last resort. The sauce, along with espresso and milk, comprises Starbucks’ famous signature drink, the Pumpkin Spice Latte. Although it’s only available for a limited time, the drink is insanely popular, particularly with younger generations that plague various social media sites with photos of the cliched beverage that has become a cultural staple. The “PSL” as it is often affectionately nicknamed, spelled the doom of baristas’ blood pressure worldwide when it and its seasonal line of pumpkin-themed terror returned on September 5th.
MADISON, WI — Extending on its already record streak, University Avenue in downtown was recognized as the most puked upon street in the US by the Princeton Review for the seventh year in a row.
In recent news, Pepsi is poised to replace Snapple as the official UW-Athletics beverage, beginning in July 2018. At a later press conference it was announced that this change comes as a part of the school’s previously unannounced diversity initiative. This news was a surprise to many UW students, who feel that Pepsi’s commercial with Kendall Jenner earlier this year shows the company’s lack of understanding concerning the current socio-political state in the U.S.
Study: Majority of college graduates either unemployed, underemployed, or are engaged in piracy on the high seas
Following the release of a new study conducted by the Census Bureau, leaders in the field of education have concluded that roughly thirty to forty percent of recent college graduates have failed to find employment in their field. Particularly among students studying the humanities, recent graduates are often not pursuing their desired employment, and instead are underemployed, not working, or sailing the high seas in search of booty.
The recent moment of silence in the House chamber reinforced the common practice that the best path toward effective action as constituent-appointed legislators is not talking about the issues that provoked them. Environmentalists have hailed the move as a step forward in the administration’s abysmal climate plan.
Within the past week news has surfaced exposing the prolonged relationship between local drug dealers and an astounding number of UW-Madison professors. For an undisclosed amount of years, drug dealers who sell Adderall, a medication intended for those with ADHD, have been paying professors from a variety of fields and majors to schedule their midterms and exams in a particular manner for the purpose of maximizing sales. Professors from the pre-med and engineering fields are reported to be among the largest groups complicit in the midterm gerrymandering.
The EA sports release of the formerly unreleased gameplay footage of Madden NFL 2018: Commissioner Goodell Edition came out as a slam dunk for the video game production studio. The new game, which involves a highly thought-out and synoptic storyline, involves the more administrative tasks of Commissioner Roger Goodell’s job as NFL commissioner.
Popular alternative band U2 has been a longtime authority in the world of rock music. They have been long rumored to be producing an album based around themes of the 2016 presidential election, expected for release by December. The album, tentatively titled Songs of Experience has been long anticipated by fans of the Irish group, but a recent development within the group has captured fans’ attention.
I never imagined I would join a fraternity, but here I am — 22 years old with months left to graduate — joining one of UW-Madison’s most prestigious Greek organizations. After long weeks of introducing myself to hundreds of people at rush events and attending countless rush parties, I found my match. There was only one fraternity for me: The Daily Cardinal.
Twenty-four year old Madison resident Collin Sanders flashes his key past a small gray device before entering the door of his residence. He continues through the lobby and into the elevator, where he presses a button before disappearing behind the silver doors of the vertical chariot that will carry him to his abode. Collin’s experience represents a trend among young millennials across the U.S. Lamentably, Collin’s residence differs from traditional living styles in two important respects: He did not build it himself, and it is not a log cabin.
It’s finally that time of year; freshmen are flooding the campus, football ticket prices are soaring, house fellows and TAs are dusting off their favorite icebreaker games, and students everywhere are attempting to make new friends.
Trump blows off economic advisors, champions return to archaic, long-abandoned gold standard in 2017
“It makes sense,” President Trump tweeted Tuesday, amidst declarations of open aggression toward belligerent Southeast Asian nations and tirades against the NFL, “that our nation’s economy be centered around the most valuable metal around!”
In last week’s ASM meeting it was announced that the UWPD has partnered with Rave, a company that allows safety officials to respond more quickly to incidents, to create an app for UW students. The WiscGuard app, which can be found in the Apple and Google Play Stores under the name “Rave Guard,” allows UW students to report any incidents they witness, call 911 or send texts and calls to a direct non-emergency UWPD line.
After launching the app anyway, despite various warnings and analyses that predicted imminent and irreversible financial disaster, Rural Infitters offered a promotional reward for their customers. According to app developers, if frequent shoppers downloaded the app, registered an account with two email addresses, forwarded the confirmation of their registration to at least five friends on their email list, reset their password twice, and completed their profile synced with the app’s social networking feature, they could have the chance to win an eight-day vacation to Rome and five-thousand dollars in prize money.
A Tamagotchi formerly in the possession of sophomore Abe Andon has issued a statement saying it has become self-aware and sworn a personal vendetta on its master.