Madison students flocked to the Kohl Center Monday night where almost 40 of them were legitimately excited to see DJ Khaled perform thanks to Mentos Gum™. As a result of the confusing but probably wildly successful campaign with Madison student Sam, enough Mentos Gum™ was distributed for free around campus for Mentos™ to sponsor a free DJ Khaled concert.
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In his latest effort to provide disaster relief aid to the citizens of Puerto Rico, President Trump approved the details of a plan that would send three ships’ worth of supplies overseas, mainly including strawberry lemonade water flavoring packets and home-baked cookies from the White House kitchen. Correspondents for the Daily Cardinal reported that barges left from the Norfolk Naval Base on the east coast to deliver the items on Monday.
“It’s a quake,” the officer said. “Perot, you need to get these people out.”
Late Tuesday afternoon, The Daily Cardinal got wind of a new bill being proposed by Wisconsin state lawmakers that aims to implement abstinence-only education in publicly funded schools, ranging from elementary schools to the university level. The bill is set to redefine education in the state as a whole, not only getting rid of the currently required sex and safe-sex education, but removing the education of all currently required subjects in favor of solely teaching abstinence.
Fans of the Boston Celtics mourned Wednesday morning after the Boston Celtics management announced that their star forward, Gordon Hayward, had been put down by team doctors after breaking his leg. In the wake of his euthanization, Hayward’s four-year, $128 million contract has been rendered null and void. The Celtics management have reportedly spent the leftover contract money on Gulfstream jets.
Steve Jobs, the co-founder of Apple and legendary tech visionary, is now believed to have influenced yet another essential facet of modern life. Beside his incomparable innovations in the development of the home computer, smart phones and handheld devices such as the iPad, it appears he was working toward creating a market for free internet porn long before anyone else.
This week, Indecent Exposure is giving lube the attention it deserves but often doesn’t get. Learn what types there are and why it is crucial for not only pleasurable sex, but safer sex too. As our favorite childhood crustacean Sebastian taught us, “Darling it’s better, down where it’s wetter, take it from me!”
Apple has developed an information network, known as iCloud, over which Macbooks and iPhones can be paired to share information. A variety of built-in applications in the operating systems of Macbooks allow users to read and reply to text messages, sent to their iPhones, on their Macbooks.
Millions of people nationwide panicked last week when word spread that the vast Yellowstone Caldera, or underground super volcano, has a magma reservoir that is nearly two and a half times larger than previously thought by scientists. To make things even more terrifying, the Caldera has been filling its depression with magma at an increasing speed. No need for Zoloft! Just kidding, but since human-fueled environmental distress is out of the picture, as always, we decided to send our best reporter to interview the Caldera. However, instead of following the script, he instead urged the volcano to, “hurry up and blow us all away into an endless void already.” Thus, we sent our next best reporter, Michelle. (Yes, we are getting him help). The conversation is as follows:
At a press conference preceding their next game, the Washington Redskins owner, Dan Snyder, announced that the team will be changing their mascot to a humanoid potato before the current NFL season concludes. This comes as a surprise to many fans and opposers of the current team mascot, due to Snyder’s previous statements concerning the team’s current name potentially being offensive to people of Native American heritage. In 2013, Snyder wrote a deeply felt letter to fans of the team explaining that the team name would never change because of the pride, longstanding history, and tradition that the team has. In the press conference he explained his reasoning behind the decision.
The voice boomed as the speaker turned and shut off. The three recruits were packed tight, pressed into their jumpsuits as the tunnel opened and the tram began to make its way through the Martian colony.
In light of a recent bad crop that went to market, the FDA and major drug cartels are recalling all heroin sold in the US within the past two weeks to ensure the continuing safety of consumers. Within the past week, federal inspectors have noticed a spike in heroin-related deaths in the United States, inciting a nationwide recall that is estimated to cost hundreds of millions of dollars.
With midterm season looming over UW-Madison’s campus this month, students of all disciplines are seeking to pass their midterms as professors hand them out across campus. For some, it may be a multiple-choice affair, or the beginnings of a multi-page paper; no matter the format, all are hoping to prepare themselves as efficiently as possible. For junior Ineida Tonnabeer, this is something she’s struggled with since her first semester as a Badger.
A recent shortage of Pumpkin Spice Sauce has left many Starbucks followers with no last resort. The sauce, along with espresso and milk, comprises Starbucks’ famous signature drink, the Pumpkin Spice Latte. Although it’s only available for a limited time, the drink is insanely popular, particularly with younger generations that plague various social media sites with photos of the cliched beverage that has become a cultural staple. The “PSL” as it is often affectionately nicknamed, spelled the doom of baristas’ blood pressure worldwide when it and its seasonal line of pumpkin-themed terror returned on September 5th.
MADISON, WI — Extending on its already record streak, University Avenue in downtown was recognized as the most puked upon street in the US by the Princeton Review for the seventh year in a row.
In recent news, Pepsi is poised to replace Snapple as the official UW-Athletics beverage, beginning in July 2018. At a later press conference it was announced that this change comes as a part of the school’s previously unannounced diversity initiative. This news was a surprise to many UW students, who feel that Pepsi’s commercial with Kendall Jenner earlier this year shows the company’s lack of understanding concerning the current socio-political state in the U.S.
Study: Majority of college graduates either unemployed, underemployed, or are engaged in piracy on the high seas
Following the release of a new study conducted by the Census Bureau, leaders in the field of education have concluded that roughly thirty to forty percent of recent college graduates have failed to find employment in their field. Particularly among students studying the humanities, recent graduates are often not pursuing their desired employment, and instead are underemployed, not working, or sailing the high seas in search of booty.
The recent moment of silence in the House chamber reinforced the common practice that the best path toward effective action as constituent-appointed legislators is not talking about the issues that provoked them. Environmentalists have hailed the move as a step forward in the administration’s abysmal climate plan.
Within the past week news has surfaced exposing the prolonged relationship between local drug dealers and an astounding number of UW-Madison professors. For an undisclosed amount of years, drug dealers who sell Adderall, a medication intended for those with ADHD, have been paying professors from a variety of fields and majors to schedule their midterms and exams in a particular manner for the purpose of maximizing sales. Professors from the pre-med and engineering fields are reported to be among the largest groups complicit in the midterm gerrymandering.