Mindy Perot has been charged with leading the evacuation of a doomed Mars colony in the aftermath of a devastating volcanic eruption. She has saved some residents from a messy end, but can she possibly get them all to the transport craft before it’s too late?
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Due to a past of neglecting every “Jane” that was supposed to be a “John” and allegations of Fido being the main course for lunch every Thursday, China has transitioned to being a country based solely off love, acceptance, and forgiveness.
“It’s that time of year again, and I can’t stand it,” stated freshman Max Dudley. “Being from southern California, you just don’t have these kinds of problems there.”
“After three years of diligent commenting on the Facebook, my efforts have finally produced the results I’ve been expecting,” stated Madison resident and stay-at-home mom, Barb Suzanna. Despite tens of millions of members and supporters, the NRA recently declared the abolishment of its storied organization. The group has been on the tipping point due to a nationwide surge in gun violence over the past few years, but Barb’s comment finally pushed them over the edge, sparking the dissolution of the organization, which has existed since 1871.
In a move that continues this week’s trend of surprising decisions from President Trump’s executive branch, the head of the Environmental Protection Agency, Scott Pruitt, announced that he would demand a large-scale investigation into the role that off-shore wind turbines played in the series of devastating hurricanes that hit Florida and Texas this summer.
It is true: The screeching anti-Trump millennials were right. The United States is on the brink of an eradication-worthy nuclear war with Canada. Justin Trudeau may be the hottest leader of all time (sorry JFK), but all is not well in the land of Tim Horton’s, universal healthcare, and “some good ole’ puck.” They may be passive aggressive, but Canadians are very upset.
In light of the recent Texas church shooting, the topic of gun control laws has once again been brought to dinner tables just in time for Thanksgiving. While some may view this recent event as the perfect opportunity to examine our laws, and perhaps make changes, others believe it is too soon to discuss the topic openly. However, they believe that while it may be rude or inconsiderate to openly talk about gun control laws, we can still whisper about them.
This week, Indecent Exposure is giving a more in-depth discussion about sex toys, the various types, applications and proper usage and maintenance that comes with their use.
A recent WikiLeaks article revealed that the scientists have been using tax revenue to purchase computer cleaner, inhaling an average of ten bottles per scientist per day.
Aaron Thatcher, an actor who portrays University of Wisconsin mascot Bucky Badger has been struggling to separate his work and home life lately, according to his girlfriend.
Madison students flocked to the Kohl Center Monday night where almost 40 of them were legitimately excited to see DJ Khaled perform thanks to Mentos Gum™. As a result of the confusing but probably wildly successful campaign with Madison student Sam, enough Mentos Gum™ was distributed for free around campus for Mentos™ to sponsor a free DJ Khaled concert.
In his latest effort to provide disaster relief aid to the citizens of Puerto Rico, President Trump approved the details of a plan that would send three ships’ worth of supplies overseas, mainly including strawberry lemonade water flavoring packets and home-baked cookies from the White House kitchen. Correspondents for the Daily Cardinal reported that barges left from the Norfolk Naval Base on the east coast to deliver the items on Monday.
“It’s a quake,” the officer said. “Perot, you need to get these people out.”
Late Tuesday afternoon, The Daily Cardinal got wind of a new bill being proposed by Wisconsin state lawmakers that aims to implement abstinence-only education in publicly funded schools, ranging from elementary schools to the university level. The bill is set to redefine education in the state as a whole, not only getting rid of the currently required sex and safe-sex education, but removing the education of all currently required subjects in favor of solely teaching abstinence.
Fans of the Boston Celtics mourned Wednesday morning after the Boston Celtics management announced that their star forward, Gordon Hayward, had been put down by team doctors after breaking his leg. In the wake of his euthanization, Hayward’s four-year, $128 million contract has been rendered null and void. The Celtics management have reportedly spent the leftover contract money on Gulfstream jets.
Steve Jobs, the co-founder of Apple and legendary tech visionary, is now believed to have influenced yet another essential facet of modern life. Beside his incomparable innovations in the development of the home computer, smart phones and handheld devices such as the iPad, it appears he was working toward creating a market for free internet porn long before anyone else.
This week, Indecent Exposure is giving lube the attention it deserves but often doesn’t get. Learn what types there are and why it is crucial for not only pleasurable sex, but safer sex too. As our favorite childhood crustacean Sebastian taught us, “Darling it’s better, down where it’s wetter, take it from me!”
Apple has developed an information network, known as iCloud, over which Macbooks and iPhones can be paired to share information. A variety of built-in applications in the operating systems of Macbooks allow users to read and reply to text messages, sent to their iPhones, on their Macbooks.
Millions of people nationwide panicked last week when word spread that the vast Yellowstone Caldera, or underground super volcano, has a magma reservoir that is nearly two and a half times larger than previously thought by scientists. To make things even more terrifying, the Caldera has been filling its depression with magma at an increasing speed. No need for Zoloft! Just kidding, but since human-fueled environmental distress is out of the picture, as always, we decided to send our best reporter to interview the Caldera. However, instead of following the script, he instead urged the volcano to, “hurry up and blow us all away into an endless void already.” Thus, we sent our next best reporter, Michelle. (Yes, we are getting him help). The conversation is as follows:
At a press conference preceding their next game, the Washington Redskins owner, Dan Snyder, announced that the team will be changing their mascot to a humanoid potato before the current NFL season concludes. This comes as a surprise to many fans and opposers of the current team mascot, due to Snyder’s previous statements concerning the team’s current name potentially being offensive to people of Native American heritage. In 2013, Snyder wrote a deeply felt letter to fans of the team explaining that the team name would never change because of the pride, longstanding history, and tradition that the team has. In the press conference he explained his reasoning behind the decision.