The government shutdown this weekend had several factions tinkering with ways to potentially remedy the government’s plights. This week’s shutdown marked the first government shutdown in the modern era where both houses of the legislature and the White House are controlled by the same party. Opponents of the shutdown pointed toward a coffee-stained governmental manual lying neglected on the dirty floor as the guide by which the government was ground to a halt. The resulting outcome was a recovered government, but imagination runs wild as to the potential outcomes which could have resulted if the government were left untended, like a leaky faucet.
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In breaking news from Hollywood, all of their male movie stars have recently been arrested and sent to jail as a result of a plethora of crimes being committed en masse. As a result of this, every Hollywood studio has released statements to the press, begging for male stars to fill movie roles.
1. Get in the Christmas spirit by listening to same 18 songs every store will be playing for the next month.
As air travel ramps up during the final months of 2017, the Transportation Security Administration are instituting a new policy requiring pregnant mothers to remove their fetuses and place them in separate bins at the security checkpoint.
Since spending the holiday of togetherness by driving for hours to be in a food coma the entire weekend with your uncle yelling obscenities over a football game is the best way, Thanksgiving is always a blowout.
Chancellor and technological masochist Becky Blank announced that UW-Madison’s Student Center will not be getting the back button that’s so highly sought after by the student body.
The Dreyfuss family’s Thanksgiving dinner was ruined after grandchildren noticed a sizable amount of mold in the pumpkin pie. Shane, the youngest grandchild, began to cry after returning home from school and finding the Jack-O-Lantern gone from its place on the doorstep. After calming his histrionics, Grandma Dreyfuss extracted her pumpkin pie from the oven and was floored by a hideous stench of rotting pumpkin. The Jack-O-Lantern had found its way into the Dreyfuss pumpkin pie.
With a twinge of longing in his eyes, local grandfather Ernie Komiskey stared at the roast turkey in the center of the Thanksgiving spread, wishing he could join it in death.
Three UCLA basketball players were arrested in Huangzhou province on suspicion of shoplifting this weekend at a Louis Vuitton store. The players included LiAngelo Ball. James Curry, who has served as the Pentagon’s executive director of foreign policy intervention since his appointment in 2014, gave Cardinal reporters a look at the workings behind the deal. All opinions are of the interviewee and do not necessarily reflect the beliefs or values of the Department of Defense.
Maintaining that he had absolutely no intention of disrupting discourse, junior Nicholas Mullen found himself reprimanded by the University of Wisconsin-Madison due to an allegedly voluntary sneeze that he had during the lecture of Dr. Gordon Biederman.
Thanksgiving is a welcomed holiday for people all around the United States. It’s a time to reflect on the important things in life: The people who we care deeply about, the privileges and good fortunes that we take for granted, while ignoring the fact that we’re currently living on stolen land. While most of us look forward to this time of year for a well-deserved break from school and work, before stomping each others’ heads for a Black Friday deal, Poli Sci majors at UW-Madison have begun to dread it the most.
According to Sewell Social Sciences men’s room sources, the university-supplied toilet paper used to wipe the bum of senior Peter Olson is so fragile, it rivaled his masculinity complex in terms of frailty.
Local Culver’s loyalist Bobby McButtery was caught completely off-guard when his heart violently attacked him Monday evening.
Attorney General Jeff Sessions was admitted into intensive aquarium care at the Baltimore Aquarium late yesterday after congressional interrogations caused a severe nervous reaction. The episode, described as, “insane,” by onlookers, caused an enormous spill of salt water as a fishtank materialized under Sessions, spilling its salinated contents over the floor of the Congressional chamber.
The White House chef fried Sessions for Robert Mueller’s dinner.
Mindy Perot has been charged with leading the evacuation of a doomed Mars colony in the aftermath of a devastating volcanic eruption. She has saved some residents from a messy end, but can she possibly get them all to the transport craft before it’s too late?
Due to a past of neglecting every “Jane” that was supposed to be a “John” and allegations of Fido being the main course for lunch every Thursday, China has transitioned to being a country based solely off love, acceptance, and forgiveness.
“It’s that time of year again, and I can’t stand it,” stated freshman Max Dudley. “Being from southern California, you just don’t have these kinds of problems there.”
“After three years of diligent commenting on the Facebook, my efforts have finally produced the results I’ve been expecting,” stated Madison resident and stay-at-home mom, Barb Suzanna. Despite tens of millions of members and supporters, the NRA recently declared the abolishment of its storied organization. The group has been on the tipping point due to a nationwide surge in gun violence over the past few years, but Barb’s comment finally pushed them over the edge, sparking the dissolution of the organization, which has existed since 1871.