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sunday mornings are the illumination of romanticism. They were meant for lovers who are serenaded by lovebirds, the symphony approaching adagio as it washes away last night’s mistakes with each chord.
staring into your midnight eyes that hold entire galaxies, our pinkies interlocked with a
Amid political tension surrounding the tumultuous road to the 2020 presidential election and the transition from nauseating humidity to soul-shattering cold, it is no surprise that Badgers across campus are completely agitated and uncertain.
As we embark on this spooky spooky time,
Stubborn, obsessive child insists on being the goddamn blue power ranger for the third Halloween in a row
Last Halloween, as well as the Halloween prior, 7-year-old Gordan Simpson dressed up as the blue Power Ranger for Halloween. This is no surprise given that Simpson is a big Power Rangers fan, obsessive some might say. Simpson owns 19 different Power Rangers action figures, has power ranger posters in his room and even has a power rangers school backpack. In fact, Simpson can even be found from time to time to be fake fighting with his friends as he pretends to be a Power Ranger.
After thorough investigation this spooky season, it is with deep regret that the Almanac reports that candy corn is still indeed a thing. Every grocery and convenience store surveyed in Madison carried the vile candy even though most of the store shelves that they occupied were gathering copious amounts of dust. A few were even covered in cobwebs.
We here at Almanac know the all-too-common struggle of finding the perfect Halloween costume. At this point, the 31st is only a week away! Do you have your costume picked out? If not, you are severely unprepared and should be worried. But don’t fret! The Almanac has generously taken the task upon themselves to brainstorm some unique, last-minute costume ideas that are sure to wow all your friends! Unfortunately we did copyright all of them — but for a small fee of $15.99 you can purchase a one-day license to sport one of our tasty Almanac Halloween looks (proceeds go to our editors’ Venmo accounts).
Humans are the most profound pieces of literature
The Swedish Academy has named all content contributors to the Facebook Page “UW-Madison Memes for Milk-Chugging Teens” the winners of the 2019 Nobel Prize for Literature. The Facebook page is an avenue for members of the UW-Madison community to post memes about current events and other matters related to campus, and the decision to award all its content contributors the prize marks the first time in academy history that so many people have been awarded the prize in the same year.
This past week controversy surrounded the singer Lizzo after her DNA test was leaked to the press, revealing that she is only 98.63 percent That Bitch (results showed that her remaining genetic makeup is 1.29 percent Vegan and 0.08 percent Ashkenazi). In her song “Truth Hurts,” Lizzo claims that she ‘took a DNA test’ and it turned out that she was ‘100 percent That Bitch,’ however, this claim appears to be exaggerated following the news of the leaked test results.
Dumb baby wearing "I will change the world" t-shirt accused of not knowing anything about poverty, climate change or humankind's inherent evil
An unsuspecting Facebook-user faces much controversy following a post of her baby boy wearing an “I will change the world” t-shirt.
There’s seasons all around us as the leaves turn pretty colours
Late last week the news no one wanted came out. Bucky Badger is, in fact, a furry. During a recent interview with the Big Ten Network, Badger decided to come out. “At one point the line between mascot and furry became muddled. I realized that this wasn’t just a shitty hobby I picked up so I could get attention from drunk students at football games, but that Bucky Badger was my fursona”.
On Wednesday, an anonymous report leaked to the press exposed President Donald Trump as a war criminal.
Metro Transit’s beloved Route 80 is a service that many have proved they do not deserve. Though sometimes used routinely, it seems that certain individuals still haven’t figured out how to properly act when aboard this godly, paradisiacal vehicle. In the effort to eliminate some of the worst behavioral problems that sour the transit experience for others, here is a short etiquette handbook that all 80-riders should follow:
A recent study from the UW-Madison School of Ecology found that teen pregnancy rates among males have been stagnant for years. The team led by Professor Dr. Jones have compiled data trends from the last 10 years of incoming freshman.
Smartass wants everyone to know he's confused why The Daily Cardinal is only published once per week
This past Tuesday, Abraham Hodge, a student at UW-Madison, was walking into Memorial Union when he caught a glimpse of a copy of The Daily Cardinal, the most awesome student-run newspaper. Realizing that The Daily Cardinal was both totally tubular and exquisite, Hodge obviously decided to pick up a copy and have a read, as he does every week when each print issue is published.
Dear Beauty, so often so judgemental on the outskirts of am I enough? do I focus on your definition or what society has defined you as or better yet my definition of you yourself and I am reminded of chiseled lines and opposite parentheticals not of my own appearance but of who I have defined as enough not because you said so but because i’ve ignored your message of free defining of free will to be your name and in retrospect my definition has created a push for my own aesthetic for my own existence and worth allowing judgement free judgement leaving a contradicting love for you and of me for your definition never used a limit and here I have because ease is a better pain than acceptance and i’d rather hold what is filled in my sack than to confront your truth to reframe my mind to know what I knew before and to repeat your name in the remembrance of my great grandmother before me and how you both whispered to my mother’s womb there is no such thing as enough
“In my book, loyalty is a two-way street,” “My cheating ex-husband has more integrity,” and “Capitalism must die!” are just a few of the remarks from frustrated members of a well-known chain coffee shop’s loyalty program.