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Sophomore and amateur sports statistician Chad Zooti spends his days inhabiting a higher stratum of consciousness, sources say.
Tragedy struck during the anomalous spring weather last weekend when a local honeybee, venturing from its hive to explore a Monroe Street sidewalk, was unceremoniously stepped on by a passing toddler.
Chad Trent, recent grad of Harvard University and current Wall Street banker, loaned out his soul at an adjustable subprime rate around 11 a.m. Sunday, right after mass.
Meeting people on campus can be tricky. After the first week or two of classes it sinks in that the cutie pie we were hoping would sit next to us and start a conversation is never going to leave the second row.
Renowned sexpert suggests public urination, chemistry lessons as top ways to combat sexual frustration
The Madison Police Department and American Chemistry Society released a statement early Saturday morning highlighting a correlation between the recent doubling of urination citations and the increase in chemistry enrollment, ultimately attributing sexually frustrated couples as the main culprits.
At a recent press conference, Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio proudly announced that, under his order, local authorities in Miami had taken his parents, Mario and Oriales Rubio into custody, and that they would soon be deported to Cuba, their country of origin.
New York-based publishing giant Briggs and Briggs announced Wednesday their much-anticipated ninth edition of “Textbooks: A Modus Operandi,” the authoritative textbook on the art of crafting and marketing textbooks.
PHYSICAL TRAITS: Just a regular monkey, nothing too crazy here.
Both Jeb Bush and Senator Ted Cruz are struggling to continue on their campaign trails, especially as both attempt to dodge questions about minor injuries they obtained in a fight after their last debate. Both have black eyes, and some small scratches on their faces, making it difficult to deliver their campaign speeches with any credibility. Reports suggest that other candidates may have minor injuries as well.
Whether Sunday was a day of wining and dining with a valentine, or if it had more of an alone-and-fine-with-it (or pretending to be fine with it) vibe, one thing unites us all on the day of love: searching for porn on the Internet.
Following Cam Newton’s abrupt exit from a Super Bowl press conference, ESPN anchor Kevin Mendelson, who watches sports for a living, described the Panthers QB’s actions as “childish,” according to multiple sources.
The new nationwide trend of corduroy pillows has recently reached the Madison community. Madison citizens can be seen in coffee shops, on bicycles or even strolling down State Street while sporting freshly pressed lines across their cheeks.
Texas senator and presidential hopeful Ted Cruz emerged victorious after family game night in the Cruz home Wednesday. The senator’s performance brings his 2016 family game night win streak to six, expanding his untarnished record to 6-0 on the season for the Cruz family’s weekly designated family-fun sessions.
PHYSICAL TRAITS: Flexible back, weirdly bony back, cinnamon roll-like back, funky-looking back, really odd back.
1. Mispronouncing your mother’s name. It’s And-rea, not An-drea.
Ted Cruz comfortably delivers a campaign speech at a safe distance from the nearest body of water.