Within the last week, news broke that Equifax, one of the three companies in the U.S. that holds the financial information for every person in the country with credit, had been hacked. This hack has resulted in the information of nearly 144 million Americans’ information being accessed by unknown individuals, who can now potentially ruin the financial stability of hardworking, law abiding citizens. For most people, this is a terrifying and potentially life-altering event. However, when Cardinal staffers reached out to someone we thought had been affected by the hack we discovered that it may be a godsend for some.After we initially made contact with local Madison man Paye Ein Billes, his legal name, not a pseudonym, he told us that the hack has allowed him to “live [his] best life.” When pressed further he told us, “Once I found out about the hack I had an ingenious idea. What if I make a bunch of credit cards and live my life to the fullest, you know? I’ve paid off my student loans, bought myself the most lavish meals in Madison, copped myself a bunch of clothes on State Street.”He continued, “I even bought that one blender and those socks from Walmart I’ve always wanted. You know, living live to the fullest! Then after I max them all out, I call my bank and say someone from the hack must have made these and I get off scot free!”When we pointed out that paying off his student loans and only buying things at stores he frequents in the city he was born and raised in would be very suspicious, he quickly responded, “Nah, man. Don’t worry about it, it’s foolproof. I bought the blender when I was at my bud’s place in Middleton last week. There’s no way they’ll know it was me.”The last email received from Billes detailed attempts to raise legal fees on Go-Fund-Me.
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Ideas are powerful. So powerful, in fact, that they have been the cause of countless ideological movements across the globe. From the rise of fascism in Germany and communism in Russia in the early 20th century, to rise of the alt-right led by figures like Breitbart’s Steve Bannon right here on Main Street in the United States. These movements, as evidenced by both the recent memories of the events in Charlottesville and the distant ones of what our forefathers invaded Europe to stop, can have life-altering consequences.Analyzing the effects that ideas — something that cannot even be seen nor physically touched — can have on society begs the question: where do ideas come from? The answer is simpler than one may think; ideas stem from thoughts, and thoughts from words. Words are just the invention of several cultures across the globe over time. Used in various combinations, they form hundreds of languages for humans to not only interact with one another, but with themselves. When people think, they are doing so with their native language. Those who are bilingual can think in two separate languages, or in a mixture of both. An example of this phenomenon is when someone who learning a second language has dreams in that new language. This event shows that one’s brain is further developing its ability to think within the boundaries of the new “code” one is providing it. Without this code, or language, one’s ability to think is limited.So, through logical reasoning, it is reasonable to conclude that after all the atrocities the world has witnessed and continues to witness due to — at its roots — words, that something must be done. This something, is to eliminate any words from dictionaries of all languages that may distress an individual — race, religion, war, fat, mean, short, poor. According to calculations from a think tank, Trust Us Because of Our Fancy Title, this could reduce dictionaries worldwide by nearly half! After an estimated twenty years of these words being eliminated, both their use and potential to harm others, will cease to exist. If you find yourself doubting the effectiveness or morality of this plan, just read George Orwell’s 1984 to discover its potential.
Campus douche shocked to find that women no longer thrilled to hear his mediocre rendition of “Wonderwall”
Following the Badgers’ sweeping victory last Saturday, most of the student population could most likely be found in celebration, including junior Econ major and aspiring hipster Hugh Jass. Hugh and his friends were enjoying a night of revelry in their communal Mifflin home when he noticed something unusual.“When we were all hanging out in the basement to watch the end of a beer pong tournament, I thought I’d whip out my guitar. You know, to set the mood and help everybody relax. It’s usually a big hit with the ladies, too,” Hugh told me, when I spoke with him about his experience earlier this week. He quickly found out that wasn’t the case.“I had to play the opening progression three whole times before anyone even realized I was playing! Even after I said ‘Anyway, here’s Wonderwall,’ which is, like, my signature opening line, more people moved away from me than usual!”Hugh was both shocked and surprised at the reaction to his “classic” ice-breaker for many casual gatherings and social events of the past. When I proceeded to ask if he had considered mastering yet another overplayed campfire tune, he was adamant that it was his “signature song.” With the well-known progressive social environment of our fair city, change has become commonplace as it reflects the artistic diversity of our community. New bands and independent artists are steadily emerging onto the scene and show no signs of slowing down, continually setting the bar higher and higher for those wishing to make an impression. “I don’t know what’s going on with people these days,” Hugh remarked when I asked about the future of music. “All I know is that stupid Oasis song doesn’t get me nearly as much poon as it used to.”Those akin with Hugh who possess only a casual interest in music involving actual instruments instead of Macbooks and drum machines will too feel the effects of this evolution as it takes place right before our eyes. That being said, twenty-something desperados hoping to stay afloat in this turbulent musical era should look no further than the simple four-chord progressions behind 90s hits such as Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit”, Sublime’s “Santeria”, and Green Day’s “Wake Me Up (When September Ends)”. As for the future of these campfire crooners, will they continue their reign of terror over casual friendly gatherings and bonfires? Or will the demand for real talent finally snuff them out?
In breaking news, UW-Madison freshman, Faye Lure has dropped out of classes for the semester, citing the outage of the university’s campus-wide wifi as the cause of her decision. She claims that the lack of connectivity to the internet has caused an unnatural disconnection between herself and her generation’s love of using picture or gif templates as coping mechanisms or as a response to current events. The Daily Cardinal reached out to her concerning her allegations.“Moving to campus has been a very stressful thing for me, you know? Having to move downtown from the suburbs of Middleton has been a drastic change for me. And yeah, I know they are only a few miles away, but I just feel so far from everyone I know and love.”She continued, “I haven’t been able to Skype my family or check Canvas for class updates, but most importantly, I haven’t been able to keep up with the trending memes. I didn’t even know about the Ted Cruz twitter incident until HOURS after it happened. Can you even imagine how hard it is to live like this?”Cardinal reporters later informed Lure’s professors of the situation to which they expressed great concern, some even moved to tears. Her biology professor stated, “Had we been informed of this student’s predicament sooner we could most definitely have accommodated for her needs. We fully understand that some students need memes of the dankest degree in order to properly process and understand class content and worldly news. In response to this myself, as well as some of her other teachers, are planning on fully integrating memes into our curriculum. I’m even allotting the first and last five minutes of class to browsing Twitter’s trending topics and Reddit’s blackpeopletwitter.”After Faye learned of this change in class curriculum she reached out to the Cardinal to inform us that she would be attempting to return to classes in the fall semester, but the internet outage has so far not allowed her to do so. She has gone to DoIT, but so far they have instructed her to turn her computer on and off again.When Cardinal staffers learned of her predicament, they all pitched in to a GoFundMe fundraiser in the hopes that Faye can get a new unlimited data plan and browse dank memes in her time of need.As of the publication of this article DoIT has not yet responded to the Cardinal’s numerous requests for comments.
Tensions have risen in recent days at the Gamma Delta Beta sorority house due to a malfunctioning VCR, and all sources point towards electrical engineering major Tom Bakerstaff as the culprit. The trouble began at approximately 11:30 P.M. on Tuesday when a banana was found jammed into the tape slot of the VCR in the basement. The shocking discovery was made by senior Sarah Marston when she tried to put in a VHS tape of “The Lion King”. “Oh. My. Freaking. God.” said Marston as she tried to scrape mushed banana from the inside of the tape player. “We were just going have a chill girls Disney night with gluten free crackers and hummus.” She shot an angry glance towards the interviewer. “I bet it was Stacy’s stupid boyfriend Tom. He always does shit like this.”Gamma Delta Beta member Stacy Berk is involved in a controversial relationship with Bakerstaff, a relationship that many of her sorority sisters disapprove of. Tom has been known for “totally pranking” the sorority house in the past, with memorable incidents such as Saran wrapping cars, stretching tape through doorways, and the infamous TP-ing of the house and yard. Even more incriminating is the fact that Bakerstaff has shoved bananas in VCRs in the past. “Tom Bakerstaff? I know that asshole.” said an elderly bookkeeper at Memorial Libray. “He found the one VCR we still have in this damn place and shoved a banana in it. Worst of all, no one uses it so it started decomposing. There was an entire tree starting to grow when I tried to put in a “Lawrence Welk Show” tape a few months ago and I had to go to over four yard sales that weekend to find a new one.”Bakerstaff has yet to be apprehended by Alpha Chi Omega officers, but immense pressure has been placed on Stacy Berk to cease relations with him. “Oh my God, Stacy better dump his ass.” commented sorority sister Jenny Schwarz. Tom Bakerstaff was last seen gluing pennies to the ground.
Ancient Greek Mythology states that on the Ides of September, when Hades would throw a raging house party in his deathly domain, the kegs of ambrosia would be tapped, the bouncer would charge one gold piece per cup and the heat would rise as the floor of molten magma filled the chamber with acrid fumes. As legend has it, Mother Earth, more commonly known as Gaia, would disrobe, due to the excessive heat and the rising temperatures.“Geoscientists stationed at the poles have begun to receive seismic readings indicating large sections of ozone being removed and cast off into space,” a UW scientist stationed at a research outpost in Antarctica said. “The ozone sheets are beginning to resemble large formations of what looks like clothes.”“You see, here,” he said, gesturing to the radar scanner, “this here is an ozone sheet. As the temperature rises on Earth and Gaia becomes frustrated at its inhabitants not recognizing the blatantly obvious facts, she begins to cast off her clothes. You see, that’s a brassiere.”“The climate is obviously not changing,” President Trump said, as he gestured to an enormous, mountain-shaped graph indicating astronomically increasing temperatures, rising exponentially since the start of the Industrial Revolution. “These numbers mean nothing, and science is rapidly becoming irrelevant as my illogical ramblings become more relevant.”Trump then proceeded to remove the climate reading board on the stand, and upturned it, resulting in a modified logarithmic graph. Gasps arose from the reporters.“The temperature since the start of the Industrial Revolution has approached… what’s that number?” Trump asked.“Zero,” a reporter in the Press Room said.“Zero,” Trump said. “The number has been approaching zero.”“As the legend has it, one of the Titans cast into Tartarus queued a flamin’ track on the DJ deck,” the researcher said. “As the bass built and the track dropped, the entire dance floor went crazy. The ambrosia kegs were flowing freely, and the party reached its peak.“Gaia is disrobing as a direct result of the temperature on Earth getting hotter and hotter,” the researcher said. “It’s getting hot in here, and she’s taking off all her clothes.”
Study finds immature behavior, vulgar language clinically linked to regular Monster energy drink consumption
Monster Energy has found itself under public scrutiny in recent days after a University of Wisconsin study released Friday established a correlation between excessive consumption of the energy drink and immature, verbally belligerent behavior.“Based on the parameters we have noticed,” a leading researcher at the University of Wisconsin said, “it is evident that mere exposure to the Monster Energy brand elicits an adverse reaction in some of the consumers, namely those who expose themselves to the accelerant and then engage in highly stimulating activities, such as video games.”The global sports drink brand, highly recognizable for its role in promoting action sports events like motocross, snowboarding and monster truck derbies, has come under global scrutiny in recent weeks for its links to adverse behavior among several professional video game athletes. Additionally, the logo’s ubiquitous presence on extreme sports jerseys, mixed martial arts octagons and various strains of third-rate apparel has established the three-clawed swipe as one of the world’s most damaged brands.“[The Major League Gaming Convention] gave us a perfect testing ground to see just how Monster affects people’s frontal lobes,” a UW researcher said. “Imagine turning the entire convention center into one giant test tube, without a control group, and zero operational parameters.”The communication link of one gamer, StarFox69, was cut after a torrent of profanity poured from his gaming headset. Subjects and expletives included the mothers of opposing gamers, the responsiveness of his teammates and Gov. Scott Walker.“He just started going bonkers,” said one of the MLG gamers surveyed, “and went off the rails.”Analysts of StarFox69’s behavior describe the erratic nature of his comments and the precise placement of the verbal outburst, occurring immediately after the consumption of six units of Monster—equivalent to over fifty ounces, or three pounds, of concentrated liquid adrenaline.“Kids are playing video games younger and younger,” a leading scientist said, “and with that exposure comes related exposure to substances—much like facing the pressures associated with socializing at a top-ranked party school. We can only hope that kids are responsible with their choices while engaging in these games.”
Early Wednesday morning, Madison resident Holden W. Magroin was released from Dane County Sheriff’s Department after being arrested on Regent Street the previous night and charged with public intoxication as well as public urination. A source who wishes to remain anonymous reports that during an allegedly “painfully silent” car ride home with his wife, Magroin announced that he would be going to court to fight the charges. The source went on the disclose that when pressed on how he would oppose the charge, the accused urinator replied “Umm ... see, the thing is … well, where was I? It was self-defense!” The source stated the opinion that this seemed to be made up on the spot and postulated that it may have originated with Magroin’s love of national news stories. Cardinal reporters caught up with Magroin later in the week to uncover more on the story. He was quoted saying: “Here’s the thing: Was I drunk? That’s for the court to decide. I really had no choice on the matter. I was walking completely normally down an alley on the way home from the pub—I mean ... church!—when this stop sign started leaning towards me. I didn’t feel safe, so I took the only action I could to protect myself.” When asked for more details, Magroin simply stated that he had been in church Tuesday night from 8-11:30 with his friend Dave. Dave could not be reached for comment.When asked for a comment on the story, arresting officer Charlie McCop stated that he had observed Magroin stumble out of a bar, named Whiskey’s Church, start shouting wildly about how dark it was and then proceeded to urinate on a stop sign. At this point, McCop felt that he “had no choice but to arrest the clearly inebriated man.”At press time, McCop was apprehending a different man urinating on the same stop sign
Late Tuesday night, every student enrolled in Mechanical Engineering 201: Introduction to Mechanical Engineering received an email from their professor with the class syllabus attached. The syllabus outlined the criteria for grades, the dates of their five midterms and most importantly their assignments for the semester, the first of which piqued the interest of the majority of students. Concerning this assignment their professor wrote: “Due Friday, September 8th, every student enrolled in this course must prepare a list of sentences discussing the difficulty of this class and their engineering major in its entirety. Students must be prepared to answer any question, statement or comment (directed to them or otherwise) pertaining to difficulty of any variety with a swift rebuttal about how hard their classes and majors are. “There will be no volunteers; students will be chosen at random. Failure to complete the assignment will result in removal from class and expulsion from the School of Engineering.”After receiving news of this, the Cardinal reached out to incoming mechanical engineering major Ken G. Neer who seemed more than up to the task.“My brother told me it would be difficult, but I never imagined being an engineering major would be this difficult.” He continued, “I mean, classes haven’t started yet and we already have an assignment. What other majors have to deal with stuff like this?” When asked if he was prepared to be randomly selected he replied, “I didn’t sleep a wink last night; I’ve just been working on this assignment.”When Cardinal reporters later mentioned this to the course’s professor, he seemed proud, saying, “That kid, Ken, is going to go far in this world. That kind of dedication and it isn’t even day one yet?” He continued, “Also, this isn’t in the syllabus, but their final project is going to be my students versus the pre-med kids. Whoever complains the most throughout the semester gets a better curve on their final exam.”
The number of students choosing the pre-med track has skyrocketed this September thanks to ball-busting pressure from parents and the false, fantasized day in a doctor’s life portrayed by Grey’s Anatomy (which was originally an anatomical textbook). However, this influx is misleading; the number of doctors who attended UW-Madison for their undergraduate education has little to no correlation to the number of students who are currently claiming they will be doctors. According to highly trusted sources—that, opposed to what your high school English teacher taught you, do not need to be named to be credible to the general public—an astounding 83.2 percent of pre-med students at the beginning of their freshman year had all switched career plans by January of the same academic year.
The Dane County Sheriff’s Department has declared a regional state of emergency for the neighborhood surrounding a Coca-Cola plant in Middleton after 48 cases of Mentos were found hidden within the manufacturing pipeline. The incident, confirmed as an act of terror by regional officials, was allegedly intended to set off a chemical chain reaction between the candies and the volumes of Coke produced within the plant. Thankfully, a vigilant floor worker discovered the cases of Mentos before the plant’s auto-filtration system turned on, engulfing the minty gummy candy in Coca-Cola and embroiling the entire plant in a sugary tsunami of carbonated death.
A buffer before you have to deal with “the real world”Three jobs and a full class loadVitally important to your futureSomehow still a privilege not a rightEasier than it used to be, so stop complainingConstructed by people who used to “have it hard”Too P.C.Not the place to talk about race, sex, or culturePointless if you’re an English majorFailing to teach people to writePointless if you’re an arts majorFailing to teach people to creatively solve problemsPointless if you’re a philosophy majorFailing to teach students to think of the big pictureA place to take risks, don’t be afraid of mistakesHugely important, so don’t screw it upAn opportunity to network for your careerAn opportunity for employers to get unpaid internsA good time to travelAn unpaid internship and tuition of at least $10,488 a yearA good time to start saving moneyAn unpaid internship and tuition of at least $10,488 a yearA good time to follow your passionsAn unpaid internship and tuition of at least $10,488 a yearA place to make new interesting friendsBut don’t fall in with the wrong crowdA good time to figure what you want to do with your lifeOnly supposed to last four years so hurry up and decideA good time to listenA good time to learn who, exactly, is worth listening to.
i like the ocean because of its rhythms there’s something about the tide that is comforting. like you, the ocean only knows how to love in waves there’s some days—oh honey some days I’m over the moon shackled by your electricity, but i don’t mind then you kiss me and i’m on another planet then your eyes stop meeting mine your hand pulls away as you reach for another —i wish you listened more like you, the ocean only knows how to love in waves you’ve started a fire in me i pulse to the beat of youyour lips taste like spring and i never want to stop waking upeven if we were on another planet baby--i will always be able to find you the days when you don’t touch me are the worst and i tattoo your lies across my skin so that i can feel something even though those hurt the most you and the ocean only know how to love in waves all of my light lives in you you danced it away while you bit my neck some days baby i think this is it :i’ve found you in a whole universe of distractions i don’t remember myself without you but some days i think you see right through me and i feel my insides melt and my mascara slide off my facei wish you didn’t only know how to love in waves
the ethereal sounds againas i am crosslegged on the top bunkback leaned against the concrete wallpainted white in the fifties,now an ivory cream.there is a bourdon in the backsolid, firm, like the cheap mattresson which i am perched, freshman.and above it undulatesa great many unplaceable sounds:a woman’s voice (not yours,though faint and tremblinglike when you first sang for me)not the wind but an echo of the windand the sound i imagine stars make;and in the room, the sound of lake ice and fever.trying to meditate but really half-asleepnever one for it before, but youbrought a reality i couldn’t processin my endless processing,the spiraling that leads me wash my handsthat leads me count the breathscount the lights in the roomswhere i sit and scribble an A testbut think only of what it is you’re feelingfor him, in love with you and you with meand me with him and you with himand you with death and me withall of it.
My Cleopatra girl,who dies and dies again,with flesh as white as pearls,who under death will always strain.And who am I, your love,clown as fool as the rest,a raven to a dove,who yet is asp upon your breast
i want to hollow out the broken shards ofmyself that lurk behind my skin you scraped the insides of me with your dirty fingernails and then blamed me for bleeding. i was silent, choking on screaming words,but they made a demigod out of you. you weren’t hiding in the busheswaiting to jump out; and maybe that was your best disguise. a wolf dressed in sheep’s clothing but we still let you shear us into silence it’s been four years.there have been 4 others like you. —and they said that only odd numbers were unlucky But i’ll keep writing poems that have teeth —biting where it hurtsbecause: “this is what happens when women speak their truth:We Can Slay Dragons” 1. quote from Lisa Bloom, Attorney for three Bill O’Reilly accusers
The exasperation was palpable across fired FBI director James Comey’s face on Thursday morning as he traipsed through the ordeal of sitting in a government building for reasons other than obtaining a boating license.“To be honest, I’d rather eat radioactive waste by myself than dine with President Trump,” Comey said, clearing his throat into the microphone. “I was really looking forward to a kitesurfing vacation with an eccentric billionaire like Richard Branson, and I am disheartened by the fact that Washington wants me back.”Laptop keyboards at the hands of Politico and Buzzfeed reporters were hammering away as Comey blasted away one-liner after one-liner of his time working with progressively inept members of the Trump administration.Former FBI officials agree that Comey’s experience as a fired FBI director is not commonplace, owing to exceptional levels of political and social turmoil across the federal government after the installation of dysfunctional executive staff with record-low levels of political skill.“Hopefully this hearing only lasts one day,” Comey said, “and I’d prefer them to put me up in the Watergate. I’d rather have my phones tapped than stay in that disasterpiece of a hotel Trump built down the street.Trump likes tweeting about his tapes. The American people want to see some tapes—namely those tapes with the call girls and the golden shower from the Russian hotel. WikiLeaks could prove itself useful and make that information public.“It’s unfortunate that Bannon isn’t present, front-row, at these hearings. Seeing as he’s the maniac who orchestrated this; why blame the ushers for a bad show?“And Kellyanne Conway…” Comey lamented, “conversations with her are like talking to a Chia Pet.”
Early Thursday morning a UW-Police officer discovered a SOAR student wandering the halls of the labyrinthine Humanities Building. The officer entered the building after receiving reports of a Bigfoot-like creature wandering the halls. The Cardinal reached out to the officer, Paul B. Lart.The cop said, “I found him in the bathroom drinking water from a toilet bowl. There was a water bubbler right down the hall, poor guy. Being in a building like this ... does something to a person’s mind. Heck, I almost mistook a painting of a water bubbler for the real thing.”The Humanities building, known for its hideous exterior, is also ironically, the second home to art majors on the UW campus. Its interior design seems to follow no logical pattern in terms of room placement and numbers, which leads to many unfortunate students becoming trapped in its halls. Even the architects who designed the building have been found wandering aimlessly months after its construction.While it’s not rare for SOAR students, or even freshmen, to be found wandering the halls of the Humanities building, this student set an unprecedented record for time spent missing in the maze-like building. Normally UWPD finds the students by the end of their freshman year. The UWPD Chief, Kristen Roman, expressed some concern.“This raises some alarming issues,” she said. “How many more students are still wandering those halls, trying to find their way out? We want to send a search party, but we lost contact with the last group we dispatched in there. It’s been two months since we last heard from them.”When asked if he would consider volunteering to take part in a search party Officer Lart said, “There’s no way they’re sending me back in there. I’m considering going back to the simple life of being a mall cop after all this.”The SOAR student could not be reached for any questions, but our sources tell us he’s planning to begin his art history major in the upcoming fall semester.
Prospective business major Nick Rinaldi arrived at freshmen orientation sporting a two-piece suit, enabling him to meet roughly half of the Wisconsin School of Business’ graduation requirements.In accordance with School of Business bylaws, Rinaldi was immediately sent to meet with Dean François Ortalo-Magné by his SOAR advisor upon checking in.“When I received word about [Rinaldi’s] appearance, I knew I had to have him come to my office right away,” Ortalo-Magné said.While the majority of SOAR attendees donned shorts and other typical summer garb, Rinaldi stood out in his outfit which featured black Cole Haan dress shoes and a shiny blue tie. Though he was not a direct admit to the Business School from his application, Rinaldi was accepted to the management program and granted junior standing immediately.According to Ortalo-Magné, the majority of the undergraduate degree requirements relate to dress and networking, so it was only appropriate to fasttrack the 18-year-old to upperclassmen status.“I was bored scrolling through LinkedIn one night and decided to peek at some of the degree requirements,” Rinaldi told Cardinal reporters. “I saw all these courses about where to buy nice suits and stuff so I figured why not wear one to orientation?”Other students expressed confusion about Rinaldi’s fashion decision on an 88 degree day.“Who was that guy?” SOAR group mate Ryan Sköglund inquired. “I thought he was going to be promoting a Mormon student organization or something.”Another student, who spoke with The Cardinal under the condition of anonymity, described Rinaldi as a “sweaty tryhard.”With his sights set on graduating in 2019, Rinaldi appeared unfazed by his peers’ comments.“You can never be too well prepared,” he said. “I was rehearsing firm, dry handshakes with my dad last night.”However, according to Ortalo-Magné, Rinaldi could have been better equipped.“If [Rinaldi] had brought business cards, he would be a senior right now,” he said.
Incoming junior Nick Rinaldi contemptuously looks over his underdressed classmates, many of whom sport sneakers.