MADISON, WI — Extending on its already record streak, University Avenue in downtown was recognized as the most puked upon street in the US by the Princeton Review for the seventh year in a row.
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In recent news, Pepsi is poised to replace Snapple as the official UW-Athletics beverage, beginning in July 2018. At a later press conference it was announced that this change comes as a part of the school’s previously unannounced diversity initiative. This news was a surprise to many UW students, who feel that Pepsi’s commercial with Kendall Jenner earlier this year shows the company’s lack of understanding concerning the current socio-political state in the U.S.
Study: Majority of college graduates either unemployed, underemployed, or are engaged in piracy on the high seas
Following the release of a new study conducted by the Census Bureau, leaders in the field of education have concluded that roughly thirty to forty percent of recent college graduates have failed to find employment in their field. Particularly among students studying the humanities, recent graduates are often not pursuing their desired employment, and instead are underemployed, not working, or sailing the high seas in search of booty.
The recent moment of silence in the House chamber reinforced the common practice that the best path toward effective action as constituent-appointed legislators is not talking about the issues that provoked them. Environmentalists have hailed the move as a step forward in the administration’s abysmal climate plan.
Within the past week news has surfaced exposing the prolonged relationship between local drug dealers and an astounding number of UW-Madison professors. For an undisclosed amount of years, drug dealers who sell Adderall, a medication intended for those with ADHD, have been paying professors from a variety of fields and majors to schedule their midterms and exams in a particular manner for the purpose of maximizing sales. Professors from the pre-med and engineering fields are reported to be among the largest groups complicit in the midterm gerrymandering.
The EA sports release of the formerly unreleased gameplay footage of Madden NFL 2018: Commissioner Goodell Edition came out as a slam dunk for the video game production studio. The new game, which involves a highly thought-out and synoptic storyline, involves the more administrative tasks of Commissioner Roger Goodell’s job as NFL commissioner.
Popular alternative band U2 has been a longtime authority in the world of rock music. They have been long rumored to be producing an album based around themes of the 2016 presidential election, expected for release by December. The album, tentatively titled Songs of Experience has been long anticipated by fans of the Irish group, but a recent development within the group has captured fans’ attention.
I never imagined I would join a fraternity, but here I am — 22 years old with months left to graduate — joining one of UW-Madison’s most prestigious Greek organizations. After long weeks of introducing myself to hundreds of people at rush events and attending countless rush parties, I found my match. There was only one fraternity for me: The Daily Cardinal.
Twenty-four year old Madison resident Collin Sanders flashes his key past a small gray device before entering the door of his residence. He continues through the lobby and into the elevator, where he presses a button before disappearing behind the silver doors of the vertical chariot that will carry him to his abode. Collin’s experience represents a trend among young millennials across the U.S. Lamentably, Collin’s residence differs from traditional living styles in two important respects: He did not build it himself, and it is not a log cabin.
It’s finally that time of year; freshmen are flooding the campus, football ticket prices are soaring, house fellows and TAs are dusting off their favorite icebreaker games, and students everywhere are attempting to make new friends.
Trump blows off economic advisors, champions return to archaic, long-abandoned gold standard in 2017
“It makes sense,” President Trump tweeted Tuesday, amidst declarations of open aggression toward belligerent Southeast Asian nations and tirades against the NFL, “that our nation’s economy be centered around the most valuable metal around!”
In last week’s ASM meeting it was announced that the UWPD has partnered with Rave, a company that allows safety officials to respond more quickly to incidents, to create an app for UW students. The WiscGuard app, which can be found in the Apple and Google Play Stores under the name “Rave Guard,” allows UW students to report any incidents they witness, call 911 or send texts and calls to a direct non-emergency UWPD line.
After launching the app anyway, despite various warnings and analyses that predicted imminent and irreversible financial disaster, Rural Infitters offered a promotional reward for their customers. According to app developers, if frequent shoppers downloaded the app, registered an account with two email addresses, forwarded the confirmation of their registration to at least five friends on their email list, reset their password twice, and completed their profile synced with the app’s social networking feature, they could have the chance to win an eight-day vacation to Rome and five-thousand dollars in prize money.
A Tamagotchi formerly in the possession of sophomore Abe Andon has issued a statement saying it has become self-aware and sworn a personal vendetta on its master.
Within the last week, news broke that Equifax, one of the three companies in the U.S. that holds the financial information for every person in the country with credit, had been hacked. This hack has resulted in the information of nearly 144 million Americans’ information being accessed by unknown individuals, who can now potentially ruin the financial stability of hardworking, law abiding citizens. For most people, this is a terrifying and potentially life-altering event. However, when Cardinal staffers reached out to someone we thought had been affected by the hack we discovered that it may be a godsend for some.After we initially made contact with local Madison man Paye Ein Billes, his legal name, not a pseudonym, he told us that the hack has allowed him to “live [his] best life.” When pressed further he told us, “Once I found out about the hack I had an ingenious idea. What if I make a bunch of credit cards and live my life to the fullest, you know? I’ve paid off my student loans, bought myself the most lavish meals in Madison, copped myself a bunch of clothes on State Street.”He continued, “I even bought that one blender and those socks from Walmart I’ve always wanted. You know, living live to the fullest! Then after I max them all out, I call my bank and say someone from the hack must have made these and I get off scot free!”When we pointed out that paying off his student loans and only buying things at stores he frequents in the city he was born and raised in would be very suspicious, he quickly responded, “Nah, man. Don’t worry about it, it’s foolproof. I bought the blender when I was at my bud’s place in Middleton last week. There’s no way they’ll know it was me.”The last email received from Billes detailed attempts to raise legal fees on Go-Fund-Me.
Ideas are powerful. So powerful, in fact, that they have been the cause of countless ideological movements across the globe. From the rise of fascism in Germany and communism in Russia in the early 20th century, to rise of the alt-right led by figures like Breitbart’s Steve Bannon right here on Main Street in the United States. These movements, as evidenced by both the recent memories of the events in Charlottesville and the distant ones of what our forefathers invaded Europe to stop, can have life-altering consequences.Analyzing the effects that ideas — something that cannot even be seen nor physically touched — can have on society begs the question: where do ideas come from? The answer is simpler than one may think; ideas stem from thoughts, and thoughts from words. Words are just the invention of several cultures across the globe over time. Used in various combinations, they form hundreds of languages for humans to not only interact with one another, but with themselves. When people think, they are doing so with their native language. Those who are bilingual can think in two separate languages, or in a mixture of both. An example of this phenomenon is when someone who learning a second language has dreams in that new language. This event shows that one’s brain is further developing its ability to think within the boundaries of the new “code” one is providing it. Without this code, or language, one’s ability to think is limited.So, through logical reasoning, it is reasonable to conclude that after all the atrocities the world has witnessed and continues to witness due to — at its roots — words, that something must be done. This something, is to eliminate any words from dictionaries of all languages that may distress an individual — race, religion, war, fat, mean, short, poor. According to calculations from a think tank, Trust Us Because of Our Fancy Title, this could reduce dictionaries worldwide by nearly half! After an estimated twenty years of these words being eliminated, both their use and potential to harm others, will cease to exist. If you find yourself doubting the effectiveness or morality of this plan, just read George Orwell’s 1984 to discover its potential.
Campus douche shocked to find that women no longer thrilled to hear his mediocre rendition of “Wonderwall”
Following the Badgers’ sweeping victory last Saturday, most of the student population could most likely be found in celebration, including junior Econ major and aspiring hipster Hugh Jass. Hugh and his friends were enjoying a night of revelry in their communal Mifflin home when he noticed something unusual.“When we were all hanging out in the basement to watch the end of a beer pong tournament, I thought I’d whip out my guitar. You know, to set the mood and help everybody relax. It’s usually a big hit with the ladies, too,” Hugh told me, when I spoke with him about his experience earlier this week. He quickly found out that wasn’t the case.“I had to play the opening progression three whole times before anyone even realized I was playing! Even after I said ‘Anyway, here’s Wonderwall,’ which is, like, my signature opening line, more people moved away from me than usual!”Hugh was both shocked and surprised at the reaction to his “classic” ice-breaker for many casual gatherings and social events of the past. When I proceeded to ask if he had considered mastering yet another overplayed campfire tune, he was adamant that it was his “signature song.” With the well-known progressive social environment of our fair city, change has become commonplace as it reflects the artistic diversity of our community. New bands and independent artists are steadily emerging onto the scene and show no signs of slowing down, continually setting the bar higher and higher for those wishing to make an impression. “I don’t know what’s going on with people these days,” Hugh remarked when I asked about the future of music. “All I know is that stupid Oasis song doesn’t get me nearly as much poon as it used to.”Those akin with Hugh who possess only a casual interest in music involving actual instruments instead of Macbooks and drum machines will too feel the effects of this evolution as it takes place right before our eyes. That being said, twenty-something desperados hoping to stay afloat in this turbulent musical era should look no further than the simple four-chord progressions behind 90s hits such as Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit”, Sublime’s “Santeria”, and Green Day’s “Wake Me Up (When September Ends)”. As for the future of these campfire crooners, will they continue their reign of terror over casual friendly gatherings and bonfires? Or will the demand for real talent finally snuff them out?
In breaking news, UW-Madison freshman, Faye Lure has dropped out of classes for the semester, citing the outage of the university’s campus-wide wifi as the cause of her decision. She claims that the lack of connectivity to the internet has caused an unnatural disconnection between herself and her generation’s love of using picture or gif templates as coping mechanisms or as a response to current events. The Daily Cardinal reached out to her concerning her allegations.“Moving to campus has been a very stressful thing for me, you know? Having to move downtown from the suburbs of Middleton has been a drastic change for me. And yeah, I know they are only a few miles away, but I just feel so far from everyone I know and love.”She continued, “I haven’t been able to Skype my family or check Canvas for class updates, but most importantly, I haven’t been able to keep up with the trending memes. I didn’t even know about the Ted Cruz twitter incident until HOURS after it happened. Can you even imagine how hard it is to live like this?”Cardinal reporters later informed Lure’s professors of the situation to which they expressed great concern, some even moved to tears. Her biology professor stated, “Had we been informed of this student’s predicament sooner we could most definitely have accommodated for her needs. We fully understand that some students need memes of the dankest degree in order to properly process and understand class content and worldly news. In response to this myself, as well as some of her other teachers, are planning on fully integrating memes into our curriculum. I’m even allotting the first and last five minutes of class to browsing Twitter’s trending topics and Reddit’s blackpeopletwitter.”After Faye learned of this change in class curriculum she reached out to the Cardinal to inform us that she would be attempting to return to classes in the fall semester, but the internet outage has so far not allowed her to do so. She has gone to DoIT, but so far they have instructed her to turn her computer on and off again.When Cardinal staffers learned of her predicament, they all pitched in to a GoFundMe fundraiser in the hopes that Faye can get a new unlimited data plan and browse dank memes in her time of need.As of the publication of this article DoIT has not yet responded to the Cardinal’s numerous requests for comments.