The Dane County Sheriff’s Department has declared a regional state of emergency for the neighborhood surrounding a Coca-Cola plant in Middleton after 48 cases of Mentos were found hidden within the manufacturing pipeline. The incident, confirmed as an act of terror by regional officials, was allegedly intended to set off a chemical chain reaction between the candies and the volumes of Coke produced within the plant. Thankfully, a vigilant floor worker discovered the cases of Mentos before the plant’s auto-filtration system turned on, engulfing the minty gummy candy in Coca-Cola and embroiling the entire plant in a sugary tsunami of carbonated death.
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A buffer before you have to deal with “the real world”Three jobs and a full class loadVitally important to your futureSomehow still a privilege not a rightEasier than it used to be, so stop complainingConstructed by people who used to “have it hard”Too P.C.Not the place to talk about race, sex, or culturePointless if you’re an English majorFailing to teach people to writePointless if you’re an arts majorFailing to teach people to creatively solve problemsPointless if you’re a philosophy majorFailing to teach students to think of the big pictureA place to take risks, don’t be afraid of mistakesHugely important, so don’t screw it upAn opportunity to network for your careerAn opportunity for employers to get unpaid internsA good time to travelAn unpaid internship and tuition of at least $10,488 a yearA good time to start saving moneyAn unpaid internship and tuition of at least $10,488 a yearA good time to follow your passionsAn unpaid internship and tuition of at least $10,488 a yearA place to make new interesting friendsBut don’t fall in with the wrong crowdA good time to figure what you want to do with your lifeOnly supposed to last four years so hurry up and decideA good time to listenA good time to learn who, exactly, is worth listening to.
i like the ocean because of its rhythms there’s something about the tide that is comforting. like you, the ocean only knows how to love in waves there’s some days—oh honey some days I’m over the moon shackled by your electricity, but i don’t mind then you kiss me and i’m on another planet then your eyes stop meeting mine your hand pulls away as you reach for another —i wish you listened more like you, the ocean only knows how to love in waves you’ve started a fire in me i pulse to the beat of youyour lips taste like spring and i never want to stop waking upeven if we were on another planet baby--i will always be able to find you the days when you don’t touch me are the worst and i tattoo your lies across my skin so that i can feel something even though those hurt the most you and the ocean only know how to love in waves all of my light lives in you you danced it away while you bit my neck some days baby i think this is it :i’ve found you in a whole universe of distractions i don’t remember myself without you but some days i think you see right through me and i feel my insides melt and my mascara slide off my facei wish you didn’t only know how to love in waves
the ethereal sounds againas i am crosslegged on the top bunkback leaned against the concrete wallpainted white in the fifties,now an ivory cream.there is a bourdon in the backsolid, firm, like the cheap mattresson which i am perched, freshman.and above it undulatesa great many unplaceable sounds:a woman’s voice (not yours,though faint and tremblinglike when you first sang for me)not the wind but an echo of the windand the sound i imagine stars make;and in the room, the sound of lake ice and fever.trying to meditate but really half-asleepnever one for it before, but youbrought a reality i couldn’t processin my endless processing,the spiraling that leads me wash my handsthat leads me count the breathscount the lights in the roomswhere i sit and scribble an A testbut think only of what it is you’re feelingfor him, in love with you and you with meand me with him and you with himand you with death and me withall of it.
My Cleopatra girl,who dies and dies again,with flesh as white as pearls,who under death will always strain.And who am I, your love,clown as fool as the rest,a raven to a dove,who yet is asp upon your breast
i want to hollow out the broken shards ofmyself that lurk behind my skin you scraped the insides of me with your dirty fingernails and then blamed me for bleeding. i was silent, choking on screaming words,but they made a demigod out of you. you weren’t hiding in the busheswaiting to jump out; and maybe that was your best disguise. a wolf dressed in sheep’s clothing but we still let you shear us into silence it’s been four years.there have been 4 others like you. —and they said that only odd numbers were unlucky But i’ll keep writing poems that have teeth —biting where it hurtsbecause: “this is what happens when women speak their truth:We Can Slay Dragons” 1. quote from Lisa Bloom, Attorney for three Bill O’Reilly accusers
The exasperation was palpable across fired FBI director James Comey’s face on Thursday morning as he traipsed through the ordeal of sitting in a government building for reasons other than obtaining a boating license.“To be honest, I’d rather eat radioactive waste by myself than dine with President Trump,” Comey said, clearing his throat into the microphone. “I was really looking forward to a kitesurfing vacation with an eccentric billionaire like Richard Branson, and I am disheartened by the fact that Washington wants me back.”Laptop keyboards at the hands of Politico and Buzzfeed reporters were hammering away as Comey blasted away one-liner after one-liner of his time working with progressively inept members of the Trump administration.Former FBI officials agree that Comey’s experience as a fired FBI director is not commonplace, owing to exceptional levels of political and social turmoil across the federal government after the installation of dysfunctional executive staff with record-low levels of political skill.“Hopefully this hearing only lasts one day,” Comey said, “and I’d prefer them to put me up in the Watergate. I’d rather have my phones tapped than stay in that disasterpiece of a hotel Trump built down the street.Trump likes tweeting about his tapes. The American people want to see some tapes—namely those tapes with the call girls and the golden shower from the Russian hotel. WikiLeaks could prove itself useful and make that information public.“It’s unfortunate that Bannon isn’t present, front-row, at these hearings. Seeing as he’s the maniac who orchestrated this; why blame the ushers for a bad show?“And Kellyanne Conway…” Comey lamented, “conversations with her are like talking to a Chia Pet.”
Early Thursday morning a UW-Police officer discovered a SOAR student wandering the halls of the labyrinthine Humanities Building. The officer entered the building after receiving reports of a Bigfoot-like creature wandering the halls. The Cardinal reached out to the officer, Paul B. Lart.The cop said, “I found him in the bathroom drinking water from a toilet bowl. There was a water bubbler right down the hall, poor guy. Being in a building like this ... does something to a person’s mind. Heck, I almost mistook a painting of a water bubbler for the real thing.”The Humanities building, known for its hideous exterior, is also ironically, the second home to art majors on the UW campus. Its interior design seems to follow no logical pattern in terms of room placement and numbers, which leads to many unfortunate students becoming trapped in its halls. Even the architects who designed the building have been found wandering aimlessly months after its construction.While it’s not rare for SOAR students, or even freshmen, to be found wandering the halls of the Humanities building, this student set an unprecedented record for time spent missing in the maze-like building. Normally UWPD finds the students by the end of their freshman year. The UWPD Chief, Kristen Roman, expressed some concern.“This raises some alarming issues,” she said. “How many more students are still wandering those halls, trying to find their way out? We want to send a search party, but we lost contact with the last group we dispatched in there. It’s been two months since we last heard from them.”When asked if he would consider volunteering to take part in a search party Officer Lart said, “There’s no way they’re sending me back in there. I’m considering going back to the simple life of being a mall cop after all this.”The SOAR student could not be reached for any questions, but our sources tell us he’s planning to begin his art history major in the upcoming fall semester.
Prospective business major Nick Rinaldi arrived at freshmen orientation sporting a two-piece suit, enabling him to meet roughly half of the Wisconsin School of Business’ graduation requirements.In accordance with School of Business bylaws, Rinaldi was immediately sent to meet with Dean François Ortalo-Magné by his SOAR advisor upon checking in.“When I received word about [Rinaldi’s] appearance, I knew I had to have him come to my office right away,” Ortalo-Magné said.While the majority of SOAR attendees donned shorts and other typical summer garb, Rinaldi stood out in his outfit which featured black Cole Haan dress shoes and a shiny blue tie. Though he was not a direct admit to the Business School from his application, Rinaldi was accepted to the management program and granted junior standing immediately.According to Ortalo-Magné, the majority of the undergraduate degree requirements relate to dress and networking, so it was only appropriate to fasttrack the 18-year-old to upperclassmen status.“I was bored scrolling through LinkedIn one night and decided to peek at some of the degree requirements,” Rinaldi told Cardinal reporters. “I saw all these courses about where to buy nice suits and stuff so I figured why not wear one to orientation?”Other students expressed confusion about Rinaldi’s fashion decision on an 88 degree day.“Who was that guy?” SOAR group mate Ryan Sköglund inquired. “I thought he was going to be promoting a Mormon student organization or something.”Another student, who spoke with The Cardinal under the condition of anonymity, described Rinaldi as a “sweaty tryhard.”With his sights set on graduating in 2019, Rinaldi appeared unfazed by his peers’ comments.“You can never be too well prepared,” he said. “I was rehearsing firm, dry handshakes with my dad last night.”However, according to Ortalo-Magné, Rinaldi could have been better equipped.“If [Rinaldi] had brought business cards, he would be a senior right now,” he said.
Incoming junior Nick Rinaldi contemptuously looks over his underdressed classmates, many of whom sport sneakers.
Madison-based startup company Squared revealed a cutting-edge innovation Monday which promises to disrupt the automotive industry on a scale unforeseen since Henry Ford unveiled the Model T in 1908. The new wheel is designed to optimize a number of inefficiencies and setbacks in the conventional wheel design, some of which harken back to the advent of the wheel itself in the Neolithic Age.
Peter Pan, permanently age 10, was picked up by police around 3:30 a.m. Saturday outside a U.S. Naval facility in Maryland and charged with first degree criminal trespassing.
In a story that continues to develop amid controversy, local bar owner Ray Blando has been overheard referring to popular hip-hop tracks as “black people music.” Students on the scene report that he continued to say, “Future and Migos bring an atmosphere that, while lit, could bring a far more inclusive party environment to our establishment, and that’s something we are not yet comfortable with.”
The thing is- a really awful thinghappened, but listening to the wayair moves through your lungs as Ilay on your chest makes everythingstill for a moment.I would rather listen to the blood move through your veinsthan do most things.My time is yours even when it’s not.-maybe that’s tragedy; I don’t know.Maybe it’s tragedy to think that Idon’t want to think about what happened;but I do want to remember your lips.And the way they felt on minebefore they were bruised.
Your lips were the color of lilacs whenyou told me we met in the summer I dont remember when you said we fellin love -those were the next lyrics in the songBut i pretended that you said right awayNow i cant look at lilacs anymoreBecause all i see is your lips
This the third and final installment of our ongoing mystery series. In the second installment of “Nowhere,” Hannah runs to Cade’s apartment after Levi says that Cade was not with them when they walked on the lake the night before. While in the apartment, Cade’s voice speaks to her and tells her to find Levi and take him to the lake. Chapter the Third: Now Here ...The call from Cade bursts into static.“Hannah,” I hear his voice again, not over the static, but over the train barreling toward the crossing by Union South.I look across the train tracks. Cade’s standing there, staring at me.“Cade!” I scream, but the train cuts in front of me before I can cross the tracks. When the train passes, he’s gone. What was it he tried to tell me to do? How will I save him? Get Levi, I think, the lake. I cross the tracks, but there’s nothing left of Cade. He’s nowhere. No, what did he say, not nowhere—Now Here. I think of the memory of him sitting in his apartment, how he was there and there again, a loop, stuck in the same moment. The memory wasn’t repeated, it was relived. “Now Here,” I think of him saying. Here. He doesn’t mean a place, he means a time.It’s late, maybe midnight, closer to one. I cross Dayton, cutting through the empty intersections onto Johnson. I’m going back to the lake, back to where Cade went through the ice. I call Levi, it’s late, but I know he’s still awake—he can never sleep when he’s upset. The call rings then is answered with a dull silence and Levi’s tired voice, “Hannah?” he says.“Levi, I know where Cade is,” I say. “He’s in the lake.”“What are you talking about? Did the police say something to—”“No Levi, the police are wrong. He’s trapped in the lake. He was … he still is. We have to help.” I can’t explain completely, but I need Levi to trust me. He doesn’t.“Some of us are trying to help, and I don’t know where you’ve been all day, but it hasn’t been helping Hannah! When the police were asking questions, when the divers were in the lake, while I was there thinking Cade was dead—”“Levi, I need your help—” There’s a long pause over the line. “Cade needs your help.” I say. “Meet me by the lake,” I say with finality and try to hang up.He tries to say my name in clear frustration as the call cuts him off. I turn down Park Street. The yellow police tape flutters slightly in the wind coming off the lake, bright yellow against the dark sheen of the now-open water. Memorial Union Theater remains illuminated. Its four vertical bars casting the shallow water awash in the soft, yellow glow. The lake reflects stray beams of light in oranges, yellows and bright reds. I duck under the police tape and stand at the water’s edge beyond the terrace. I stop and stare out at the water. I don’t know what I’m doing here.I thought that I’d know what to do once I got here, that I would be struck with a revelation, a set of guiding instructions, but I’m not. I’m confused and cold and standing empty-handed with no way to help. I try to suppress the swelling feeling in my stomach that I can’t help and that I had lied to Cade. He trusted me; he had been completely, unflinchingly honest, and I promised more than I could do. I stare at the water. I close my eyes.“Hold on,” I say. It’s what I had said when I saw him looped in my memory, what I had said when I walked him home. And I mean it. “Hold on,” I say again. “Hannah,” Cade says in that distant waterlogged way that I heard him in my memory. I open my eyes and see a figure standing on the end of the Goodspeed pier. The lights of the union behind me flare and flicker then suddenly burst as the figure disappears. Cade. I run to the end of the pier, and stare into the dark water. “Cade!” I say. The wind coming off the lake is stronger. In the deafening howl of it I hear a low, unsteady voice.“Hannah,” I say. I close my eyes. I think I hear a cracking sound: thin ice. I remember the way Cade yelled last night, and then went silent. The dark glare of open water against the thick, white ice. The moment plays over and over in my mind, just like that other memory of Cade, not repeated, re-lived. He’s in a loop of time, the same moment—him falling in the lake—over and over again.“Hannah!” I hear in his distant voice, “Where’s Levi?” I can’t answer. I don’t know, Levi doesn’t trust me like Cade does. I don’t know where Levi is, I don’t know if he is going to come help me. “Need Levi!” Cade’s voice sounds frantic, “Need light!”“I—” I stutter, I don’t know what to say. I remember Cade, face upturned, eyes wide and terrified, fists clenched against the cold and his body slowly marbling a waterlogged blue, gently sinking.“Hannah!” Someone yells. It’s not Cade; it’s Levi. I open my eyes and see him running past the union theater toward the pier. He is here, either because he trusted me or he didn’t, but it doesn’t matter. He’s here.I look back to the water just beyond the pier. There’s a light, white and hazy, somewhere deep below the surface, and Cade’s there. I see him, eyes wide and terrified, in the lake. “Now Here,” I hear Cade say in the wind. I turn to see Levi running down the pier. “Now Here,” Cade says. He means Now. I turn and dive into the frigid water.I swim down toward the white light I saw glowing there. As I get closer, everything’s pulled harder into focus. Cade’s here, floating just as I had seen him before, against the White Wall as he called it. The sound of footsteps crunch on the other side of the barrier, two maybe three sets. I come up beside Cade and press my hand against the barrier; it’s ice. It’s the ice of the lake. Cade’s under the ice and now I am too. The footsteps sound again. “It’s us,” Cade says, “We’re here again. Now here.” When we were on the ice, it was Cade underneath. The pounding above the ice was Cade, and that response, that pounding from beneath, was Cade too. He’s been here stuck in this moment, both sides of the ice, watching the scene play out again and again. Multiple timelines, converging on this event. Maybe that was it, why Levi thought Cade wasn’t on the ice. I was in a timeline where Cade was on the ice, and Levi was in a timeline where Cade was beneath the ice; this moment simultaneously existing in both. From the above side of the ice, Cade and I hear the pounding. We frantically beat on the ice. The other side illuminates; that’s when Levi and I pulled out the flashlights on our phones. We hit the ice more frantically. Need Light, Need Levi. Suddenly, Levi comes up beside us. He must have followed me into the lake, diving and swimming toward us. He presses his hands to the ice, and a burst of white light spreads, enveloping the three of us, then goes suddenly black.Cade, Levi and myself stay in that black moment for what feels like forever, but slowly light starts to edge its way through. First small, shimmering pinpricks, then the signature four vertical bars of light on the union theater and their reflection on the ice. We’re on the ice again, as we were last night, exactly as if all the events of tomorrow haven’t even happened yet. Levi looks baffled, but he understands now. “Cade!” he says. Levi helps him up, then me. He looks urgently around, like he knows something we don’t. “We have to get off the lake,” he says and we take off running, all three of us close together. We hear a cracking sound. Thin ice. Levi knows about it, knows that’s how Cade got trapped in the lake. He grabs Cade’s arm and pulls him sharply back from the edge of the ice, safely keeping him from the open water, safely keeping him from the lake. We look at him in disbelief. This is where the loop is broken; this moment isn’t re-lived because Levi stopped it from ever happening. Levi saved Cade. “Cade wasn’t there.”What are your thoughts on the story? Did you like it? Would you like to see more stories like this in the future? Would you be interested in writing a story or know anyone that would be? Send us an email at email@example.com.
This past week, a large number of UW-Madison students faced multiple daunting midterms, projects and other highly weighted assignments. These students were often overheard saying things like, “You know, I bet my professors all schemed to put my exams in the same week,” and things of that nature. While this may or may not be true, Mother Nature was certainly in on the strategy. Investigations into Father Time’s text message transcripts revealed that Mother Nature did in fact coordinate with UW-Madison professors to maximize the amount of rain and cold the students would have to face during one of the roughest exam periods of the semester. “I don’t really find it very humorous that on the same week I have four exams, Mother Nature decides to bring the temperature down to the upper 30s and makes it rain every day,” said local business student, Tom Beier.This sentiment was shared by many across campus who trudged through the sleet to their midterms and presentations, and a large outcry arose even from those who didn’t have tests to take. Philosophy student Aaron Stoll remarked that he was “pretty sick of not seeing the sun, and would really like Wisconsin to make up its mind and pick a season.”Consequently, a petition was started this past Thursday by students of the Department of Atmospheric and Oceanic Sciences, who have the biggest beef with Mother Nature, and already reached its goal of 1,000 signatures, the benchmark necessary to appear on Chancellor Rebecca Blank’s desk. As it hit the signature requirement, Blank was required to hold a meeting with the university faculty to discuss their scheduling habits.Following Sunday’s meeting, Professor Gary Fieldsman admitted to the collusion. The professor stated, “Of course I agreed to it. We were trying to make the exam environment as competitive as possible, so Mother Nature making the students come into the testing room soaking wet, cold and defeated seemed like a very good way to separate those who could truly focus from those who couldn’t. The curve would be pretty easy that way too.” Away from the microphone, Fieldsman was also recorded saying, “What do I care about the weather anyway? My TAs administer the exam, I can stay home,” and is facing severe social media backlash from these comments.Mother Nature could not be reached for comment.
In a slightly annoyed state Monday night, area-man Luke Bauer reached into his pocket and discovered that, yet again, his Bose earbuds had twisted themselves into an intricate knot.The incident—which really wasn’t a big deal—caused Bauer to sigh heavily and yank on random parts of the wire.“The entire sight was pretty relatable,” said local witness George Hartin. “I’ve been there, and lemme tell ya, it ever so slightly makes your day worse.”Bauer untangled the knot in the amount of time one might expect when doing this type of activity, but discovered one of the little rubber headphone covers was missing.The Bose “FreeStyle” earbuds advertise “tangle-free” technology or your money back. This imperceptibly annoyed man might take that offer, or he may not, since the whole ordeal really wasn’t that much of an inconvenience.After the headphone cord was de-coiled, a slightly brightening Bauer flipped through his array of cringey 90s rock and settled on Nickelback—a classic for the now-cheery man.“There really is nothing better than listening to Chad Kroeger’s raspy voice after an experience like reaching into your pocket and finding a mangled mess of wires,” Bauer said.Bauer was later seen taping part of the wire that had become frayed, causing the previously happy man to become even more ticked off at the small, annoying things in his otherwise amazing life.
It may soon be legal to hunt big game from helicopters as a result of the recent Senate overturn of Obama-era hunting restrictions on national wildlife refuges in Alaska. If President Donald Trump signs the bill, the proposal will become a law.In recent days the Alaska Fish and Game service has confiscated shipments of anti-helicopter homing missiles destined for bear preserves, raising the stakes for an aerial confrontation between recreational hunters in the air and native Alaskan grizzly bears on the ground. “The bear population has a right to defend itself,” a masked insurgent said, in a grainy video posted to the media-sharing site LiveLeak. “And we claim full responsibility for supplying the bears with these tools of liberation.” Evolutionary biologists have hailed the new action as a forward-thinking move to counter the rapidly evolving field of speciation. If the grizzlies can fight back against airborne hunters, the naturalists suggest the field will be more evenly matched—and more conducive to biological natural selection. “If you need an aerial advantage and a semi-automatic firearm to kill an animal, you really shouldn’t be calling yourself a hunter,” Dick Cheney said. “Thankfully, in a helicopter, all of the hunting buddies will be condensed in one place, which reduces the risk of accidents.” The Fish and Game service has ordered parts of the parks to be sealed off where bears have been sighted, as the machinery poses a threat even though it is unlikely that the bears have figured out how to operate the homing launchers.“Tourism revenues have soared,” a parks department official said. “We tried confiscating the new weaponry, but, well ... they’re bears, so we couldn’t. So we’re just counting on the probability that the bears won’t be able to figure out how to bring down the helicopters when the hunters arrive.” Analysts have speculated that the surge in tourism revenues is correlated with the arrival of the missile launchers in Alaska. The tourists, they predict, will be expecting to see at least one aerial confrontation between the native wildlife and helicopter-mounted hunters this calendar year.“If we don’t see at least one matchup, we’ll be disappointed,” a teenage tourist, wearing a Memphis Grizzlies jersey, said at Alaska’s Anchorage International Airport. “We’re for the bears all the way.”
That’s all she wroteI’m looking at you and thinking about how the penThat pen thereThat you have in your mouthWill be wetNowFrom the moisture on your tongueAnd that penThat pen right thereWill also be hotWith eachHeavy breath that you exhaleAnd that penYeah baby that WetPen you have in your mouthRight There-Will have bite marks on itWhere you’ve clenched your jaw and bitten downWith each crescendo of your lungsAs air touches your wet lipsAnd your eyes blink like forbidden fruit-- ughh honey your mouth could write the sweetest poetryThat penThat pen thereSigns my life away