(04/13/17 11:20am)
This past week, a large number of UW-Madison students faced multiple daunting midterms, projects and other highly weighted assignments. These students were often overheard saying things like, “You know, I bet my professors all schemed to put my exams in the same week,” and things of that nature. While this may or may not be true, Mother Nature was certainly in on the strategy. Investigations into Father Time’s text message transcripts revealed that Mother Nature did in fact coordinate with UW-Madison professors to maximize the amount of rain and cold the students would have to face during one of the roughest exam periods of the semester. “I don’t really find it very humorous that on the same week I have four exams, Mother Nature decides to bring the temperature down to the upper 30s and makes it rain every day,” said local business student, Tom Beier.This sentiment was shared by many across campus who trudged through the sleet to their midterms and presentations, and a large outcry arose even from those who didn’t have tests to take. Philosophy student Aaron Stoll remarked that he was “pretty sick of not seeing the sun, and would really like Wisconsin to make up its mind and pick a season.”Consequently, a petition was started this past Thursday by students of the Department of Atmospheric and Oceanic Sciences, who have the biggest beef with Mother Nature, and already reached its goal of 1,000 signatures, the benchmark necessary to appear on Chancellor Rebecca Blank’s desk. As it hit the signature requirement, Blank was required to hold a meeting with the university faculty to discuss their scheduling habits.Following Sunday’s meeting, Professor Gary Fieldsman admitted to the collusion. The professor stated, “Of course I agreed to it. We were trying to make the exam environment as competitive as possible, so Mother Nature making the students come into the testing room soaking wet, cold and defeated seemed like a very good way to separate those who could truly focus from those who couldn’t. The curve would be pretty easy that way too.” Away from the microphone, Fieldsman was also recorded saying, “What do I care about the weather anyway? My TAs administer the exam, I can stay home,” and is facing severe social media backlash from these comments.Mother Nature could not be reached for comment.
(02/09/17 12:00pm)
On Tuesday, freshman chemistry student Henry Fischer submitted his most recent exam to be regraded, asserting that his answers were not in fact wrong, but were “alternatively orrect.” During the exam, which took place on Monday a week prior, Fischer discovered that his high school study tactic of spending the majority of his waking hours watching Netflix, and not studying until the night before, had not prepared him to adequately answer questions regarding stoichiometry or the ideal gas law. However, he was still under the belief that his peers “totally did just as bad,” which Fischer thought to himself on his walk back to Sullivan Residence Hall. Thus he convinced himself that every other student had put the same amount of effort toward the exam as he had. It was therefore to Fischer’s surprise that upon opening his Learn@UW account the following Saturday, he discovered a grade of 31 percent and had in fact failed.Believing the score to be “total crap,” Fischer celebrated his perceived success by watching the entirety of “The Office’s” fifth season in one sitting, during which he received a phone call from his mother, Beverly, and affirmed to her that he had done “Fine.” However, when the exams were distributed in his Tuesday discussion, he could not believe that his TA had not altered their grading error and ultimately presented him with his 31 percent exam. It was even more to his dismay that when asked, “When will the retake be?”, his TA informed the class that there was no such thing. Still believing himself to have been cheated, Fischer made the conclusion that it was not his answers that were wrong, but the questions themselves.At the end of his class, Fischer spoke with his TA about his conclusion, and when shrugged off, walked around the Chemistry Building, moving up the chain of command until he “met” with a department faculty member. The faculty member, who wished to remain anonymous, exclaimed their disbelief that someone could be “So far removed from reality as to believe the exam questions were not written in a way that would cover the answers he intended to give.” Such answers include “2,” which instead of being an answer to a question regarding the molar mass of Argon, Fischer attributed to the question, “What Lecture are you in?” While a verdict has yet to be reached, the precedent surrounding the cases of the “Alt-Write” Organization (English majors who believe their essays contained Alternative English, as opposed to grammatical errors) does not bode well for Fischer.