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Friday, February 23, 2024
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 Screenshot courtesy of SexyHappyCouple via OnlyFans

A tasteful review of former UW-La Crosse Chancellor Joe Gow’s erotic escapades

Former University of Wisconsin-La Crosse Chancellor Joe Gow was recently fired by the Board of Regents for creating homemade pornographic videos with his wife, Carmen Wilson. The question remains: are the videos actually worth viewing?

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

The University of Wisconsin-La Crosse’s well-endowed former Chancellor Joe Gow faced fire for his personal hobbies, but a deeper dive shows that our erotic educator is a lustful labellum whisked away by a unilaterally uptight university system.

After the discovery of his pornographic channel with his wife, Gow and Carmen Wilson came under the public eye for keeping the spark in their marriage alive and continuously exploring their bodies in their golden years. But before the UW System Board of Regents took the time to really understand the erotic escapades of the concupiscent couple, Gow was erroneously ejected from his position as chancellor. 

Luckily, The Beet is willing to do what the Board of Regents wouldn’t and the cowardly other media outlets refused: subscribing to their OnlyFans and spending $35 to watch hours of Gow’s porn. 

Read the Cardinal’s tasteful, fair review of Gow’s career as a promising porn actor creatively stifled by educational bureaucracy.

Passionate pounding

The “Sexy Happy Couple” brings romance back in the bedroom and kitchen with thoughtfulness and care in their scenes. The production quality is much higher than most would expect from amateur porn, but the salary of a chancellor and a professor goes a long way to create a quality studio environment.

Scenes are often split between their two romantic ventures of the “Sexy Happy Couple” and “Sexy Healthy Cooking.” The scenes often involve a third, famous porn actor, but what captures the essences of sexual exploration of the Gows comes from their individual scenes.

“Bedroom Shenanigans” best exemplifies Gow and Wilson’s pornographic pursuit. In the scene, Gow and Wilson share their “whole story” as they called it, and give a recipe for a vegan Philly cheesesteak sandwich inspired by Joe’s time in Pennsylvania. Gow and Wilson lead a plant-based, vegan lifestyle that fuels their furious fornicating.

The recipe looked appetizing. As someone who has been vegetarian on and off most of my life, I always appreciate a solid recipe that helps provide an alternative to consuming meat. The recipe calls for the use of pressed extra firm tofu, mushroom powder, onion powder, ground thyme, olive oil, tamari, a vegan Worcester sauce, browning liquid and food coloring to give it a more steak-like appearance, and a cup of water makes up the flavor before adding it to seitan.

But no one is particularly interested in the cooking segment.

In “Bedroom Shenanigans,” the plot is simple yet realistic. In the scene, Gow and Wilson come back from a nondescript reception. Joe pours a bottle of white wine for the two as they discuss issues with a company — parroting recruitment directives of university leadership. The two express their discontent with relationships with friends, work and why they hastily left the reception. The plot quickly progresses as Carmen tells Joe she has “something special under her dress,” and he takes one of his “special vitamins” before the two head toward the bedroom.

It's powerful to see a man admit to erectile issues and take a pill to rectify that on camera. Male performance issues in the bedroom often intimidate men, but taking a moment to verbally state needing to take a pill and actually taking it on camera is a bold move to promote the growing awareness of men’s sexual health.

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In the bedroom, the two engage in some mutual nipple play and light dirty talk before getting down to business. The scenes and positions are nothing special — a lot of missionary and doggystyle — but the end of “Bedroom Shenanigans” leaves the viewer shocked.

The money shot happens on Wilson’s stomach. Gow then immediately licks it from her body before kissing her with his now semen-soaked tongue. I don’t think that’s vegan.

The evolution of love

Our key takeaways from Gow and Wilson can be boiled down to: I should go vegetarian again, and sexual exploration in marriage is important. We often hear of stagnant sexual relationships from couples well into their marriage, but Joe and Carmen are 10 years into it after coming off previous divorces.

Keeping the spark alive is something many struggle with. Attraction wanes, and couples need to constantly find new ways to keep the romance alive. The respect for each of their sexual desires through a fostered mutual understanding for a lifestyle many find to be deviant is exemplary of how to maintain a healthy relationship.

The Board of Regents could take a few pointers from Gow and Wilson on how to grow a positive, healthy sexual relationship.

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