[Disclaimer: The Daily Cardinal does not condone illegal gambling.]
It’s election season, and that means one thing: everybody is gonna be upset for a while. Whether you’re upset that Biden is too centrist or if you’re incensed that nobody is taking Kanye seriously and your friends yelled at you for voting for him, there’s some anger for everyone.
But you know what everyone likes? Money. So why not try to bring some joy to everyone’s least favorite season?
Plenty of sportsbooks — that operate in states like New Jersey or Nevada (also maybe Delaware?) –– offer odds on state-by-state results of the elections. If you manage to call an upset (from within the state of New Jersey or Nevada), you could earn yourself a pretty penny (hypothetically).
Now that we should be covered legally, here’s some of the best bets you could make from the desk designed to know the least about politics.
All odds come from Bwin, an Austrian betting company that once sponsored European soccer giants Real Madrid. See, it’s reputable!
Georgia: Republicans -167, Democrats +120
It has been a Republican stronghold for decades now, but nobody blows massive leads like the state of Georgia.
Texas: Republicans -334, Democrats +225
Jason Alexander and some of the Seinfeld cast did a virtual fundraiser to raise money for Democrats in Texas. There’s been talk of turning Texas blue this year, but when was the last time George Costanza did anything right?
Ohio: Republicans -200, Democrats +150
Cleveland stinks so bad Ohioans just want the river to burn it down for good, and Trump is the candidate most likely to do that. Even if Joe Burrow tried to campaign for the Democrats in Cincinnati, Republicans could send a single rusher who played in high school to get through the Bengals o-line and stop him.
Wyoming: Republicans -5000, Democrats +1200
“Joe, you forgot to pick a winner!”
Nope. Kanye is taking Wyoming.
Hear me out: If Kanye West was campaigning in Wyoming, would you know? No, you wouldn’t. He could be sneak-campaigning and nobody in the country would have a clue. Who’s gonna snitch? The wolves in Yellowstone? The wind? Dave Chapelle?
Florida: Republicans -115, Democrats -110
North Florida is going to flip blue since Florida State’s football team and the Jacksonville Jaguars could use a redistribution of wealth across their conferences. Orlando won’t be able to shake the influence of 300 basketball players, Stan Van Gundy and bleeding-heart liberal Adam Silver (according to every Twitter account with an American flag in the bio), so that’ll go for the Dems.
The electoral map of Florida will ultimately leave you confused, with questions like, “how did Biden win that county?” or, “why is Miami football still in the top 25 after getting clobbered by Clemson?”
Michigan: Republicans +200, Democrats -286
Jim Harbaugh strikes me as a conservative, and the countless press endorsements of Joe Biden is equivalent to being ranked top ten in the AP Poll. Therefore, it should be an easy win for the Dems based on Khaki Jim’s track record against teams that actually know what they’re doing.
Arizona: Republicans +130, Democrats -182
Arizona Cardinals star receiver DeAndre Hopkins allegedly flipped off a caravan of Trump supporters from his Ferrari. I am assuming this converted all Trump supporters to believers in Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, because if an All-Pro receiver flips you off from a Ferrari you have to reevaluate your life.
Pennsylvania: Republicans +200, Democrats -286
Philadelphians in particular can be a little too patient when it comes to “trusting the process.” Let’s see what he can do with four more years, they’ll say. They also like Mike Pence, since a second-leading scorer who can’t do the one thing he’s supposed to do is familiar to Sixers fans.
Wisconsin: Republicans +225, Democrats -304
Wisconsin quarterback Graham Mertz’s COVID-19 diagnosis could be the one thing to make Wisconsinites actually give a damn about the pandemic. Scons across the state will now rally for universal masks and New York in March-esque closures as long as it means their hero is safe, healthy and ready to throw another four touchdowns in a conference game. Any politician who isn’t in favor of masks after this will be shunned as an Anti-Badger and condemned to the Dark Place — northern Minnesota.