almanac

Trump befriends 'Beautiful Ted' Cruz, bromance to ensure total governmental control

New bros embrace as a shocked onlooker realizes the country’s impending doom.

Image By: Image Courtesy of Savannah McHugh

As Election Day approaches, President Donald Trump has been seen on the campaign trail, endorsing various like-minded right-wing candidates across the country. His goal? To give more time to candidates than former President Barack Obama did in 2010. After all, his painstakingly competitive nature remains necessary in order to maintain a total disregard for any bipartisan roles he might be expected to fulfill as the representative of an entire country. It may be that the common conspiracy is true: The first of Trump’s “ten commandments” as president is to solidify a republican majority, or, in his own terms, to push out the “angry, ruthless, unhinged mob” that is the democratic party.

In the hopes of achieving this call of duty, Trump thought to describe his unconventional friendship with Texas senate nominee, Ted Cruz, as a way to sway voters: Despite their rivalry during the 2016 presidential election, Trump recently confirmed that they had buried the hatchet by ardently admitting: “I actually like him a lot.” 

In order to further prove their friendship, Trump shared a short montage detailing the bonding experiences they have gained through disproportionately favoring the rich and making it systematically easier for corporations to exploit the deteriorating environment: “We have done great on tax cuts and regulation cuts… yeah, he’s been pretty terrific.” 

Just in case that wasn’t enough to communicate the strength of their newfound fraternity, Trump made clear that he no longer reduced Cruz to the sorry name of “lyin’ Ted.” In fact, it seems that Cruz had been promoted to a new pet name: “Beautiful Ted.” Trump even flaunted a second new and improved nickname when he casually referred to Cruz as “Texas Ted.” This affection only further demonstrated a deep fondness for his new ally.

Never straying far from his tendency to discredit his opponents sans proof or reason, Trump didn’t neglect to express his disapproval of the opposing Texas senate nominee, Beto O’Rourke, by briefly addressing his existence as a “highly overrated guy.” 

Perhaps the growing camaraderie between Trump and “Beautiful Ted” will be functional in his agenda to gain majority control of the government. By showcasing their bromance as one everyone should want to join, their plutocratic influence could soon take responsibility for all of the U.S. government if voters aren’t careful. 

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