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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, May 08, 2021
Designs teased by UO reveal an even more archaic concept than expected.

Designs teased by UO reveal an even more archaic concept than expected.

Urban Outfitters unveils new line of brand-exclusive 18th century phonographs

All articles featured in Almanac are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Urban Outfitters made an exciting announcement over the weekend, gaining the attention of hipsters across the world. The brand has secured an exclusive phonograph patent, allowing them to manufacture their own 19th century phonograph replicas to sell in stores.

The “new” models are expected to include a crank-to-start mechanism accompanied by the paint-curling brassy shrill that screams forth from the horn when the crank-arm’s rotation speed reaches an appropriate velocity for quality sound projection. 

Urban Outfitters is planning to offer a protection plan for the phonograph that includes one complete wallpaper and glassware replacement for occasions when the 18th century metallic drone inevitably causes every customer’s wine glasses to shatter and wallpaper to peel away in distress.

“Retrophones are assembled by hand in an unspecifically located log cabin somewhere in northern Oregon,” said a representative of Urban Outfitters on Saturday about the product, calling it by its officially licensed name. “We only employ people with beards and ethically-sourced man buns. The wood we use to assemble the phonographs is a certified-organic styrofoam-balsa blend. We guarantee that all of our products are made with only the shittiest materials so we can rip off our customers with maximum efficiency.”

Retrophones are expected to go on sale sometime before this holiday season — just in time for trendy, rich people everywhere to buy them for their older teenage children. 

They will be operable by crank-power only and music will be available to purchase in the wax cylinder format three to six months after the Retrophone’s official release. 

Both the Retrophone itself and each individual wax cylinder will be available for the predictably unreasonable price of $399.99 a piece.

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