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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, May 08, 2021

Trump plans to host all press conferences regarding Mueller probe from 'Chili's'

All articles featured in Almanac are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

In a statement last Friday released by the White House, President Trump plans to host all future press conferences regarding Special Counsel Robert Mueller and the trial of Paul Manafort from his local Chili’s restaurant. This is part of a series of last-ditch efforts by the Trump administration to appeal to younger voters as primaries loom on the horizon.


“It’s part of our new ‘Netflix and Chill’ initiative, a multi-step plan we’ll implement over 45 days,” Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said at approximately 4:15 last Friday evening from her podium, clad in her favorite local college hoodie and Lululemon leggings.


“It’s a 45 day plan, with 45 points, one point per day plan. President Trump plans to boost the morale of the office by taking them to Chili’s every once in a while. It’s the new golf course. Business gets done at Chili’s.”


Sanders further explained the plan’s purpose is to change the administration’s behavior slightly over a period of time so they can appeal more to younger generations of voters who can’t afford cable and prefer Wi-Fi anyway because it’s literally so much faster anyway.


This is the latest and most well-researched attempt the administration has made so far to become more appealing to voters in their early-to-late-20s. The nomenclature alone is  the administration’s most desperate attempt to date, let alone Sander’s announcement of Casual Fridays being mandatory for all administration staff as being a condition of the plan.


“The only way we could get the entire administration to agree with this plan was if we rewarded everyone with free Netflix subscriptions for their compliance, courtesy of the American taxpayer,” Sanders responded when asked how the hell anyone could be stupid enough to think this plan would actually work. “We’re not very good at keeping promises so there’s probably a good chance we’ll abandon this plan, anyway. But we’re keeping the Netflix.”

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