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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Sunday, March 03, 2024

U-Haul requiring pre-pre-registration if you even 'hope' to get a moving truck

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

“Yup, it’s true,” said U-Haul representative Hank Van Box on Sunday morning. “The company now wants people to pre-order the secret link that is emailed out for movers to pre-register for the launch of the registration site for 2019’s moving week. If you want a truck in the greater Midwest area, that is.”

Following the ever-growing demand for moving trucks in the unreasonably planned mid-August circle of Hell that is moving week in Madison, moving experts U-Haul have announced their plans to make renting a truck already more complicated and stressful than it already was.

Reports say they spent a ridiculous amount of money on building a new rental registration website that opens a year in advance, so movers will now have to reserve trucks a year ahead if they hope to move. In addition to joining U-Haul’s junk-mailing list in order to received the secret website’s access code for its midnight launch next week, hopeful movers will have to bring proof of insurance, birth certificates, bank account information and elementary school report cards from second to fourth grade.

“Why not fifth grade too, you ask?” Van Box responded to Cardinal correspondents on Sunday afternoon. “Everyone knows nobody gives a shit by the fifth grade. The second through the fourth grade report cards allow us to see that this young adult is going to know how to flawlessly drive a 16 footer their very first time. It’s science.”

When further questioned about the things needed to successfully rent a truck during one of the most historically and notoriously busy weeks in south-central Wisconsin, the representative had this to say.

“Even if you have all the required-yet-impossible-to-obtain documents, we still don’t really know if you’ll get a truck on moving day. When we have more reservations than trucks, we usually just pull names out of a hat instead of getting more trucks. It’s the logical thing to do.”

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What else could this inefficient, poorly-prepared moving monopoly do to possibly make the process any more grueling than it already is? Only time (and moving week) will tell.

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