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Jonas Brothers Rescind and Rewrite Their Hit Song “Year 3000” to Boost Morale

It is no secret that pop culture has been slowly infiltrating the political field, with attacks against LeBron James, varying advocacy from celebrities such as Emma Watson and Lady Gaga, and intentionally antagonizing the President via Chrissy Teigen's Twitter, but a staggering blow to the separation of work and play was made when the mid-to-late 2000s pop band, the Jonas Brothers, made a brave symbolic move last Thursday.


The trio of previously disbanded musically-inclined brothers asked that their hit song, “Year 3000” be removed from all music platforms and replaced with their new number, “Year 2019”. While the bop is significantly less catchy, it is incredibly politically relevant, calling for their neighbor Peter to build rehabilitation centers in prisons rather than a time machine, our ozone layer to be “doing fine” rather than their great, great, great granddaughter, and for the purchase of reusable straws to become mainstream rather than their seventh album.


The ballad also sacrificed becoming “multi-platinum” to touch on themes such as the racial income gap, intersectional feminism, lack of voting in congressional primaries and being a proper ally to the LGBTQ+ community.


When asked to comment on their favorite change to the lyrics, Nick Jonas, the undisputed cutest member, went on a 45-minute tear-ridden rant that their claims that the world will be underwater in a mere 982 years was a “wildly irresponsible” and “insensitive” statement considering the unprecedented human induced flooding because of climate change.


“HOW DO YOU THINK THE TORRES STRAIT ISLANDS FELT WHEN WE CHEERILY SANG THAT? HAVE YOU EVER EVEN HEARD OF THEM?” he shrieked as he paced across the vinyl floors (which produced harmful carcinogenic bioaccumulative toxins during their manufacture).


The deeply troubled golden boy of Disney’s heyday had to be coaxed out of the interview, and eventually was calmed down by his fiancée, Priyanka Chopra.


While the world will forever be mourning the loss of the original hit song, we should view this also as the loss of our childhood, urging us to resist the temptation of negligence and at last enact a change.

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