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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Thursday, March 28, 2024

Smelliest student on your floor takes first shower of the semester

All articles featured in The Beet are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

One of the most noteworthy developments of the last week is the smelliest kid on your floor has finally succumbed to his own stench and decided to take a shower for the first time this semester.

Greg or Tony or Chris or whatever his name is (you don’t know, his body odor is too strong to bother with learning his name) is a running joke. Nicknamed “Basura Boy” by Rapha, the only Spanish speaker on your floor, everyone you know seems to agree on one thing: “That sack of old egg salad needs to take a shower,” says your RA.

Last semester he only took “four showers,” according to his roommate. “I can think of four times where he went to the bathroom to shower.”

Much to his roommates’ distress, the fact that he only showered four times last semester significantly impacted both of their abilities to meet people on the floor as the stench coming from their room was strong enough that everyone on the floor avoided it at all costs.

As “Basura Boy” came out of the bathroom, he was met with applause by everyone on the floor, lining a path to his room and cheering for him.

Since it was now safe to approach, the smelliest kid was asked what prompted his decision to clean himself up.

“Well, at first I thought it was pretty cool because in class no one would sit near me so I had a lot of space to stretch out,” he said standing in his towel outside the bathroom. “I realized it was becoming a problem when my TA passed out when I asked for help on an assignment.”

When asked if that was when he decided to shower, he answered “No, that was about a week ago. I decided today because my roommate has been sleeping in the den for our floor, and I decided while it’s nice to have the room to myself, six nights of that is a little mean.”

When questioned about their thoughts on the situation, the girls who live in the room next to his had this to say: “We’re so happy he’s finally showered, the smell was starting to creep into our room.”

“Yeah,” the other interjected, “we’re pretty sure he hasn’t done laundry ever so his clothes are all just festering in the corner.”

Asked if his hygiene habits were a problem for the building’s staff, your RA responded with a resounding “YES.”

“The carpet at that end of the hallway hasn’t been vacuumed in weeks because the custodians don’t want to go down there. I have RAs from the floors above and below asking me to do something about it, and I can’t make myself head down without feeling woozy."

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