Trump’s visit rekindles international flame in China

Due to a past of neglecting every “Jane” that was supposed to be a “John” and allegations of Fido being the main course for lunch every Thursday, China has transitioned to being a country based solely off love, acceptance, and forgiveness. 

The country’s new policy was enacted recently when the President of the United States, Donald Trump, left for his visit to this Asian country. Despite President Trump’s recent claims that China committed the “greatest theft in the history of the world,” is “raping our country” and that their M.O. is to “lie, cheat, and steal in all international dealings,” Xi Jinping welcomed him with open arms. “I respect Trump,” he said, teary-eyed before the President’s private jet landed in Beijing. “He is really just a genuine guy. I wish I was as great of a leader as he is. My people don’t idolize me like that.”

China’s president gained his composure as Trump’s plane landed, sneakily hiding his “I <3 Trump” button before their encounter. The two leaders embraced for what seemed to have been slightly too long, and then embarked on their parade through the city to their meeting place. The streets were flooded with children waving “I <3 Trump!” flags and chants of excitement filled the air. The two leaders smiled and made jokes, of which some jealous officials believe to have been innuendos, as they rode through the city. 

Upon arrival at the capitol building, journalists and cameramen had doors closed on them, as a press release determined that “these two need their time to discuss very pressing matters.” While the destruction of opioids and dwindling trade were on the agenda for this meeting, an insider source offers that in reality, the leaders spent much of their time gossiping, making friendship bracelets, and creating a joint “finsta” page.

While the visit still continues, Trump assured the masses, via an abroad press conference, that “all is well in China. We are very focused on rebuilding the relationship with our ally and valuable trading partner China in combating all things un-American.” The startlingly brief press conference was ended with Xi Jinping, who he thought was whispering, “Don, hurry up!” Don’t tell Putin!

Almanac is our home for satire, sex, creative writing and much more. Satirical articles are intended as such.

Comments powered by Disqus

Please note All comments are eligible for publication in The Daily Cardinal.