As hemorrhoids awareness month begins, Badgers protest thin campus toilet paper

A glimpse of UW-Madison’s toilet paper atrocity. It is plentiful in supply, but low in number of plies.

A glimpse of UW-Madison’s toilet paper atrocity. It is plentiful in supply, but low in number of plies.

Image By: Courtesy of Creative Commons

Now that November—also known as hemorrhoids awareness month—has begun, thousands of UW-Madison students took to the streets in protest of rigid policy stocking university buildings with one-ply toilet paper.

While the university has attempted to sweep the issue under the rug, Badgers have refused to take no for an answer and the issue has begun to develop a national following. Even has recognized the students’ plight, ranking UW-Madison “the number one school for students who are into ass rashes,” ahead of last year’s number one, St. Olaf.

When the switch from Cottonelle to generic toilet paper occured in 1998, beloved Dean of Students Tommy Preston resigned, stating, “This decision, I believe, will one day be seen as one of the most damning events in the history of this once-great university.”

Preston’s comments proved prescient, as UW-Madison health released a study early September hypothesizing that upwards of 60 percent of UW-Madison students currently have hemorrhoids.

While reform has sputtered and stalled in the past, senior Taylor Powell believes this year will be different, citing current national trends.

“If you look around the country, just this past year Ohio State, Michigan State and UCLA have all made the switch to two-ply. If UW-Madison wants to remain a top university, it needs to make changes fast,” Powell said. “While it’s too late for my butt to ever find happiness, I want to make sure that incoming students will never be subjected to my experiences.”

While optimism is high, the university has remained firm, releasing an official statement declaring, “Two-ply toilet paper is a privilege, not a right. Part of being away from home for the first time involves adapting to new situations. Hemorrhoids have been a part of the Badger experience for many years, and we hope to see this trend continued in the future.”

As UW-Madison students and officials remain firm in their stances, it’s anyone’s guess as to what the future holds.

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