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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Thursday, March 28, 2024
Human Milk

Gordon Commons to begin serving human breast milk

In what is shaping up to be a controversial move, UW-Madison dining facility Gordon Commons announced Tuesday that they have decided to sell bottled human breast milk in the cafeteria.

The liquid mammory gland secretion is set to hit shelves next week. The human milk will be sold by the single unit in the refrigerated section and will not replace the large selection of bovine-produced breast milk that they already sell.

“Based on our focus group research, we have gathered that there is indeed consderable demand for human milk, especially among homesick freshmen,” UW-Dining spokesperson David Klancher said.

According to the university, the idea was proposed six years ago. It could not be put into place until it was approved by a vote from the Board of Regents and the proper equipment was aquired.

The announcement has been met with excitement from some and disapproval from others.

“I haven’t had human breast milk in, what, like 17 years?” freshman Jordan Tofallis told Cardinal reporters. “It will be a nice throwback.”

“Not a chance I’m drinking any of that gross shit,” freshman Peter Ehrendorfer said.

Many opponents to selling human milk have expressed concern that the breasts providing the milk will be supplying nonconsensually. However, the university assured reporters that all of the producers will be providing voluntarily.

“All of our human producers have been hired at their own will,” Babcock Hall Director Ethel Donovan told the Cardinal. “Not only do their contracts provide full disclosure of what will occur in the workplace, but we are paying a competitve wage—double what the average dairy cow makes.”

At press time, the university has not announced plans to expand sales to any of the other dining facilities. The milk will come in skim and whole varieties and will cost housing residents $2.29 per bottle.

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