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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Friday, May 17, 2024
Matt Johnson

Area man's repeated animalistic catcalls result in hot date

This Wednesday, Matt Johnson of Madison proved the effectiveness of his catcalls when courting women. Johnson spent his afternoon meowing on State Street attempting to attract a female using his courting prowess; after just a few hours, one woman accepted his advances.

“Some ladies like to hear a subtle purr, while others favor a lion’s roar,” Johnson explained. “It’s really just dependent on the woman, sometimes you can tell what she’s into by what she is wearing, like cheetah print, for example.”

Johnson’s catcalls are a sample of how men across the state are adapting to the new dating terrain. Challenged by women’s increasing resistance to these mating calls, and by other men’s developments of more realistic calls, men are having to improve their catcall quality. This means that women can expect an increase of competition and demand from suitors.

In the past, Johnson has experimented with different tactics that would set him apart from other possible mates.

“Often, filling the pockets of a trench coat with catnip can make you irresistible to women,” Johnson told reporters. However, this time he used more traditional catcalling methods, stating that it was effective because, “she’s just a classy woman, I suppose.”

Johnson revealed to reporters his plans to attend the Broadway musical “Cats” with the woman he successfully courted.

“I’m thinking about getting her a present,” Johnson claimed. “Maybe I’ll kill a bird for her and set it on her doorstep, I’m still working out the details.”

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