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Thursday, May 26, 2022

Predictions fly as Game of Thrones’ begins fifth season

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, the moment we’ve—or at least I’ve—been waiting for all semester has finally almost arrived. The world is three days from the premiere of the fifth season of “Game of Thrones.” Because I am very excited, I thought it might be useful to go through what we may expect from this season and what I, an accursed book reader, want from what has the potential the best season yet. 

It would probably be best to start with where we left off last season. This will obviously include spoilers, so if you spent the last year under a rock, or if for some misguided reason are only watching season four now, stop reading immediately. Obviously, the real cliff-hanger of season four is whatever’s going on with Rickon Stark. Just kidding—let’s talk Tyrion. When we left our little lion, he had just shot a crossbow bolt into his dad’s gut while Tywin Lannister was doing a number two. As a result, it’s probably safe to assume that he’s no longer safe in King’s Landing—not that anyone is really safe in King’s Landing. We know Arya is finally hopping a ship out of Westeros after the sad conclusion of her extended hiking trip with The Hound, and Jon is pouting up north after Stannis Baratheon saved both his bacon and the Wall. Finally, Daenerys is chilling in Essos, happily oblivious to what’s happening in Westeros, and slowly driving everyone mad with the whole anti-slavery crusade. As for everyone else, well, re-watch the show if you really don’t remember.  

It should also be mentioned that the showrunners have now come out and said that the series will start changing the source material and kill characters in the show that will not be killed in the books. This sucks, and it’s presumably because George R.R. Martin can’t finish the next goddamn book already—we love you George, but it’s past time—and they’ll start spoiling what actually happens in the books at the rate they’re going. It also creates a fascinating dynamic in that nothing even remotely like this has ever happened before. Most adaptions start after the conclusion of the series is done—it would be like if they had started making Harry Potter movies after “The Goblet of Fire.” However, for the purposes of this column, it’s pretty great, because when I now write about what I want to happen next I could actually be right. So, without further ado, here are my season predictions coupled with what I actually want to happen. Keep in mind that, as a book reader, my predictions have some basis to them. So, pay attention. 

Prediction: Brienne of Tarth does a lot of walking. At the end of last season, Brienne found Arya but couldn’t find Sansa. So, isn’t it likely that she does a lot more of what she did that season? Keep walking until she walks all the way to the Vale? 

What I want to happen: Brienne of Tarth takes Lady Stoneheart’s place in the show: For those who don’t know, Lady Stoneheart is Catelyn Stark’s re-animated corpse. She’s pretty great/terrifying. And since she’s not going to be in the show, wouldn’t it be great for Brienne to take her spot as a roaming mercenary woman intent on bringing justice to a broken land? Oh, and did I mention that Podrick and his ginormous member are also there? Yeah. This would be good.

Prediction: Daenerys stays out of Westeros. Ugh. It’s like, just let her go already! It’ll be at least two seasons yet. Calling it now. 

What I want to happen: The Khaleesi goes to King’s Landing. She has dragons now, and the constant power struggles have left the Seven Kingdoms weak. No time like the present to do a little conquering. 

Bonus prediction: No one even mentions Valyria. For the uninitiated, Valyria is where the Targaryens are originally from, and it used to be the most powerful nation in the world. Then, something happened, and now the whole place is like Mordor, if Mordor killed you just for setting foot inside it. But, even though it’s secretly the coolest place on the map, nobody will talk about it because it’s not important to the plot. 

What I want to happen: Tyrion goes to Valyria and meets a new character played by Kurt Russell, spawning a bunch of “Big Trouble in Little Valyria” jokes. That one pretty much explains itself. 

Excited for “Game of Thrones?” What are your predictions for the new season? Let Jake know at

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