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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Wednesday, November 30, 2022

Owner certain dog was jerking off all day

From the dog’s body language and facial expressions, 31-year-old Madison woman Erika Scanlan was able to discern without reasonable doubt that her two-year-old puppy had been masturbating while she was away at work Tuesday.

Willy, an “obnoxiously horny” cocker spaniel, approached Scanlan in a state that made it overwhelmingly obvious to his owner that he had been vigorously beating his meat during her absence.

“Willy came up to me as soon as I opened the front door with this total half-assed grin across his face,” Scanlon said. “He was wagging his tail and licking me as if everything was normal. But I knew something was up. It just felt too suspicious.”

Scanlan had been distrustful of Willy’s daily activities while she was gone since he began to spend considerably less time dry-humping her daughter’s stuffed Bert and Ernie dolls about two months ago. However, she was never able to fully confirm her suspicions until this week.

“Willy seems way less interested in B and E than he used to be, plus the house has had a more pungent flavor of stank to it over the last few days,” Scanlan told The Daily Cardinal. “So, I’ve been sniffing around his business and trying to catch him red-pawed.”

Scanlan, an occasional masturbator by her own admission, says she does not condone Willy’s actions.

“I don’t feel that I have the moral authority to say Willy shouldn’t spank his monkey since I flick my bean every once in while,” Scanlan explained. “But I’d really prefer it if he didn’t do it in the house. I’ve never found his dog jizz anywhere but I’m sure it isn’t easy to clean up.”

Dylan does live tweeting of pet investigative journalism at

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