Dick Vitale now wearing own ‘Dandy Diaper’ due to age
ESPN College Basketball analyst Dick VitaleImage By: Courtesy of Creative Commons
In a decision made mostly by family members, ESPN college basketball analyst and personality Dick Vitale has begun wearing his patented "Dandy Diaper" at all times in an effort to manage the incessant uncontrollable defecation he now experiences because of his age.
Vitale, 75, originally patented the line—named by switching the words used in his signature catchphrase to describe standout freshmen—and signed an endorsement deal with Depend’s adult diaper line in 2012 but had no intention of wrapping the elaborate piece of cloth around his own legs.
“Dad has been making a mess all over the place lately with his frequent unrelenting diarrhea,” Vitale’s daughter Sherri said. “Now that he’s getting up in age, he can’t really tell when it’s coming, let alone make it to a toilet with any sort of punctuality whatsoever. Lou Holtz [ESPN college football analyst] has been successfully using Dad’s product to defend against his own fecal expulsions for years, so it seemed like the right move to make.”
Vitale, though in relative good health for his age, has been experiencing delayed reaction times and slowed movement which necessitated the transition to the only apparatus which can contain his explosive bowel movements.
According to broadcasting partner Brad Nessler, the amount of liquified stool that seeps through Vitale’s slacks has significantly decreased since the introduction of the diaper. But sometimes the contraption of cloth and other absorbent materials is not enough, Nessler says.
“Last weekend a pool of partially decomposed pulled pork managed to escape from Dick’s diaper and leaked down to the floor of the court during an especially audible shart while we were calling the SEC championship game,” Nessler said. “The wardrobe folks at ESPN were not pleased to say the least. I told Dick, ‘You gotta tighten that thing up to a full court press man.’ It smelled worse than John Calipari’s sweat-soaked shirt during the postgame interview.”
Though Vitale’s more recent gastrointestinal issues—coupled with the difficulty he experiences when trying to speak due to his dentures and throat nodules—have made his job incredibly challenging, an ESPN source revealed that he is not at all mulling over retirement.
Do you think seeing a picture of Dylan wearing one of Dick Vitale's patented diapers would be hilarious? Find pics of that on Twitter at https://twitter.com/mr_manderson.Subscribe to The Daily Cardinal Newsletter