Say goodbye to grandma one last time
When grandma finally moves into the light, don’t expect her to call out for you, because she has probably forgotten your name since you last visited in Fall 2011.
Grab a drink with everyone in your high school graduating class
There’s no way Jessica Klinker, Cody Park or Tasha Thondavadi will ever speak to you again after you failed to meet them face-to-face for a drink or two at the local waterin’ hole.
Pray to Santa St. Nicholai
Santa St. Nicholai is quite displeased with your ignorance.
Lotion your hands
As you now know, nothing’s worse than waking up in the middle of January with rashy, pus-leaking hands—especially when you know it all could have been avoided with a simple squirt.
Participate in the indigenous Solstice ritual
A spectacle for centuries, and now one of the most used hashtags on Instagram, the ritual features bonfires the size of skyscrapers and enough booze to fill Lambeau Field—too bad you missed it.
Recycle used wrapping paper
Nice one. The world just got even shittier.
Clock in the 173 hours you worked at Babies “R” Us
Never actually seeing that $1,300 will at least build some character.
Fingers
Forgetting your dominant hand’s middle, ring and index fingers at home will really stump your note taking.
