If The Daily Cardinal can boast any one achievement in its 122-year history, it is winning. Athleticism, wit and the capacity to imbibe liquids are institutional assets long embodied by the sexiest and smartest newspaper on campus.
While beating the Badger Herald to a pulp in softball and newspaper making is no new feat for the Majestic Birds, the Cardinal squad also has an unbeaten record of polishing off their own keg as well as their opponent’s keg in every sporting event they have ever attended together.
This year should be no different.
Third baseman and Sports Editor Brett Bachman’s pure athleticism is expected to move the Majestic Birds forward in Saturday’s matchup on the grassy fields of Vilas Park. Bachman’s leadoff home run last year propelled the team to its noble win. After that, the Herald squad pretty much accepted that they’d be getting sad drunk that day.
“Sometimes the Herald has good ideas, but their execution is terrible. I can’t wait to show them how it’s done,” Bachman said, while chugging a spiked Muscle Milk and beating a paper mache effigy of his least favorite Herald editor. “Mark my words, guys… There. Will. Be. Blood.”
Meanwhile, News Editor and leadoff batter Emily Gerber said if she hears another Herald reporter ask, “What’s going on here?” at a SSFC meeting, she’s going to smack someone. She’s been practicing her swing all week.
Courtney Kessler, photo editor and tattoo enthusiast, will be preparing for the game by drinking a handle of her namesake, Kessler Whiskey. While she’s a pretty smooth batter, her drink of choice may not be. Still, if any Herald outfielders need a distraction, she said she is certainly not opposed to flashing her new “DAILY CARDINAL OR DIE” ass tat.
While the rest of the Cardinal squad practices their batting, incoming Editor-in-Chief “Dirty” Jack Casey has been preparing for the tilt by chugging a beer every hour on the hour in the week leading up to the game.
However, officials noted the only thing that could possibly hold him back at the chugoff is his reputation as a “total lightweight,” but Copy Chief and All-Conference Twerk Team Honorable Mention Vince Huth has been coaching him throughout the process.
“His capacity to drink liquids is really impressive,” Huth said. “Still, it’s good he only has to drink one beer. This is his one responsibility and he better not fuck it up.”
Casey was unavailable to comment because he was napping.
With her tenure coming to an end, outgoing editor-in-chief Abby Becker had similar sentiments about her successor. She said she is primarily looking forward to just sitting back, drinking and hissing at Heralders as they shuffle by. She’ll try to keep her claws to herself but can’t make any promises.
“Some people think ‘cardinal’ is a bird or even a fancy way to say ‘red’,” Becker said. “My personal interpretation is blood. Deep, red blood.”
While Becker was hesitant to admit that she’s been thinking of changing the newspaper’s name to The Daily Knife Wound, she did say the new title would really embody the newspaper’s spirit.
Ultimately, after assessing the competion, Cardinalistas agreed they’re not too worried about the matchup.
While Hairball editor-in-chief Katherine Krueger—closeted Death Eater—was too busy self-promoting her “SWUG”ness to comment, Cardinal scouts noted her Twitter convo with Digital Managing Editor Will Haynes about how “eDgY” she was is very telling of the team’s strategy: lacking substance. Officials also agreed the two editors’ “friendship” has definitely aided the Herald’s digital strategy this year.
Regardless, the Cardinals' secret weapon for Saturday’s game should more than overcome the competition. New recruit and starting pitcher Dana “the Beast” Kampa is known to underhand toss a softball at 106 miles per hour. Although she was banned from all softball fields in the state of Arizona, that small setback did not stop her from coming to Wisconsin to play for the Cardinal squad.
Kampa, a woman of few words, was concise in her expectations of the opposing team, whispering to herself, “Fucking amateurs,” as she punched a stuffed puppy.