Kane Kaiman is a graduate of Cedarburg High School. There, he scored a 5 on his AP Psychology test, giving him the authority to interpret the dreams of all humans and some of the earth’s more intelligent mammals. After a motorcycle accident in 1995 left Kaiman unable to enter REM sleep, he began self-therapy and regained his ability to dream three years later.
This week’s dream:
“I had this dream where I was walking home from class with my girlfriend and all of the sudden it felt like I was walking in mud. I looked down and the sidewalk had turned back to liquid cement and it was getting harder and harder to move as I sunk in. I asked my girlfriend to help pull me out but she did not do anything at first, just looked at me. Then she started pushing on my shoulders making me sink faster. Eventually the ground hardened when I was in up to my chest and I was stuck. And my girlfriend was just standing there.”
—Name withheld for safety reasons
One hundred percent accurate interpretation:
This one is so easy I almost feel guilty interpreting it, but every other submission I received this week was too disturbing to print.
When we experience paralysis in dreams, it means that we feel trapped in real life. In this case, your girlfriend is obviously your captor. Every day, she pushes you down deeper into the quicksand that is your relationship. You need to find an out if you want to avoid recurring nightmares and maintain your sanity.
To protect my psyche, I always give myself an escape route before the relationship even begins.
For example, when I was dating Sigourney Weaver, one of the first things I did was tell her how much I valued the antique coffee table in my living room. I made it clear that coasters needed to go under all drinks placed on its surface, because it had been in the family for generations.
In reality, I picked it up at a garage sale in Phoenix for 20 bucks.
Our relationship went south after the release of “Aliens.” She was a household name by then, and my career had taken a dip after critics panned the novel “Baby Dreams” in 1985.
Was I jealous? Of course I was. And I wanted out. That old coffee table was my ace in the hole.
One day, I left her favorite cup out on its surface overnight. By morning a nice, thick ring had formed. I flew into a rage when I “discovered” the blemish. In all honesty, I was the best actor in the house that day.
A long, drawn-out screaming match ensued. It ended when she called me a “pseudo-intellectual” and I responded by asking her to pack her things and leave.
I had earned my sweet freedom, and even had time to pop “Aliens” into the VCR for the first time before going off to work. Great flick.
The coaster rule is just one of many easily forgettable household laws that will do the trick.
Whatever you do, don’t tell her how you really feel about the relationship. You want things to end in mutual hatred so that you never have to speak one another again.
Do you have a dream you want Kane to interpret for you or someone you know? Email Kane at kaiman@wisc.edu for his 100 percent factual advice.
