Kane Kaiman is a graduate of Cedarburg High School. There, he scored a five on his AP Psychology test, giving him the authority to interpret the dreams of all humans and some of the earth’s more intelligent mammals. He is frequently asked to interpret the dreams of other newspaper’s dream interpreters.
This week’s dream:
“I remember really wanting an Xbox and not knowing what to do. I was at my house with my friend, and he said I should just steal one. I thought it was a really good idea, and I grabbed a bag and put a bandana over my face to hide my identity. I ran a couple of streets away from my house looking for a good place to rob. I was really nervous. I went into the backyard of a house and opened up the back door. I was surprised that it was unlocked. I went in and the house was quiet. I went upstairs and started checking rooms for an Xbox. I found one and put it in my bag. Then I thought I should just take more stuff. I grabbed a laptop and some bracelets that were in a bathroom. Then I took my bag and ran out of the house back home. I woke up after that.”
—Jesse Marks, freshman
One-hundred percent accurate interpretation:
First of all, I want to say I’m sorry. I know times are tough for some people, and they do crazy things to get by. Sometimes, they even repress or distort their memories to rationalize what they’ve done. But here at the Cardinal, we are obligated to report any information about crimes committed in the area to the Madison Police Department.
I’ve given them your email address, and by now, they probably have your place surrounded.
Don’t flee; that will only make things worse. MPD is notorious for “over-tazing” people who try to run.
Relax and read on until they break down the door.
Clearly, I won’t be interpreting any dreams today. Instead, we’re going to take a look at an entry in the Madison Police incident report from a few days ago:
“Residential Burglary: A burglary was reported by neighbors of a house on Lathrop Street. The residents claimed to have lost jewelry and electronics. The criminals gained entry through an unlocked door. Neighbors saw a man wearing a red bandana and a black sweatshirt running through the yard with a duffle bag...”
Yikes.
Sounds awfully familiar. Go check your closet for that duffle bag. I bet you’ll find the Xbox and other valuables inside.
So what happened? Well, guilt is a powerful emotion. You did the deed and then convinced yourself it was a dream. But subconsciously, you wanted to come clean, so you sent me an email.
I’m not all that surprised. People seem to trust me.
So where do we go from here?
Get yourself a lawyer. Make it a good one, because I’ll be testifying against you in court. Hopefully, it doesn’t come down to your word against mine because I think we both know the jury is going to side with a world-renowned psychologist over a thief.
When you go to prison, find the weakest, most unpopular inmate and beat him to a pulp. The “beat someone’s ass the first day, or become someone’s bitch” rule is no urban legend.
There’s one more thing. Think very carefully. Did you leave any details out of the “dream” you sent me? Further down, the incident report says the police found a dead body on the scene.
Do you have a dream you want Kane to interpret for you or someone you know? Email Kane at kaiman@wisc.edu for his absolutely 100 percent factually accurate advice.
