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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, September 30, 2023
Tyler the Creator

The Majestic Birds will turn the Herald’s ass Cardinal red Saturday.

Ass Waxing: Herald Tooshie, meet Cardinal foot

Saturday marks the dawning of the new era. Although the game remains the same, The Daily Cardinal will face its newly devamped opponent for a bloodbath on the fields of Vilas Park.

Once again, it’s time for the annual football tilt between The Daily Cardinal and the campus dishrag, The Badger Herald.

Although conference realignment has been a hot topic in college athletics recently, the Herald apparently hasn’t received the memo yet that it’s time to get the fuck out.

Head coach Grey Satterfield hopes to give the team the extra nudge it needs at Saturday’s game. Although the past three years have been focused more on drinking than winning for the Cardinal, Satterfield believes this will be the year of ultimate glory.

“A good squad is forged in preparation,” Satterfield said. “We’ve been practicing hard, the game is just a place to show off. I mean, if they die, they die.”

The Cardinal’s practice regimen, however, has gone beyond Spider 3 Y Bananas, polishing off kegs of Leinie’s and punting corgi puppies. Assistant coach Sir Jonah Beleckis has his kids scouting the Herald at every available opportunity (that’s two opportunities per week, because the Herald prints a newspaper two times per week. There are five days in a week. So, you know, 40 percent).

“If their ‘BREAKING’ news schedule is any indication of their game plan for Saturday, they’ll probably come up with the game-winning play sometime after Halloween,” quarterback Kane Kaiman said, as he ripped a stack of Heralds in half with his teeth.

Although the Majestic Birds feel prepared for Saturday’s showdown, the Hairballs will come in with a clear advantage in available practice time—or at least, one would hope the squad is putting its extra free time to good use.

After ditching print to explore the “digital sandbox” on its new blog, the Herald seems to have mistook the meaning of two-a-days to mean two days a week.

“We plan to run our team like we run our paper,” Badger Herald Editor-in-Chief Katherine Krueger said, “which means spreading poop on toast and calling it news.”

Crappy photos aside, Saturday’s matchup will at least give the Cardinal squad another opportunity to polish off the Herald’s keg.

“Tbh, I just wanna drink some beer and see some blood,” center Melissa Howison said. “Nothing will bring me more joy then beating those smarmy motherfuckers illiterate. Let’s be real, that should only take a couple plays.”

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Bird watcher, Iron Chef and 2009 all-conference twerk team honorable mention Nic Thuve contributed to this report.

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