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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Saturday, June 22, 2024
Andy Music

A columnist’s change of pace

This column is going to be something I’ve never tried before. Normally, I’m a pretty careful writer. I like to go about the speed of a snail and get everything just how I want it. But not this week—I’m writing this column as fast as possible. 

Maybe it won’t turn out very well, but I think there’s some merit to the thoughts that come to your mind without any premeditation. It’s like, most weeks, you get to see the overanalyzed side of me—and frankly, I’m sure you’re all bored of it. 

I bet there are some cool topics that can spring up this way. Ummmm, OK, sometimes (like right now) I imagine I’m listening to extremely loud music, but I’m not actually listening to music at all. Is that weird? Idk; I already have really bad hearing, so this is just my way of self-preservation I guess. Wow, I’m a slower writer than I thought. Actually I already knew I was a slow writer, this was just supposed to be an attempt to turn a new leaf. 

My grammar has been surprisingly accurate so far, I think. Maybe this is stupid. 

Oh yeah, the government is broken now. Is that still happening? It’s kind of funny how nobody gives a shit about what’s going on in Washington until there’s literally nothing getting done. 

Wow, I’ve really been letting myself go lately. I smell TERRRRIBLE. 

There are so many things I want to incorporate into my columns, and I’ve never really had the guts to try before, maybe now is the right time. 

01001000 01100101 01111001 00100000 01101100 01101111 01110011 01100101 01110010 01110011

I think it’s cool to talk in code sometimes. Unfortunately, since I’m writing this as fast as I possibly can, I’m not in any position to come up with some kind of elaborate secret Illuminati language only two people will care enough about to actually figure out.

This is really picking up now. ARE YOU EXCITED?!?!?!?!?!

I don’t understand how there isn’t better food on State Street. Yeah, I said it. The dining options (especially late-night) suck. Maybe I’m just a picky asshole about my food, but does that make me a bad person? No. It means we should demand better. 

I’m actually kind of embarrassed at how pathetically long it’s taken me to get to 380 words: 11 minutes. Did anyone do UltraKey when they were in like fourth grade? I remember it was so hard to get 20 words per minute. 

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Is this not-so-intimate look inside my mind distressing, depressing or disgusting you? 

Fuck Twitter. 

Well, it’s October and you know what that means: It’s time for a bunch of rich people to pretend they care about baseball. All I want is for people to stop their cycles.

I’m wearing a shirt today that I bought my freshman year in high school and have only worn one time since then before today. Did that make sense? It’s this shirt I bought in Amsterdam (wooooooooooooah). I think it’s supposed to be a soccer jersey or something, but I have no idea. 

Ugggg is this over yet? I’m 17 minutes in and have about 130 words to go. OK, let’s do this. 

For the past 21 years I’ve been living in the U.S.. Where do I want to live? In space, of course!!!!! I don’t want to live on Earth!!!!! NASA plz build me a space suit and shoot me off in a random direction!!!!!

Sorry if that was too weird for you. I actually don’t hate being on Earth that much. 

Well, things are winding down about now, so I guess it’s time for me to insert my weekly lesson. (I’ve literally never had a weekly lesson, but now is probably a good time to start, right?) Here it is: Eat as much meat and cheese as you can in one day and then fast for a week—you will never feel better! Wowowow 22 minutes. Great job, me!

How many words do you type per minute? Challenge Andy to a race at andy@holsteens.com.

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