Here are my descriptions of some really dumb things whose banality/stupidity you may have taken for granted:
Beer pong is a game I’m sure most of us have played at some point in our lives. The concept is delightful—you lob a little ball into red Solo cups and drink beer. There are several appropriate occasions for a ponging (though I’m sure some might argue any time is the right time), such as a “pre-game,” a house party or even just a chill night with the brahs.
What most of us fail to register about this dorm-room mainstay is we don’t actually play to have fun but because most of the time we have so little to talk about, the only way to bear being our boring, painfully average selves is to get drunk in the most efficient and painless way possible.
Beginning in elementary school, when reciting The Pledge of Allegiance before class becomes essentially second nature, you’re told to be a patriotic American. And why not—you live in the United States, so it has to be the best and you should love it forever no matter what, right?
Well, not entirely. If you were born in and lived in China or England or Russia, would you still be a U.S. patriot? Maybe you only feel any affinity toward the United States because fate dropped you here. Not to mention, the only things the U.S. truly excels at anymore are incarcerating its own citizens and producing diabetics (but hell, it’s something, right?????). Sometimes people go so far with their patriotic duty they will say things like, “Keep all these immigrants out of America!!!!!” To which I normally respond, “Mexicans, Canadians, Venezuelans, Nicaraguans, Brazilians, Chileans, (...) are all Americans, dipshit!!!!!” Maybe that’s just too technical/correct for some.
Isn’t bottled water so fucking handy? You can buy it pretty much anywhere. You can take it pretty much anywhere. Once you’re done with it, just whip the plastic remains and you never have to see it again. Then repeat the cycle. Buy, chug, toss. Buy, chug, toss. Buy, chug, toss.
This whole process is sure doing a doozy on the environment. Maybe some of those images about the garbage island in the Pacific are a bit overblown, but there is still trash everywhere. It would be easy to list off some insane statistics about how the world is totally f’d. There’s really no point though. Those numbers don’t even mean anything to anyone anymore. Screw conservation, just keep sucking down Smart(lololol)Water and bring us a little bit closer to extinction.
Am I a loser for writing all of this? It’s really hard not to be self-conscious all the time when I know (I just know) everyone is judging me and power-skimming this thinking, “What an idiot... I hate hipsters. Remember the ’90s? I’ve got to Instagram this... Kittens! Facebook! Omegle! Xanga! What was I reading?” How will I be able to go to my classes anymore? Everyone will laugh at and make fun of me :’(((.
Caring too much about how people view you makes no sense (case study: previous paragraph). Aside from your parents, literally nobody gives a shit about what you do with your life. Stop contemplating what others think of you and become something resembling a happy, self-respecting individual. Stop defining yourself by things outside of you. Stop trying to meet nonexistent expectations. Stop being trendy. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.
Well, this wasn’t meant to be helpful or insulting, though I feel like it’s kind of both. I guess next time you’re about to do something dumb, first think, “Is this really a way in which I should be wasting my time?” That’s the best/only real advice you will ever get out of me, so cherish it.
Tell Andy if you found this column helpful or insulting at andy@holsteens.com.
