Twitter is fun. It’s a mindless way to pass the time by reading about what your favorite celebrities ate for breakfast or which politicians my friends despise. But sometimes I don’t care what other people have to say because what I have to say is much more important. Sadly, I don’t have enough followers yet. Never fear, self (and those who read this); I have a foolproof plan for you to gain Twitter followers in a snap, crackle and pop.
First thing you should do is fangirl. I say fangirl and not fanboy because it seems only 13-year-old girls tweet at celebrities every single day hoping for a retweet or a follow back. But why shouldn’t everyone do whatever they can to get a retweet from a One Direction member or the backup tight end to the Green Bay Packers? Good fangirls usually say, “It’s my birthday and all I ever wanted was a retweet,” which is a pretty cheap gift if you ask me. What then will happen is everyone will see that retweet and say, “Wow, that girl got a retweet, I should follow her so I know what insight she has.” Good idea.
But in all honesty, you’re a pretty boring person. Do you know who isn’t boring? Celebrities. But some celebrites don’t have Twitter accounts... so what should you do? How about you do a parody account? Parody accounts are always funny and everyone loves them. @FillWerrel, @KevinHart2Reall, and many other parody accounts are so funny people honest-to-goodness retweet them thousands of times. But hey, you’re not funny, so what should you do? Just steal your jokes from real, hard-working comedians. That’s what all these accounts do anyway; don’t worry about it. After all, anyone that follows a parody account really doesn’t care about where the jokes came from.
So now you have gained Twitter followers from being a parody account and fangirling real people. The next step is to make sure you misspell everything. No one hates correct spelling more than people online. For example, make sure you know the difference between “your” and “you’re” and always get it wrong. Better yet, just forget every rule you know about grammar and spelling; it’ll make this process a lot easier. People will not care about your misspelling and will move on with their day like civilized adults, because that’s what the Internet is: a bunch of civilized adults.
When someone disagrees with you, just attack them. Call them every bad word in the book. Whatever, it’s the Internet. They won’t find you or know who you are. Good things to call people are racial slurs or homophobic epithets. Also, constantly bring up the other person’s mom. You will be respected until no end. It’s not natural for most people to be so mean, but Twitter is mostly 14 year olds who do this on a daily basis to nerds that will soon be their bosses at the local Applebee’s, so you’ll be fine.
And if that all fails, just join a Twitter team. What do I mean by team? I’m talking about the fans of a certain artist that come together to berate anyone that says anything bad about said artist. For example, the Beliebers, the Little Monsters and of course #TeamBreezy. People love #TeamBreezy. How could you hate anyone that loves Chris Brown (he’s really more of a national icon than a singer/dancer/actor/amateur boxer)? These “teams” literally search for their leader’s name on Tweetdeck and bombard anyone that badmouths them with obscenities and personal accusations; it’s really a great community-bonding event. Here is a list of other celebrities that deserve their own teams: Michael Vick, David Hasselhoff, Dennis Rodman, Victoria Jackson and basically everyone in the Westboro Baptist Church (#TeamIgnorance). Yup, that’s truly the way to go.
Hopefully this will help you all gain those Twitter followers you all desire. I know it’s helped me. (Please be gentle to me #TeamBreezy).
Other suggestions for becoming a Twitter god? Want to join #TeamVolosh? Email mvoloshin@wisc.edu to show your support.
