My apartment is a mess. Like, not the kind of mess where it’s sort of funny and you tell your friends when you go over to their place “Oh, don’t worry about me, my place is no cleaner.” No, I live in a toxic wasteland. I’m actually starting to fear for my health. Dingoes have been lingering around my apartment complex because they could smell it from like 7,000 miles away. They hopped on a cruise liner to sample some of the world’s finest trash, as I occasionally dispose of it by whipping it into the dumpster from my third-story bathroom window (not a joke this time).
Anyway, I’m not going to convince you of anything by just ranting on about something that everyone talks about. So here’s a bunch of nasty pictures and a few tips on how you can avoid becoming my equal in the standings for most pathetic excuse of a human being.
1. Keep your coffee table sanitary
The first key to a healthy living space (something that I have never adhered to in any fashion) is having a clean coffee table. I mean, a few unopened, oversized books that go well with the room’s overall theme and Feng Shui is usually OK. But I’m pretty sure the only remotely well-placed item on this table is the massive jar of honey that I’ve recently been using to make all of my utterly tasteless food a little better. I also counted nine different varieties of empty beer receptacles on this table (one of the cleaner days).
2. Use cleaning products to clean, not as weapons
We don’t have Windex. We have “Window Cleaner.” WTF IS THAT? Not to mention that it has been sprayed a grand total of four times (mostly in my roommates’ eyes, I think). Tip two: If you buy cleaning products, you should probably use them instead of just leaving them next to the George Foreman Grill.
3. Consider taking out the trash
Maybe the worst part of it all is the fact that there’s a system to this chaos. The Pharaohs are rolling over in their tombs. Seriously though, there’s some elegant construction to this leaning tower of pizza boxes. There’s really no advice for this one other than don’t eat terrible carryout all the time and turn the leftovers into kitchen art that can double as the resting place for a queen ant.
4. Wash cups to avoid drinking discarded cigarette butts
“Oh cool, dude, you like to play beer pong too! Let me just fill up this cu….” Yeah, wouldn’t recommend drinking out of that bro—unless you like it when people call you bro. In that case, chug, chug, chug! My guess about the cups’ contents: cigarettes mixed with beer and formaldehyde. Don’t ask. Don’t drink out of a glass that you haven’t washed yourself because there may be something living at the bottom of it.
5. Meet people before living with them
Honestly, I don’t even want to know for what sorts of horrible activities someone might do with these things. I’m slightly too disturbed to sleep now that the props from “Saw” are chilling next to my shoes. I guess don’t find your roomies on Craigslist?
Hopefully, this was helpful. If nothing else, you probably feel a little better about yourself now, right? Don’t bother emailing Andy. Just call the Wisconsin Department of Health. Not now but right now.
