God bless the Internet. God damn the Internet. I’ll get that etched on my gravestone when I perish from a life of fast food and good music. What is the latest reason for such an attitude, you say? Well… did you know about the new White House online petition system that gives a smidgen of control back to the people in the democratic process? You might think we’re currently drowning in solutions to world hunger, ending to all foreign wars, the dependency on foreign oil… and we probably are. But again… this is the Internet, so someone started a petition to change our National Anthem to R. Kelly’s remix to “Ignition.”
It’s the remix to “Ignition.” Hot and fresh with petition. Mama got democratic, changin’ the anthem’s the mission. Scott Key’s verses are dumb. Outdated and humdrum. It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, let’s get patriotic for once, once.
I don’t know if Francis Scott Key has an estate or something, but I know if he does, they’re pissed. And that’s a double entendre. No, I didn’t forget our American hero Robert Kelly (*insert allegedly here*) urinated on a young girl, but apparently everyone else did. And he beat the charges, but you didn’t come here for all that (though I suggest you watch the episode of “The Boondocks” where that whole bonanza is explained in detail).
I usually don’t do this, but uh … I present to thee: the top three reasons why the remix to “Ignition” should be the new National Anthem.
God save us all.
1: It has the same components of “The Star Spangled Banner,” just culturally updated.
The hotel lobby in the song has to be clear around 4 a.m., so the events must be going on “by the dawn’s early light.” Let’s be real. Everyone in Kellz’s party is definitely hailing as the twilight of early camera phones and dim hotel lighting gleams in the eyes of the people. I know someone in that party is wearing broad stripes and R. Kelly is a bright star. The ramparts of inhibition come tumbling down as everyone is drunken and hormonal in Kelly’s world, causing liquor and sex to stream in copious amounts. It will continue in the morning, from the bathroom floor to the free hotel breakfast. And despite it all, our freedom is intact as the freak flag symbolically flies in the proud wind of reckless abandonment.
2: The original formats of both works were, essentially, remixed.
Francis Scott Key’s original poem, “Defense of Fort McHenry,” was written after Key witnessed the Battle of Fort McHenry in the War of 1812. It was later set to the tune of “The Anacreontic Song” by John Stafford Smith in 1814 and renamed “The Star-Spangled Banner”. Additionally, there are four stanzas in the original poem, but today we only sing the first one. Key was 35 in 1814.
On the contrary, the original “Ignition” was released as a single in 2003, but never charted on the Billboard. R. Kelly then did the remix, dropped it weeks later and it reached #2 to critical acclaim. It appears on his 2003 album Chocolate Factory and most refer to the “Ignition (Remix)” as merely “Ignition” on first reference. Also, it is most likely to find the drunken people at your social gathering only yelping the bridge and chorus in a joyous off-key harmony, but none of the verses. Kelly was 36 at the time of the single’s release.
3: It’s the epitome of America itself.
I dare you to deny it. What are two central components of American lifestyle? Prosperity and success. How do we personify these things as Americans? Materialism! Cars, clothes, clichés. What happens when Americans feel successful? No, when humans feel successful? We party until we’re sick and the DJ’s turntable overheats and Hollywood makes another rendition of the same high school/college party-gone-wrong plot premise. Does the remix to “Ignition” fill all of the criteria? Hell yeah! There are hands running through afros (an American racial taboo), a Lexus coupe, a stretch Navigator, a Jeep, Cristal, Coke and rum; there is even “food everywhere” and a damn “Murder She Wrote” reference. This is Americana incarnate.
You can’t ask for more.
All signs are pointing to the revolution of Robert Kelly reaching the pinnacle of pop culture and the history of this great nation. It is time to stroke our way to genius as Robert has! It is time to revolt as we have done for decades! NOW IS THE TIME TO PLACE OUR KEYS INTO THE IGNITION OF THE OLD WORLD, FOG ITS WINDOWS, AND THUG OUR WAY OUT TO A NEW AGE OF AMERICAN IMAGERY.
LET’S FREAK THE SYSTEM THIS FREAKIN’ WEEKEND.
Is changing the national anthem to an R. Kelly song actually the solution to all of our problems? Email Michael at mdpenn@wisc.edu.
