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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Tuesday, May 28, 2024

Fake News Friday: Wando's introduces "Fish Tank"

Following the wild success of the Wando’s Fish Bowl, Wando’s began selling the same concoction in a fish tank.

“We saw everyone’s excitement at finishing a fish bowl and decided to up the ante,” Wando’s owner Michael Kline said. “At first we considered other containers such as a barrel, a backpack, or flowerpot. But in the end we thought continuing with the aquatic theme would be best for our customers.”

The eight by four foot tank has been a hit thus far, but there are drawbacks to the overwhelming booze container. To take away the burden of carrying the 236.2 gallons of booze most of the tables have been converted to tanks with lids locked on.

Some members of the downtown community said they were concerned for the thoughts of people drinking 36 gallons in one evening. Those community members are sissies.

Luckily, the danger of alcohol poisoning from the tank appears minimal, as the recipe is the same, just scaled.

Kevin Cleese, part of one of the first groups to finish the beverage, said he thought he was “a little buzzed after drinking it, but we couldn’t really keep up with the 8 feet of ice that diluted the couple of shots they threw in.”

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Still, students find Wando’s Fish Tank a smash. Only five Fish Tanks have been finished thus far, giving credit to the theory that the only reason someone would order something so gargantuan is to take a picture of it with their friends.

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