If there's one thing I can't stand in this world, it's the completely misleading ""deals"" and ""Savings!"" from all sorts of companies and organizations hoping to dupe us all into literally buying into their scams. It seems like every amazing offer these days has some sort of catch, twist or horrific money-ejaculating pitfall attached that sours the deal in the end. Luckily, my hilarious, prize-winning column* this week will not disappoint. I'm bound and determined to point out all the tips and tricks to help college students catch when companies aren't being completely honest and up front with you.**
The biggest key is to contact the company and get the real scoop from an actual person. If you start a deal by throwing out your credit card information, handing money to a strange bearded man in a kiosk or mailing samples of your hair to an address in New Delhi, you have probably made a mistake. Call or e-mail the company to make sure you know what the costs will be. For instance, I recently used the ""Chat with a service rep!"" feature from a local cable company who I will allow to remain nameless.***
I found the Internet and cable package I desired from said company (which cost around $50), and proceeded to chat with their sales rep online. Here's an approximate re-creation**** of our online chatlog:
Me: Hi. I was wondering what the total cost of your 16 mbps Internet and basic cable would be?
Sales Rep: I can get you that for the price of $59.99. Would you like me to place your order?
Me: Whoa, you're moving a bit fast for me. Are you sure it's $60? (At this point I'm literally looking at a page that shows this service for $49.99 on their site).
Sales Rep: That would be the price of our 5 mbps service and basic cable, sir.
Me: Oh, how silly of me.
Sales Rep: So should I set you up with the 16 mbps Internet and cable then?
Me: I should probably run this by my roommates. But I think you and I really bonded today.
Sales Rep: I agree! Are there any other questions I can help you with today?
Me: Is there a Mrs. Sales Rep In your life?
Sales Rep: Yes, but she is not available to chat.
Me: Well played, Mr. Sales Rep. I bet SHE doesn't have to pay $60 for cable, am I right?
Sales Rep: No, she has to pay more...
Me: Whoa, trouble in paradise! Why won't Mr. Sales Rep give her the package for free, if you catch my innuendo there?
Sales Rep: It's tough love in the Sales Rep household. Nothing in life is free.****
Me: You are a wise chatter, Mr. Sales Rep. I have learned much.
Sales Rep: So can I get you signed up for that package then?
Jon has left the chat.
As you may notice, the company not only lied to me about their prices, but also showed how aggressive they are in their sales approach. Not even the wives of company employees get deals!******
Another pitfall you must avoid like the plague are fine print or asterisks******* that companies love to use to hide the facts of certain ""specials"" or ""promotions"" they sport. Have you ever seen an ad such as this: GET YOUR FREE******** CAR INSIDE!!!! You look into the hole in the bathroom stall only to find that instead of a car, there's a grizzled transient waiting to eat the soft parts of your face. However, if you had just read the details of the asterisk after the word ""FREE,"" you would've realized that ""FREE"" actually meant ""cannibalistic transient.""
The same principles apply to small print. I once joined a cult that promised to give us immortality if we provided enough human sacrifices. However, I was disappointed to find out that the offer did not apply to those living in the lower 48 states. Of course, this was after I had conducted 15 human sacrifices, but that's not important to this column.*********
The best advice I can give you is to simply avoid anything that isn't approved by me first.*********** You can't really trust any company to be honest with you anymore because so many people fall into their traps every day. If possible, avoid all service-based expenses and fashion anything you need to survive out of your own bodily fluids and strands of your hair. It's worked for me thus far.***********
*Column may not be hilarious or prize-winning.
**Jon likely has no useful information on any of these categories. He also may not even have a high school diploma.
***This nameless company may have a name, and that name may likely be Charter. Also, if you are Charter and you are reading this, then this column is purely in jest and Jon is pleased with your customer service. Also, this is clearly someone using the pen name Jon Spike, and this is not actually the Jon Spike who signed up for your service. Good day.
****I wish I could say I made this part of the chat up. This happened.*****
*****May not have happened.
******Wives of company employees may or may not get deals. Also, Jon may have imagined this online chat in a very vivid dream the other night.
*******Just ignore the fact that Jon has used these same asterisks in his article. His are mainly for informational purposes.
********These asterisks are a placeholder for my above example. The car is not real.
*********This is important. Jon has killed more than once. Am I the only one concerned about this?**********
**********Just ignore this last comment.
***********Not actually a wise financial strategy.
************Jon fashioned this article out of a combination of his dandruff and braids of hair from various areas of his body.*************
*************We won't divulge which areas of his body. Sorry, ladies.
Think Jon could've included more asterisks in this column? Let him know at spike@wisc.edu.
