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Wednesday, April 17, 2024
APRIL FOOLS': Ryan's ""Terminator"" knees give him unfair advantage, coaches say

termibo: Bo Ryan?s suit disguises these robot legs, the devices that allow him to hold his signature in-game squat for hours at a time.

APRIL FOOLS': Ryan's ""Terminator"" knees give him unfair advantage, coaches say

The NCAA may soon be coming down on Bo Ryan, and judging by the talent he has brought in of late, it probably won't be for illicit recruiting.

The Wisconsin head coach may be in trouble after reports have surfaced that for years he has enhanced his iconic crouching ability via a pair of bionic knees. The devices, now known across the media world and Internet message boards as Termiknees, are the source of Ryan's cliched stance that, after 40 minutes of coaching college ball, would annihilate even the strongest of joints.

""It's just amazing,"" Ohio State head coach Thad Matta said. ""I tried to crouch like that against Eastern Michigan and had to ice my knees for weeks after.""

Commentators throughout the college basketball world have long marveled at Ryan's skill, crediting his over-.700 winning percentage to seeing the game from a different perspective, specifically just below waist level.

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Sources have identified Tennessee's Bruce Pearl as reporting Ryan to the NCAA, an unsurprising move due to his history of turning in anyone who beats him. Pearl replaced Ryan as head coach of UW-Milwaukee in 2001.

""I'm not saying I told anyone anything,"" Pearl said, trying not to sound smarmy in a phone interview. ""It wouldn't surprise me if he was doing something extra to get ahead. Serves him right. Now I've got to go paint my body orange and get to a women's basketball game so I can look like a giant hairy squash on SportsCenter.""

When this publication attempted to contact Ryan's longtime rival Tom Izzo, the only audible sounds were muffled whimpers followed by the whisper, ""They're tears of joy— someone finally owns Bo.""

In a press conference on the issue, the coach was adamant about his innocence.

""We do it like everyone else, crouch down one knee at a time and get to work,"" Ryan said, glaring at reports. ""Back in Chester, Pa., we practiced those crouches for hours. Ole Bobby Darling, he was the point guard on our team, he could sit like that for days, and boy could he feed the post.""

""This whole situation reminds me of these garbage-eating fish in the water hazards of some golf course I once got dragged to. I think you can guess who's the fish in this case.""

Ryan recently ended a record 473-minute in-game crouching streak.

NCAA officials have not announced plans to penalize the Badgers' coach, saying they were more interested in Ryan Evans' potentially performance-enhancing flat top.

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