Lately, I haven't been as interested in sex as I used to be, and it's becoming kind of a problem... How do I get back in the groove?
—Wish I Was Horny
Thanks for the question, WIWH—most if not all of us have likely experienced a lust letdown at some point. Sometimes, we would really like to get it on, but our bodies just don't cooperate. Other times, our bodies (or our partners) are ready to go, but our minds say, ""Not tonight."" Whatever the miscue, there are definitely ways to root out the causes of it.
First, WIWH's letter implies his/her current sex drive isn't as high as it used to be, i.e. it has changed. There's no amount of sex that's too little or too much; some people like having sex zero times per year, and others love to get down three or four or more times a day. However, if your sex drive has changed and that concerns you, take a moment to reflect on any other possible changes you're experiencing lately. More stressed than usual with finals coming up? Starting a new medication? Dealing with family drama? Not eating/sleeping enough? Mental, physical and emotional changes can all impact our sex drive.
If we do recognize other changes that have been occurring, examine what might be done about them. Even if we cannot totally remove or fix a problem, there are often ways to indirectly mitigate it. Take an exercise class to help blow off steam at the gym; in addition to being a healthy form of stress relief, the benefits of exercise on our sex lives are well-documented. Check with your doctor about possible sexual side effects of a medication (some kinds of combination birth-control pills are notorious for dampening the libido). Low general energy can often translate into little energy for sex drive—yet another reason to make sure we're getting enough sleep and eating well. If we're doing these things and still feel blah, an appointment with UHS or our regular health-care provider may be in order—common underlying conditions like depression can interfere with sex drive, as well as less common hormonal imbalances or nutritional/metabolic concerns (e.g. anemia).
The next step is to check out the sex itself. When we do have sex, do we find it pleasurable? Do we feel safe? Are our wants and needs being satisfied? If the sex doesn't feel the way we want it to feel, it'll be harder to cultivate a deep desire for it. Talk with your partner. At a basic level, the frequency of sex can be important in a relationship, so it's a good idea to touch base on how many times per day/week/year you need/want to get physical; at a deeper level, talking about kinds of stimulation we like, new positions to try or how to incorporate our favorite toys can make sex better and more desirable no matter how often we have it.
Finally, sometimes it takes a little while for our brains and our bodies to sync up. If we're willing to fool around, even if we're not burning with desire, we might find that a little warmup gets us wonderfully hot wonderfully fast. This is certainly not to say we should just have sex even if we don't want to—saying no is always OK—but sometimes we find that while we're not exactly eager to have sex, we're also not opposed to the idea. If we masturbate for a little while, make out, talk dirty to our partners or watch or read some erotica together, we might just jump-start our engines.
As an avid supporter of anal play, I can say your advice [in last week's column about anal sex] was spot on! However, I feel you should have encouraged ASS to request that her [male] partner try anal on the receiving end... Anal can actually be very pleasurable for men too, as I'm sure you are aware. Also, [some] women really enjoy the opportunity to engage in this sort of play via toys or whatever suits them. Finally, the experience of being a ""catcher"" during anal play allows men to be better ""pitchers."" Ultimately, it gives them a better sense of how much lube is needed in addition to how, where, when and how fast they should move themselves in order to make the experience most pleasurable for both parties.
I really feel reciprocity is the key to respectful, responsible and pleasurable anal sex! I hope you take this into consideration for the future.
—S.R.
Right you are, S.R., and thanks for taking the time to add to our list of anal pointers. Regardless of my training (or any sex columnist's training), I'm just one perspective. There are lots of other angles from which to view a question, other benefits I neglected to mention or other safety tips I didn't emphasize enough. So S.R.'s e-mail not only helps us flesh out last week's column, it also demonstrates the importance of integrating lots of information into our own sexual paradigms; each of us has our own experiences, values and priorities, and by piecing together a variety of perspectives and information, we can build and shape our own unique sexualities.
Thanks to both WIWH and S.R. for helping us with our final column of 2009. It's been great to hear questions and feedback from Daily Cardinal readers, and I look forward to starting another sexy semester in January. Best of luck to everyone with finals, etc.—here's hoping all of you end the semester with a bang.
Keep sending Erica all your sex-related questions at sex@dailycardinal.com.
