The following is an excerpt from the script of an in-production episode for the hit NBC comedy ""30 Rock.""
Liz Lemon walks into Jack Donaghy's office. A large, complex flow chart sits behind his desk with Jack standing in front of it with a plastic ""Comcast"" logo in hand. He studies the chart, apparently puzzled at where to place the new addition amidst the maze of arrows.
LIZ: Uh, you wanted to see me?
JACK: Lemon, yes, I'm hard at work to make sure this sale of the majority of NBC to Comcast goes smoothly. Well, more accurately, Comcast's purchase of Pokerfastlane.com, who will hold 51 percent controlling stake in NBC Universal while Sheinhardt Wig Company will own the remaining 49 percent through subsidiary shares held through Winnipeg Iron Works and Chanagi Party Meats.
LIZ: Wait, so now the meat guys are our bosses? I was getting used to talking down to anyone with a ""Festive Sausage Coordinator"" name tag. Does this mean I have to learn Chinese?
JACK: Focus Lemon, we need to discuss a few changes you can make on TGS that will make the sale of NBC to Comcast go more smoothly. The Feds could torpedo the whole deal if they think it isn't in the interest of consumers. We need to shape all the mushy brains of your audience so they think a Comcast-controlled NBC will make their beer-swilling, Bible-beating lives easier.
LIZ: I'm not comfortable with that combination of alliteration and stereotyping.
JACK: First off, we need to start branding NBC and Comcast together so that within the next year, viewers won't be able to tell the difference. You and the other writing drones need to come up with at least 10 more catchphrases that include the word ""Comcast"" so the brand is burned into the audience's mind grapes.
LIZ: Like ""I'm having massive Comcasms""?
JACK: Is that ""Comcast"" combined with orgasms or spasms?
LIZ: Uh, hadn't thought that through. Do you think anyone will know the difference?
JACK: Try to keep your personal problems out of my marketing mix Lemon.
LIZ: I wonder if Tracy can even pronounce Comcastic... Maybe Comcastizzle? Is that racist?
JACK: We also need to get customers used to some of the possible directions that Comcast could take NBC properties like Hulu. It stands to reason that they could make the NBC shows on Hulu a subscription service to stop them from competing with its own subscription content services. Or, in theory, they could make Hulu super slow to anyone without Comcast broadband access, forcing streaming TV fans to switch over to Comcast.
LIZ: But how will I watch free episodes of ""21 Jump Street""? No way Jack, I won't be party to some telecommunications giant segmenting the Internet into pay-based tiers. This whole Comcast thing could take a giant crap over all that net neutrality stuff nerds like Barack Obama have been fighting for.
JACK: Don't talk about Chairman Obama in the office of the President of East Coast Television and Internet Bundle Programming.
LIZ: So you lost microwaves in this deal, huh?
JACK: Bundles are bigger than microwaves, Lemon. Even a No. 4 combo at McDonald's is a bundle, you remember that. Your job right now is to start hyping the forthcoming Comcastacular Metered Super Internet. Trust me, it will be worth the $200 per month.
LIZ: And if I refuse?
JACK: Your show moves from NBC to PBS Kids Sprout, and every sketch will end with a clip of The Wiggles saying, ""Wow kids, that was sure Comcastic.""
LIZ: Blerg!
Mark is pretty sure he's siding with Liz on this one—he was right on Greenzo, after all. Google ""Comcast Consumerist"" to get a more fact-based critique of the Comcast-NBC deal, or e-mail mriechers@wisc.edu if you'd like Mark to write a script including your topical media consolidation woes.
