Ah yes, it's that time of the academic season. No, I'm not talking about midterm week or class-dropping deadlines. I'm talking about making yourself sound as sexy as possible to potential grad school/professional program/job suitors. Nothing is more enjoyable (re: annoying) than talking about your many endearing characteristics, including all of the many people you've tricked or pressured into giving you rave recommendations. I personally am aware that my personal statement is flawless, but I've decided to let you—our honest readers—give me some much-needed feedback. My personal statement follows below in its entirety:
Dear Sir (if this is a Madam, please tear this up... I don't jive well with women),
Ever since I first realized I could never be a cowboy astronaut by trade, I have dreamed of becoming a part of (insert company/university/brothel name here). I would be honored to become a loyal (insert school mascot here), proudly singing (insert school fight song here) from the balcony of my high-rise penthouse—which I'm hoping you'll provide me with upon acceptance.
First off, I'd like to clear up some misconceptions. I'm mainly in this gig for two reasons: money and vengeance upon those who doubted me. Have you ever seen the film ""Die Hard""? It isn't related to why I'm qualified to be accepted into your graduate program, but how sweet was that movie?
But back to money. I'd love to say that I did that volunteer work (or should I say, forged a supervisor's signature that says I did volunteer work) purely to advance myself as an individual, but that would be a two-faced lie. To show my dedication to varied organizations and leadership positions, I've applied for dozens of titles in extracurricular groups, gotten hired, and then darted off into the sunset before they ask me to do any actual work. I understand your university looks highly on a rigorous and involved resume, and I believe my half-hearted, one-week dedication to dozens of diverse organizations will make you foolishly believe that I am a well-rounded individual.
Did I mention that I worked in the terminal wing of a children's hospital? Yeah, that happened. I was like that crazy doctor guy who's not actually a doctor and dressed up like a clown to make his patients happy. Also, did I mention my patients in the terminal wing were all orphans? And I served soup to them every Christmas? Oh, and once I gave one of the terminal orphans CPR when he choked on his chicken bone one fateful Christmas Eve, thus saving his life. It's all in my resume, which, as I said before, is completely legitimate and not a series of hyperboles and forgery.
Winston Churchill once famously said, ""If I were Dean of Admissions at an American college, I'd definitely accept Jon Spike into my program. He is a beacon of knowledge and leadership. He's also devilishly handsome and great in the sack."" Churchill's words have been my personal mantra as I go forth in my search for purpose in life. If Mr. Churchill, world-renowned for his knowledge and leadership, deems me worthy in both the academic sphere and the bedroom sphere, I feel pretty confident I'd be a great fit (sexual pun intended!) at your school.
I also maintain some pretty lofty goals I want to achieve, mainly because such personal statements sound more convincing if you lie through your teeth. By the end of my tenure at your school, I'd like to have AT LEAST five academic buildings renamed after me in my honor. I'd also like the school mascot to be changed to the Thundering Spikes (this name will be perfect for the football and volleyball teams).
I'd say one of my greatest assets is my people skills. Just the other day, I was getting mugged and I still managed to compliment the mugger on his nice wristwatch. He then informed me that it was, in fact, the wristwatch he had just stolen from me a moment earlier. Even in times of great stress, I still am able to work well with others, as this experience demonstrates.
If you would let me inside of you (your school/program/job site), I'm confident I'll turn around your previously inferior track record in your field (no offense). Also, I am a fervent proponent of deodorant use, so I have that going for me as well.
Sincerely,
Sir Jonathan Spike III, M.D.
Make sure to send along those personal statement critiques to spike@wisc.edu.
