Before I get too far into this topic, I have to admit something to all of you: I am absolutely, no-holds-barred 100 percent the worst horror movie viewer of all time. I can't stand getting scared. Even the mildest of scary movies leave me covering my ears, squinting my eyes and praying for the film to be done already. The only time I force myself to watch horror movies is when they seem ready to become a cultural hallmark, or when they are so critically acclaimed (""The Sixth Sense,"" ""Let the Right One In"") that I can't truly call myself a movie expert without seeing them.
The thing is, when I do sit through a horror movie, I marvel at the technical wizardry in the film. The ambient sound, pulling us into the action; the dim lighting and quick editing alerting us to the impending danger ahead—It's a film maker's dream come true. But for me, that dream is a horrible nightmare. The film's respective elements come together so well in their intent to freak me out that I can't appreciate a film like ""Halloween"" for what it is because I managed to see less than half of it.
So, for those of you who were hoping I'd give out a helpful list of must-see screamfests for this Halloween, I'm afraid I wouldn't be doing it justice. So instead, I crafted my own list of three Halloween-themed films that are masterpieces in their own right but won't leave you clutching your pillow, screaming at the dumb bimbo on the screen to quit walking by herself down by the foggy pond.
1. ""The Nightmare Before Christmas""
""But Kevin,"" you say, scratching your overly dense noggin, ""isn't ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas' more about Christmas?"" Fortunately, this couldn't be further from the truth, as I already have my own list of ritualistic Christmas movie viewings that simply can't make room for another Tim Burton film. Jack Skeleton, the Pumpkin King of Halloweentown, is bored with celebrating Christmas over and over. When he finds Christmastown, he decides to combine the two, resulting in the most creepy Christmas ever. Despite its fantastical characters and strange animation, ""The Nightmare Before Christmas"" is still grounded in reality; after all, once Halloween finishes, isn't Christmas eagerly awaiting just around the corner?
2. ""Donnie Darko""
Sure, ""Donnie Darko"" is scary, but not in the slice-em dice-em ""Scream"" type of scary. The film messes with your concept of reality and features one of the scariest supporting characters in Frank the Bunny, a creepy giant rabbit who follows Donnie at every turn, convincing him to do devilish things. The film reaches its climax in the midst of a drunken costume party, as the protagonists explore a haunted house. If you don't think that's Halloween enough for you, then I really doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion.
3. ""Ghostbusters""
While not expressly situated around Halloween, this Ivan Reitman classic not only features creepy ghosts and otherworldly beasts, but features Rick Moranis hosting a costume party before being possessed by demons. Be sure to check out Dan Aykroyd before he disappeared off the face of the Earth and Bill Murray before he limited himself to droll Wes Anderson comedies and silly cameos. ""If you piss your pants/ When you watch ‘Scream 2'/ Who you gonna call? ‘Ghostbusters!'""
Kevin's most embarrassing moment was crying at the first scene of ""Ghostbusters"" when he was seven. To share your horror movie phobia, e-mail him at kevslane@gmail.com.
