World-renowned humorist Megan M. Corbett is presumed dead at 21. This sobering news followed a panicked phone call from Corbett's roommate to authorities. Upon investigation of the premises, police found the following note:
Dear friends,
Megan is dead. Don't worry about the lack of body. Just assume that swine flu got her. Or Mifflin - yeah, most likely it was some sort of Mifflin related tragedy. Regardless, she is definitely NOT faking her own death to get out of finals/avoid writing a shitty good-bye column/join the band of Somalian pirates because it's easier than finding a job. That is most certainly NOT what is happening.
Love,
Er...Cegan Morbett
Investigators are searching for Cegan Morbett, and clues as to whatever her connection to Corbett's death might be. In the mean time, Corbett's roommate, Amanda Schweger, had this to say about the writer's mysterious demise.
I don't know what I am supposed to do now,"" Schweger wept. ""Megan's dad always made really good cookies that she would share with me. And you could always count on Megan to say really inappropriate things to break up the awkward silence in a room. And Megan always did the dishes. What am I going to do without her? Not do dishes, that's for damn sure.""
Schweger's boyfriend, who shall remain nameless, as he is a suspect in the writer's baffling disappearance, seemed far less broken up. He had little comment, only muttering ""Thank God"" several times under his breath. It is speculated that Corbett once ate the suspect's Greenbush donut while he wasn't looking, and he never forgave her.
The four columnists who shared Corbett's space in The Daily Cardinal's page two made no official comment to the press. They did, however, line up, and each performed a keg stand in their fallen comrade's honor. According to Diana Savage, Corbett's editor, ""This is what she would have wanted. Now excuse me, I have to hold a beer bong for Matt. This whole thing has hit him really hard.""
Gabe Ubatuba, The Daily Cardinal' s Managing Editor commented on behalf of the rest of the staff - once he stopped sobbing convulsively.
""Megan's served us well at the Dirty Bird, and though I mainly knew her from her columns, her occasional appearances at the office and that one time we drunkenly ran into each other at the line to get into Brothers, I'll really miss her,"" he said.
And while some were inconsolable over the loss of a promising young humorist, others seem almost to take the news in stride. An unidentified source - who looked strikingly like Corbett with glasses, a blatantly fake mustache - was seen wandering around the crime scene covering her mouth and giggling. When approached for comment the mystifying young woman read from a prepared statement.
""It is incredibly tragic that we have lost this beautiful, intelligent, and all-together fantastic girl,"" the source read, adjusting her fake mustache repeatedly. ""We should begin incorporating her into pop culture among the likes of John Belushi and Marilyn Monroe as soon as possible.
""Oh, and we should send money as a memoriam,"" she added. ""Lots and lots of money.""
It is unknown how this young woman had a statement prepared before investigators had even announced Corbett's possible death. She slipped away before authorities could question her.
As of press time, Corbett's family could not be reached for comment.
However, Corbett's long-time friend Josh Klein voiced the views of family, friends and possibly the entire world.
""Megan has pulled through a lot of things in the past, that girl can make it through anything. And she is absolutely not crashing on my couch while she tries to avoid any and all responsibility,"" Klein said, with an exaggerated wink. He then left to go pick up a pizza that was ""definitely not for Corbett.""
OK, so Megan's not really dead, she is just bad with goodbyes. But really thanks for reading, and if you want to hear more of Megan's stories, e-mail her at mcorbett2@wisc.edu.
