Dear Madison Students,
The time has come. I am here to solve all your problems. The Associated Students of Madison had its chance, I am here to tell you why ASM failed and what we are going to do about it. Contrary to popular belief, ASM did not fail because of a lack of student support, poor planning and an inability to address student concerns. They failed because they are the wrong form of government. ASM and democracy had their chance, now it's my turn. You have two choices, Madison students.
1) Allow ASM to slowly fade into obscurity while an oppressive administration becomes your king.
2) Appoint me to act as temporary dictator.
If appointed dictator, I will quickly take care of all the issues you care about, set up a properly working student senate, and then quietly hand the government over to the senate to return to a quiet life of farming, much like Cincinnatus of Rome.
Here is what I will do as your dictator.
I will first establish a way for students to get medical attention when they are on drugs or have been drinking without fear of police and tickets. This may not be as big a deal for older students, but younger students often fear detox and the police. This fear often prevents them from getting help for drunk people. I will not wait for a tragedy like the death of a young student in Milwaukee to make a change in Madison.
My second task will be to fix Mifflin. I will find local sponsors for the event so it will remain free. These sponsors will pay for porta-potties, garbage services and the construction of two stages. In return, these sponsors will be allowed to set up beer gardens where they could also serve food. I will apply for a street use permit that will allow open intoxicants on Mifflin during the party and check points at the entrances to the street. Without more ridiculous tickets, a return to the party's roots could all be accomplished by May.
My third task will be to create a ticket policy that works for Badger athletics. I'm not above asking for help on this one, but I'm not going to ask the athletic department—they had their chance. I'll create a committee of sports editors, coaches and students to give some recommendations. Enough is enough.
My next move will be to bring back Madison baseball. If I have to repeal Title IX I will, but I don't think it will come to that. Instead, I think I'll just add a women's sport to cancel it out. Perhaps women's baseball? Or maybe women's chess? We are stupid for not having a baseball team and I'm going to do something about it.
Finally, I will get everyone off our backs. They are attacking one of the alders who has done the most for the students of Madison. Who cares if he smokes pot or helps his constituents outside of the court? We want weed, help with our tickets and an open Madison. We want to drink and go to baseball games. We want Mifflin to rule and to be able to take our friends to the ER without worrying about tickets. Democracy won't work fast enough. Let me handle this.
Sincerely,
Dictator Andrew Carpenter
Andrew Carpenter is a junior majoring in psychology and communication arts. Please send responses to opinion@dailycardinal.com.
