Back in October, Mark Wahlberg starred in the movie adaptation of the popular video game Max Payne."" It was the story of a man double-crossed and out for redemption, a plot that seemed perfect for adaptation. With Wahlberg providing the star power and video game fans providing the hypothetical box office revenue, the film seemed destined to be a hit.
Unfortunately, the film's producers forgot one of Hollywood's cardinal rules: Video games are never successful as films.
""But Kevin,"" you say, scratching your head perplexedly, ""there must be some film that breaks the mold."" Without going into much detail, the simple answer is no. The closest exceptions to the rule are the ""Tomb Raider"" and ""Resident Evil"" movies, which can be easily explained by the sexy starlets playing leading roles in the films.
Although critics slammed both films, ""Tomb Raider"" still made $274 million, managing to capitalize on millions of horny preteens who were willing to shell out six bucks to see Angelina Jolie slip into Lara Croft's form-fitting, gray tank top. Likewise, ""Resident Evil,"" though based on one of the most successful video game franchises ever, probably owes more of its popularity to its star, Milla Jovovich, who wasn't too hard on the eyes either, taking occasional breaks from killing zombies to inexplicably dress in skimpy outfits.
Beyond the aforementioned, T&A-heavy films, though, video games have not adapted well to films. Who can forget the ""Super Mario Bros."" movie from the early '90s? Well, everyone, actually. Who doesn't remember sitting with friends watching Freddie Prinze Jr. fly his jet to glory in ""Wing Commander?""
Actually, statistics show that only three people ever saw ""Wing Commander,"" and they were all in the film. ""Fatal Fury?"" Pass. ""Street Fighter?"" Collegehumor.com did it better on a shoestring budget 13 years later. ""Mortal Kombat?"" Scorpion beckoned with his calls of ""Get over here!"" but no one heeded his call.
At least no filmmakers have been asinine enough to continue making these adaptations after suffering through one flop. Oh wait, I forgot about Uwe Boll, the much-maligned master of video game-to-film flops.
Boll has made ""Alone in the Dark,"" ""House of the Dead,"" ""BloodRayne,"" ""In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale"" and ""Postal,"" with many others in the works. Boll utilizes a German tax shelter which encourages film investors by giving them a 100 percent tax break on their investment. This means that no matter how many times Boll loses money on his films (every time thus far), he can still make more and not go broke.
Perhaps someday a good director will invest in a video game series and finally break the curse. The next chance for success is next February, when ""Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li"" hits theaters. Somehow the fact that it stars Black Eyed Peas' singer Taboo as Vega doesn't inspire much confidence, but hey, a video game fanatic can dream. If Disney can turn an amusement park ride into one of the most lucrative film franchises in history, I have faith someone will eventually break this curse too.
Think these adaptations could be saved if Spielberg just signed on for ""Zelda""? Send your dream adaptations to Kevin at kevslane@gmail.com.
