In today's world, it's very hard to maintain integrity in the workplace. With so many distractions and underhanded tactics, it's very difficult not to sell out and choose money-making tactics over the dignity of your career.
You see, journalists are often prone to bribery from corporations and public figures because of their distinguished role in society. But I have resisted, thanks to my new-found strength from Degree Girl.
Although I have had many, many offers, I am one of the few true journalists left in this God-forsaken country, whose only hope may be the comfort of family style restaurants like Old Country Buffet, which features more than 100 delectable buffet options daily!
I have resisted the conniving use of flattery, gifts and all-inclusive Caribbean Luxury Vacations at Sandals Resorts in order to provide my newspaper and my readers with the objective reporting and wake-me-up holiday gift certificates - now available for your coffee fiend relatives at Starbucks today - that they deserve.
As an expert in my field, I have watched my underlings fall victim to corporate pressure. Unfortunately, they just don't have the hindsight to understand how much they are hurting the American people by doing so. I am here to tell you that we all must watch out for less-than-savory marketing strategies.
As I sit here and write this, sipping my refreshing beverage of choice - Diet Coke - I feel it is my obligation to warn my readers that marketers will attempt to hide their advertisements in movies, television shows and other media so that you don't even know you're being marketed to.
People who haven't had the extensive professional training that I have may be unable to recognize these disgraceful tactics, especially if they don't own a pair of long-lasting, super-stylish Gap jeans. But worry not. I take my watchdog role very seriously. Make sure your very own family watchdog grows up healthy and strong with a daily dose of Iams dog food.
I will continue to represent my readers in my longstanding fight against corporate aggression as you fight your own aggressors and find the strength to say no to drugs.
I am confident, mostly because of my acne-clearing Neutrogena face soap, that I will be successful in my endeavors as a service to the American people and Sprint customers, who are invited to check out the Sprint upgrade program and learn how they can save up to $150 on a new phone.
The American people are quite fortunate to have my services, and those of Charter's Charter Digital Cable Big Value Package. Wait. Who am I kidding? Charter sucks.
But as a dedicated and dignified journalist, I will ask nothing in return. Not even Rock Band for Nintendo Wii, a game the whole family can enjoy together.
The readership of an untainted industry alongside a brand new Toyota Camry for my loved one is enough reward for me.
I feel a special connection with all of my readers, as they indulge themselves in reading my column every Tuesday on their Macbook Pros. I would never consider exploiting this trusting relationship, as the journalists who don't keep their clothes looking and feeling like new with Tide Total Care often do.
As the holidays approach this 2008 season, product placement is growing as money-grubbing sellouts watch their wallets get fatter than your belly after a satiating Omaha Steak, shipped free for the holidays.
For inquiries regarding your invoice, e-mail Kiera at wiatrak@wisc.edu.
