Viewers turned out in droves this past weekend to witness the East High School gang sing and dance their way through senior year in High School Musical 3."" Earning $42 million in the opening weekend alone, Disney has definitely validated their decision to move the ""HSM"" franchise from cable to the big screen. My frequent readers know I often spend time assailing the mind-numbing stupidity of viewers and their sheep-like devotion to theatrical trash. Yet, I will hold my tongue with ""High School Musical.""
The characters are generally likable, and while the plot is generic and tiresome at times, there are still some good times to be had. Besides, I know that once the majority of the cast has been spit out of the Disney corporate machine, there will be little left for them besides crappy B-movies and occasional turns on reality television.
Zac Efron may escape the Disney curse, as he is the most bankable of the ""HSM"" stars. He has already been fast-tracked for a remake of the Kevin Bacon dancing classic ""Footloose"" and is raved about in industry circles.
However, former teeny-bopper Hilary Duff hasn't been as lucky. After an initial run of success, Duff's roles have dried up, with her most notable upcoming role as ""Sunshine Goodness"" in the animated clunker ""Foodfight!"".
The film, which has been in production since 2002, has been plagued with problems. These include having all their animated footage stolen, resulting in the filmmakers starting from scratch and being assailed by anti-consumerist groups for rampant commercialism. The film takes place in a supermarket, stars brand-name food items as characters (including variations on Twinkies, M&Ms and Coke) and has a villain named ""Lady X,"" meant to represent the sheer evil of generic and no-name products. Yet, this pales in comparison to the recently announced film debut for Disney heartthrobs the Jonas Brothers.
Not long ago, the Farrelly brothers were a popular, if not respected, comedy directing duo. They directed the modern gross-out classic ""There's Something About Mary"" and seemed well on their way to a lucrative film career. Now, the brothers are set to direct the Jonas Brothers' debut, titled ""Walter the Farting Dog."" Yes, you read that correctly. The Jonas Brothers play musicians who agree to baby-sit their aunt's dog.
Unfortunately, the aunt passes away, and even more unfortunately, the dog - the aforementioned Walter - has a bit of a gastrointestinal ailment. The brothers can't stand being in the car with him, except for Frankie, who ""has a serious sinus problem and doesn't notice the stench coming from Walter,"" according to Peter Farrelly in an interview with Variety.
For those of you who detest the Disney machine and the way it churns out carbon copies of teen stars, consider this justice being served. There is absolutely no way ""Walter the Farting Dog"" can be a success, at least with that title. I'm about as immature as they come, yet even I would be embarrassed being any part of a movie so crassly named. The Jonas Brothers are still safe within Mickey Mouse's tight embrace, but once they grow old and are let out in the real world, where will they be? Will they be getting footloose like Efron, or starring in 90 minutes of product placement like Duff? If Walter and his flatulence have anything to say about it, the outlook isn't good.
Can't believe Kevin just wrote a entire column about Disney stars instead of Halloween movies? Express your outrage at kslane@wisc.edu
