The phone went straight to voicemail for the third time in a row. She couldn't shake that sickening feeling beginning to form in the pit of her stomach. Should she even let her mind wander to all of the sneaking around and lying that had become the pattern in their relationship for the past few weeks? Should she even utter the dirty C"" word - cheating? Why couldn't it be as simple as boy likes girl, girl likes boy and they both live happily ever after?
Well darling, life is never that simple, and neither are relationships. The fact of the matter is this: guys cheat. Girls cheat. There's cheating going on all over the place like a free for all at Yummy Buffet.
According to Lauren Papp, an assistant professor of human development & family studies at UW-Madison, cheating is typically thought of as physical intimacy with someone besides a romantic relationship partner. Emotional infidelity could occur if a person shares close feelings with another person, or intimate details about oneself or their relationship, that they might not share with their partner.
On the contrary, John DeLamater, a UW-Madison
professor of sociology, focuses on the physical aspects of cheating.
""Both men and women consider having sex with or falling in love with a third person [as] cheating, whether the couple is married or not,"" DeLamater said. ""Sometimes men are more upset by their female partner having sex with another man, whereas women may be more upset by their partner having a romantic attachment to another.""
Greg Blaser, a UW-Madison junior, confirmed DeLamater's observations.
""If you're having emotional problems, it's not cheating,"" Blaser said. ""That's a whole different ballgame.""
For him, cheating lies in the physical realm.
""Romantic, physical contact with someone - whether it's holding hands, kissing or something more - would be considered cheating to me,"" Blaser said.
According to a July 2008 Time magazine article, the act of cheating is likened to someone who has been wandering around with a couple of empty wine glasses who suddenly meets someone with a bottle of wine, wrote Mira Kirshenbaum, author of ""Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships.""
""So they want a little taste,"" Kirshenbaum wrote. ""It starts very innocently ... [but] eventually they realize that they've crossed some sort of line. But they realize it after they've crossed it.""
Infidelity is nothing new. As Kirshenbaum explained, most people seem to cheat because they are looking for something they cannot find in their current relationship. Such was the case for junior
Nicole when she chose to attend UW-Madison - five hours away from her now ex-boyfriend, a student in Minnesota.
""When I left for school, my boyfriend not only cheated, but he fully took on a second girlfriend,"" Nicole, who has since transferred schools, said. ""He lived two lives: one at school with her and one at home and on the phone with me. He was emotionally and physically cheating on me.""
Unfortunately, she knew the distance would put a strain on their two-and-a-half year relationship.
""[My boyfriend] was a guy that needed constant attention,"" Nicole said. ""When I moved to Madison, I needed support because I was transitioning into a new atmosphere.""
She did not receive that support and it was not long before she noticed a difference in the way he acted.
""Two things changed in our relationship: He didn't get the physical attention that he wanted because I was five hours away and he didn't have me to lean on anymore because I needed support too,"" Nicole explained.
Temptation is all around and can be a naughty thought or lead to a dirty deed. It has been around since Eve picked the apple off the tree and it doesn't help that most media portrayals of sex are unrealistic, DeLamater added.
""Most portrayals feature heterosexual couples who are not married,"" DeLamater said. ""Media can shape our views of what is common, so numerous portrayals of cheating may create the perception that it is common, and no big deal.""
Nicole shares this mentality.
""The media has defined an American sexuality that is very blunt, raw and often exaggerated,"" she said. ""Since this has become sexuality, cheating is something 'to be expected' from someone with a high sex drive. It's all slightly sensationalized.""
Yet, whether her boyfriend was just someone with a high sex drive or felt legitimately neglected does not matter to Nicole, who felt the raminfications from his actions.
As Papp said, a relationship is hard work. Both people need to be committed for it to be successful, and when one person's needs aren't being met, it can be easy to go astray.
""People cheat for a number of reasons, not always due to physical attraction alone,"" Papp said. ""They may be unhappy in their relationship and looking for a way to express their dissatisfaction to their partner or for a way to end it [or] may fear being cheated on themselves and decide to cheat to take away questions about their partner's faithfulness.""
So, if one is unhappy with the way things are going they should ... go out and cheat? Blaser clarified this notion by explaining that cheating is probably not the best form of communication, but it will certainly stir things up.
""People cheat because they don't like the way their current relationship is going. They're looking for an easy way to get out of it,"" Blaser said.
What it comes down to is this: When a person is with someone he or she truly cares about, respect outweighs the potential benefits of cheating. As Nicole can attest, the romance is not going to initiate itself. A little wining and dining may be required, she said, but it definitely outweighs the harm cheating can cause.
""It takes a lot of work to stay in a relationship,"" Nicole said. ""Both people have to show that they care through a combination of words and actions.""
According to Papp, this is exactly the case.
""If you are happy in your romantic relationship and hope and plan for it to continue as a committed one ... it is not natural for someone to think of cheating or feel tempted to cheat,"" Papp said. ""[Cheating] is not likely to happen in a relationship in which both partners are satisfied and hopeful about the relationship's future.""
