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The Daily Cardinal Est. 1892
Thursday, June 13, 2024

Summer boozing causes buzz of knowledge

Some say kids lose knowledge in the summer, but I've learned two important things these past three months. Both facts were gained unintentionally on annual summer excursions, and both relate to drinking.  

 

I gained the first bit of knowledge on an annual camping trip with my high school girlfriends. Every year we purchase ridiculous drinking glasses for the camping festivities. This summer I met the crew at the camping site, leaving my cup of choice in their unreasonable hands. I ended up with a brandy snifter bigger than a cantaloupe, which may have made sense if we had brandy. But no, I only used it to hold cheap beer.  

 

This gift taught me that snifters are shaped narrowly on the top with a large bottom to trap the smell of the liquor in the cup. The large bottom also captures the warmth of the hand holding the glass and keeps the drink warm. Now this makes perfect sense when drinking nice, expensive Brandy from an oversized glass. It is not a good decision to drink cheap beer from such a device. As you can guess, the beer warmed extremely fast and looked super disgusting sloshing back and forth like a shallow puddle.  

 

My research into this subject failed to mention that snifters also work well for making perfectly shaped pancakes, which the family used it for the next morning. It now sits in my bathroom holding random things I don't want to lose. Things couldn't have worked out better.  

 

Secondly, I learned the classiest way ever created to carry beer. I picked up this bit of knowledge at the annual Harley Davidson Festival Labor Day weekend. Every August, my father and I go to a concert, and this summer it just so happened to be with thousands of bikers. While wandering about, one woman stuck her cup of beer between her breasts. Now, I did not see this phenomenon with my own eyes, but apparently it was quite the sight. 

 

The ingenuity of this idea amazes me. It would be glorious to carry a beer and still have both hands free. Think of the possibilities. It's the same thinking behind the contraptions that carry small children on people's backs or fronts. And when you think about it, babies and beer can easily be categorized together. Both are usually obtained above a certain age, require careful handling and makes people upset when you drop it.  

 

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The thing that boggles my mind about this ingenious idea is the perfect scenario it requires. First, you need a big chest. Secondly, it can't be too big so that it squishes the cup and spills beer all over you. Thirdly, it requires a unique social situation where people will be amazed instead of disgusted. I'm a bit envious that this woman satisfied all three.  

 

Now, when I hear specialists speculating about how much knowledge students lose during the summer, I can snicker to myself and relish the knowledge I gained. It may not help me ace my first botany exam, but it will make me a better member of society - with a beer in my boobs and a snifter in my hand.  

 

If you drink brandy out of a bong or have any other ideas of things you can use your large chest for, e-mail Emily at _bisek@wisc.edu.  

 

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