A sports columnist stands in an office overlooking Camp Randall Stadium. To his right lies a jacuzzi complete with 14 pulsating jets. To his left sits a mini bar stocked with Crown Royal, Grey Goose and some type of wine with a French name the young pundit cannot pronounce.
As he turns away from the floor-to-ceiling windows, the columnist glances at the enormous mahogany desk behind him. Several copies of the book Don't Flinch, Barry Alvarez: The Autobiography, The Story of Wisconsin's All-Time Winningest Coach"" sit in stacks next to a small framed photo of Pamela Anderson.
""What would I call my autobiography?"" the columnist thinks to himself. ""'Check the Stove: The story of the most obsessive compulsive sports editor in Daily Cardinal history.' No, too long.""
The columnist quickly checks if there are batteries in his tape recorder.
""Whew, I thought I forgot to put them in there,"" he whispers. He then checks to make sure the batteries are still in his tape recorder.
""'Nonsense: How I wrote sports columns that weren't really about sports' - I like the sound of that.""
""Mr. Reszel,"" a woman's voice booms over an intercom.
""Yes,"" the columnist replies, startled by the noise.
""Mr. Alvarez just called to cancel his meeting with you. He's playing golf with Andy North.""
""But I've been waiting for two hours, and I needed this interview for my final column.""
""Sorry, you know how Mr. Alvarez values his relationships with UW alumni.""
""Yeah, yeah, whatever. Could I at least get the fruit basket I sent him back?""
""I'm sorry, but Mr. Alvarez said he wants to give the fruit to students who don't get tickets in the new football lottery system. It will be like a nutritious consolation prize.""
""Great. No fruit and nothing to write about for my final column.""
""Why don't you do what you do every week? Mention Old Thompson, and then make up a dumb story that half of your readers won't understand.""
""Very funny.""
. . . .
What's next - it's an oft asked question that conjures a different feeling depending on the context in which it is used.
Picture these totally hypothetical situations.
Situation No. 1
""I love your column, but what's next for you after college?""
""Well, I got this really sweet internship at Hardware Hank. Yeah, I get to write press releases about special hammer sales and the paint color of the month.""
""I thought you wanted to go into sports journalism?""
""Well, you know. When you're in the
hardware business... every day is a competition between you and other businesses. So it's kind of like a sport.""
""Wow, good luck with that one, man.""
Situation No. 2
""Your column rocks, but what's next for you after college?""
""Well, I've decided to join 'Brother Love's Travelin' Salvation Show for a Magical Mystery Tour.'""
""You just named a Neil Diamond song and a Beatles' album. Those things don't really exist.""
""Not yet, but soon, very soon.""
Situation No. 3
""Dude, the keg's cashed. What do we do next?""
""Dude, me and my cats are gunna' throw on some polos and roll down to the K.K. to check out da' honeys.""
""Naw dude, let's go to Mondays and get hammered.""
""Dude, that sounds friggin' sweet.""
""Dude.""
Situation No. 4
""Hey Jim, the beer's gone. What's next?""
""Are you ready to set sail with the Admiral?""
""Good man.""
Although this may have seemed like a never-ending, pointless tangent, it's not.
When I first started following Wisconsin athletics 17 years ago, the Badger football team had not had a winning season in six years and had not won the Big Ten since 1962.
The basketball team was even worse - they hadn't been to the NCAA Tournament since 1947.
As much as I like to poke fun at Mr. Alvarez, he has done a remarkable job turning around not only a football program, but the entire Wisconsin Athletic Department. Former Athletic Director Pat Richter also deserves much of the credit, as do great coaches like Bo Ryan and Dick Bennett.
Since 1993, the football team has won three Rose Bowls and three Big Ten Championships. They have reached bowl games in 13 out of the last 15 years.
The basketball team can brag about its three conference titles, a Final Four appearance, and 10 consecutive trips to the NCAA Tournament.
In the last four years, Badger fans have witnessed only one home loss in football and only five home losses in basketball.
But the question still remains: What's next?
Can Ryan take UW to the Final Four while running the swing offense?
Can Bret Bielema consistently recruit and compete with Big Ten powers Ohio State and Michigan, or will Wisconsin only be the best of the ""Little Nine?""
Personally, I believe Ryan can lead the Badgers to a national championship, and I also think Wisconsin can establish itself as a national football power.
If I'm wrong, then we sure picked a great time to be Wisconsin Badgers.
. . . .
The final section of this final column will be far more enjoyable if you play Green Day's ""Good Riddance"" while reading it.
I would like to take this moment to thank you - my five weekly readers - for bearing with me during the past nine months.
In September, you listened intently as I talked about what I watched on T.V. More recently you've continued to read while I essentially abandoned writing about sports. And while you may not have left Madison, I feel that in some way, you all were with me on those long car rides to Tampa, College Station, Columbus and Omaha.
Perhaps you were that little voice inside my head telling me to keep driving when I wanted to sleep. Maybe you helped me hit that high note during the refrain of Aha's ""Take on Me."" You could have been that creepy guy smoking a cigarette outside an Econo-Lodge in Macon, Ga., at two in the morning.
Whatever the case, I thank you.
Although I have failed in my ultimate
quest - Old Thompson and Admiral Nelson still have not sent me t-shirts after all those times I've mentioned their products - I would like to think, at the very least, I distracted you from your Tuesday morning lecture for five minutes.
The last four years have undoubtedly been the greatest of my life... so far.
And while I've had fun studying diligently and going to root beer keggers, writing this column has been one of my most memorable experiences at UW.
If you've enjoyed reading these random thoughts and musings half as much as I have enjoyed writing them, it's all been worthwhile. Thank you, and On Wisconsin.
Ryan would like to thank the Jims for all their insights and inspiration throughout the year and also Pa, for his explosive and enthusiastic personality. E-mail Ryan one last time at reszel@dailycardinal.com.
