It was a warm, sunny Southern morning - the kind where the smell of blooming magnolias seemed to float on the breeze like the songs of a Gospel choir during a Sunday service.
History would be made today at Augusta National Golf Course. Either Tiger Woods would win his first major championship when trailing after three rounds or some young nobody would wear a green jacket for the first time.
Well aware of the magnitude of the afternoon to come, I strolled into the clubhouse dressed in my finest white suit and lifted the tweed hat from head.
Mint julep, Jim,"" I said to the smartly dressed bartender as I wiped the sweat from my brow with a swipe of my forearm.
It was sometime after my first sip that I realized I was not in the Masters' clubhouse dressed like a southern gentleman, but dozing in my recliner wearing sweatpants - truly a tradition unlike any other.
I had been drifting in and out of slumber for the better part of an hour, but bits and pieces of CBS' exclusive coverage of the most exclusive golf tournament ever were slowly wiggling out of my memory bank.
There was Brandt Snedeker's impressive eagle putt on hole No. 2, Tiger's shot into the bunker - I can't remember which hole - and perhaps the most memorable moment of the afternoon, Exxon Mobil's commercial for the Exxon Mobil Math and Science Institute.
This stellar educational facility helps to produce more math and science teachers to enlighten the minds of America's youth (about the corporate benefits of high fuel costs).
""OK class, if the price of one barrel of oil goes up two cents, how high can we raise gas prices without sparking a national outrage?""
""$4.29?""
""Very good, Timmy, your price-gouging skills have really improved.""
As I stared blankly at an extreme-slow-motion image of one of Tiger Woods' missed putts, I began thinking what golf would be like if sports fans, and not etiquette aficionados, designed courses and tournaments...
Instead of the Masters, I'd call my tournament ""Ye Royal Big Wig Hob-Knobbing Gala and Golf Extravaganza Presented by Old Thompson.""
The course would be laid out over 500 acres of pristine Florida swampland. Fighting off alligators and wading through pond scum would represent just a few of the venue's graceful touches.
Unlike the Masters, holes would not be named after foliage like the Flowering Crab Apple (hole No. 4), the Yellow Jasmine (hole No. 8) or the Carolina Cherry (hole No. 9). Instead more intimidating names, such as ""Alligator Alley,"" ""The Hell Raiser,"" and ""Abyss of the Sizzling Sinners,"" would be used.
Holes would vary in distance from the 94-yard, par-3 ""Demon's Drop-off"" to the monstrous 837-yard, par-6 ""Widow Maker.""
Aside from the prevalence of gators throughout the course, hazards, in general, would be more dangerous to increase entertainment value and produce ad revenue.
Golfers would have to avoid deceiving quicksand sand traps, presented by Home Depot, poison ivy fairways, brought to you by TruGreen ChemLawn and the foreboding Oil-Tanker Lake courtesy of Exxon-Mobil.
Each hole would also have a musical theme. Hole No. 1 will feature the soft, sultry sounds of Marvin Gaye. But as the pressure of the course increases so will the intensity of the music.
Speakers at hole No. 7 will blast the anthems of Queen, while No. 15 will play only Nirvana songs. The musical will culminate on hole No. 18 with a mixing of Megadeth numbers and Jackyl's infamous hit ""The Lumberjack"" - complete with chainsaw solo.
Every golfer who misses a putt shorter than 10 feet is required to take a shot of Old Thompson. A double-bogey on any hole requires a double shot. A triple-bogey requires a seven-second pull straight from the bottle.
Because every swing, club, putt, green, lake, sand trap and caddy will be sponsored by a corporation, all four rounds of ""Ye Royal Big Wig Hob-Knobbing Gala and Golf Extravaganza Presented by Old Thompson"" will be broadcast completely commercial free on The Big Ten Network ...
Yes, that would be the ultimate golf tournament I thought to myself as I closed my eyes again, drifting off into the hazy world of mint juleps and green jackets.
If you would like to do a seven-second pull of OT with Ryan, or start up a new golf course, e-mail him at reszel@dailycardinal.com.
