I've never been much of a morning person. Mornings are just something to be endured, gotten through as quickly as possible. The other day, though, my usual morning speed hit an unexpected bump: crazy morning breath.
Now, the more observant among you may have noticed that I am a guy, a species not generally known for its fastidious grooming habits. I mean no disrespect to those fellas who do extra hard work to keep clean - for all I know, you may be the majority, and most of my friends and me are the minority. Thus, waking up with a bit of funkiness going on is not unusual for me, and I'm ok with it.
But this breath was truly awful. It was like my mouth had gone through my memory bank of worst-breath encounters and made me a little mix-tape; some garlic here, some curry there and a pervading taste of feet. I probably would have gagged had I not immediately gone to brush my teeth, throwing my whole morning rhythm out of whack. The rest of the day, it haunted me. What the heck happened to my mouth?
I'm a firm believer in the gospel according to evolution, so anything that happens with us must have some evolutionary advantage. What possible evolutionary benefit might some stank breath bring me? I worried my breath would suffer a relapse over the night or, worse, sink to even newer depths.
Eventually I did what anyone with a problem should do: I asked for help. I tried calling up some local Madison scientists, but somehow not many were willing to talk about bad breath. Eventually, through a series of referrals and awkward voice mails, I found someone willing to help me out.
Richard Sherwood, an assistant professor in the department of community health at Wright State University in Ohio, said breath odor was a matter of sexual attraction. As a guy, I suppose I should have guessed.
Before getting to the sexy stuff, though, Sherwood explained we have bacteria in our mouths to help with digestion, and bad breath is a result of such mouth bacteria going awry. Normally, saliva helps keep things under control, but when your mouth is open for a long time, such as during sleep or when you eat lots of sweet things, bacteria in your mouth can start to run amok.
But what I really wanted to know was why this reaction had evolved along with us. A lot has to do with smells in recognizing mates,"" Sherwood said. ""Humans actually have a very good sense of smell and use it all the time when finding mates."" He mentioned as an example the strong sense of personality that comes from finding a used shirt. Along with the memories that the smell triggers are all the subconscious decisions about how good a mate that person would be. Sherwood suggested pheromones - the chemicals insects use in mating, which are rumored to also play a role in human attraction - may also play a part in regulating breath quality.
So, basically, I'd been looking at the evolutionary reason for my crazy breath the wrong way; instead of looking for what advantages it gave me, I should've been looking at what liabilities it saddled me with. In this case, it seems like either a bad night's sleep with my mouth open or too many sweets the night before, which is not improbable for me. Either way, I had an explanation for my dreaded morning breath, and I knew I could stop worrying about a lifetime of gum chewing and Tic-Tac carrying.
I breathed a sigh of relief and knew my mornings were once again safe from unwanted interruptions.
Have bacteria running amok in your mouth, causing an unwanted stank? Tell Bill about it at science@dailycardinal.com.
