HOST: Welcome to the CNN War Situation Readiness Attack Panic Room Election 2008. I'm Anderson Cooper, and tonight we're taking you in-depth into the Wesconsin primaries, which have never mattered before. For more, here's CNN Senior Political Analyst, and my personal creepy doppelganger, John King.
JOHN: Yes, you're absolutely right, Anderson. The Wesconsin primaries have never mattered before and have generally served only as a rubberstamp approval of what the other states around the country have decided. But this time, the cheeseheads may make a difference.
HOST: *chuckles* Do they actually wear hats of cheese in Wesconsin?
JOHN: *awkward pause* I don't know, Anderson. I've never been there.
HOST: And I'm sure none of our viewers have been to that desolate snow-buried wasteland either, so let's move on to Paul Begala at a political rally, where one candidate's supporters are eagerly awaiting results from today's primaries.
PAUL: Thanks, Anderson. The crowd here is tense with anticipation. Though their candidate was heavily favored as recently as last week, the mood of Wisconsin's voters tends to change whenever the snow falls.
HOST: How often is that?
PAUL: Every day this week. Meanwhile, the candidates' advisers have been preparing a pair of speeches that will be delivered based upon the results. While the speeches will certainly differ in specifics, the theme is the same: change, hope and the desire to unify the country to better serve the particular special interests that have donated large sums of money to the campaign.
HOST: Common themes in this election for all the candidates. How does your candidate plan to differentiate from the others?
PAUL: You know, Anderson, to be honest I don't even know whose rally I'm at. After 20 years of covering political rallies and conventions, they all start to run together: the politics, the drama, back-room dealings with sex and drugs and wild debauchery -
HOST: *quickly cutting in* Well, thanks Paul, we'll be checking back in with you throughout the night, wherever you are. For some analysis of the few results that we already have, I turn now to Amy Holmes.
AMY HOLMES: Thanks Anderson. These early results really demonstrate a trend that I've noticed over the past few primaries. One thing I would say about this, which I think is interesting, is it's proof that voters like to vote for who they like.
HOST: *pauses* Is that ... is that your insight, Amy?
AMY: Why yes, yes it is. You see, the self-hatred"" voting bloc was an important segment of the population for many races over the past few decades. How else could we have elected Richard Nixon and George W. Bush?
HOST: I see. And where are all the haters now?
AMY: They moved to France.
HOST: Well, stunning commentary from our analysts, showing that we truly are the best political team on television.
JOHN: Ever.
HOST: Certainly. Unfortunately at this time I'm being informed that our studio is being picketed by angry Wesconsin residents outraged over ... over our pronunciation of their name?
ANGRY MOB, WEARING GREEN BAY SWEATERS: WIS-CON-SIN! WIS-CON-SIN! WIS-CON-
REMOTE CONTROL: *click*
Keaton reminds everyone to go out and vote. He would like to personally apologize to the approximately 10 thousand people in line that he budged to see Barack Obama. E-mail him at keatonmiller@wisc.edu
